“I don’t wanna” is not an ADHD strategy
This week, we delve into the complex issue of emotional dysregulation, a common but often misunderstood symptom of ADHD. Emotional dysregulation refers to an impairment or inability to regulate feelings, which can lead to an overreaction to minor setbacks or challenges. This issue is deeply rooted in the science of emotion regulation.
And it's central to the sabotage we use on ourselves when we use "I don't wanna" as a strategy for productivity.
To better understand this, we reference an article from ADDitude magazine which discusses the role of the amygdala, a part of the brain responsible for emotional reaction and decision-making. Typically, a surge of emotion such as anger or worry triggers the amygdala to send a signal to the cerebral cortex, which can then restrain the emotional response, allowing for a moment of pause and assessment before action. However, in those with ADHD, this amygdala-cortex signaling is significantly weakened, often leading to impulsive reactions to strong emotions.
We also discuss "The Resistance," a concept from Steven Pressfield, one of Pete's favorite writers on creativity and motivation. Pressfield describes "The Resistance" as a negative force that aims to distract and prevent us from doing our work, a concept that can be frustratingly familiar to those grappling with ADHD.
Emotional dysregulation can have profound impacts on our lives. When faced with a setback or perceived failure, the resultant flood of intense emotions can inhibit our willingness to try again, fueling limiting beliefs and often leading us to use our emotions as an excuse for inaction. However, it's crucial to remember that feelings are fluid and fleeting. They should not be allowed to dictate our actions.
Links & Notes
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Pete Wright:
Hello everybody and welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast on True Story FM. I'm Pete Wright, and I'm here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer:
Hello everyone. Hello Pete Wright.
Pete Wright:
As we record this episode right now, we just finished our conversation about transitions, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
And we had our dear friend Tommy Metz the third from All The Feelings come. We did a little crossover a bit there. We've talked about transition treats and dopamine redirection and all of it as part of the [inaudible 00:00:48] of our games series. And one of the things that we've heard from the community is that one of the reactions to hard transitions is, yeah, but I don't want to do that really hard thing.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. You can give me all the treats in the world, but I still don't want to do it.
Pete Wright:
How do you handle, I don't want to smarty. I don't want to do that thing that you're telling me I have to do. And so we thought we would just come together, just you and me and talk about as a reminder I think, a reminder of what your brain is doing when you say, I don't want to. And possibly how we might get to the other side of that, right coach?
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely. There's a way out.
Pete Wright:
I hope so. I sure hope so. But before we dig into that, you know the drill, head over to takecontroladhd.com. You can listen to the show right there on the website or subscribe to the mailing list and we'll send you an email each time a new episode is released. You can connect with us on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest or at Take Control ADHD everywhere. But to really connect with us, jump into the ADHD Discord community. It's super easy to jump into the general community chat channels. All you have to do is visit takecontroladhd.com/discord. That is the universal public invitation screen. If you have a Discord account, you can just log right in and join the server. If you don't, it'll guide you through the process to sign up. And then you'll be in, you can see all the public channels in the server.
Now, if you're looking for a little bit extra, if this show has ever touched you, for example, if you're a longtime listener, you know what's up next. Head over to patreon.com/theADHDpodcast. That is where you can throw us a few bucks every month and you'll get access to all kinds of private member stuff. There are definitely private member channels over in Discord. You get access to other monthly activities depending on the tier that you jump into. You can jump into happy hour, ADHD happy hour with me and Nikki. You can jump into ADHD coaching or Coffee With Pete for coaching and tech chat every month if you're at the platinum level. There's just a lot going on in the community. And again, learn all about that at patreon.com/theADHDpodcast. I don't think we have any news.
Nikki Kinzer:
No, but I want to shout out to somebody because we got a really nice compliment and I want to share it with you, and I haven't shared it with you yet. So this will be real time compliments to Pete and Nikki, but yes, so I have a client who is a brand new member of GPS. We just closed the enrollment, but if you want to join us next time, definitely get onto the wait list.
Pete Wright:
Join the wait list.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. And part of being a GPS member is you get all of the Patreon benefits as a Patreon, and so you get all of that highest tier stuff. Well, this lovely woman was already at the supreme or not supreme, platinum level, and we told her, you're in GPS now. You don't have to keep donating. We can just get you in here.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, we'll give you permissions for all that stuff.
Nikki Kinzer:
You're here. And she said...
Pete Wright:
Get out of Patreon.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. And you know what she asked me? She said, well, does that still support the podcast? And I said, well, no, because it's really separate. I mean, the Patreon community is supporting the podcast that's supporting me and Pete, and she's like, well, no, that I want to keep it the same because I want to support you guys.
Pete Wright:
Oh, that's amazing.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes, I know.
Pete Wright:
That's so nice. Wow.
Nikki Kinzer:
Her name is Dawn, and I just want to shout out to Dawn and say thank you for that, because I just thought that was very sweet.
Pete Wright:
Thank you, Dawn.
Nikki Kinzer:
And we appreciate you and everybody else that is part of this community that helps support us because that is what the Patreon is, is to support you and I to continue doing what we're doing and do these benefits and everything else.
Pete Wright:
Well, and all this stuff. It all grew out of the podcast, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
It's so nice that there is still this sort of trunk of support that started so many years ago. So thank you Dawn and everybody for supporting the show. I don't want to do anything, Nikki. I don't want to.
Nikki Kinzer:
I don't either.
Pete Wright:
Sometimes I just don't want to.
Nikki Kinzer:
I just think going into my dining room and doing a puzzle sounds really good right now.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, it does. I have a whole list of things I don't want to do. And what happens is if there's one thing I don't want to do, it usually is in the way of four or five other things that I maybe would've done, but now I really don't want to do. They stack up.
Nikki Kinzer:
Motivation.
Pete Wright:
They're compounding. So what is going on with this little thing, our dear friend, special friend of the show, emotional dysregulation?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. That's exactly what it is. So this is an impairment or inability to regulate your feelings. So it may cause an overreaction to small setbacks or challenges. And when you were talking, that's the first thing that came to my mind was that as soon as something doesn't go the way you expect it to, the day is over. It feels like it's over. I am hanging up my hat and my trench coat, and I'm going to go do my puzzle.
Pete Wright:
Your hat and your trench coat.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
Are you a 1930s detective?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. I am.
Pete Wright:
All right. I'm a real gumshoe.
Nikki Kinzer:
And it's raining outside. I have this whole vision. I'm in New York City.
Pete Wright:
Oh, very noir.
Nikki Kinzer:
And it's stormy and I'm hanging everything up and I got candlelights.
Pete Wright:
I hear a lonely saxophone in the distance.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. And it's all by candlelight. I have to do my puzzle with candlelight because the electricity isn't working right now. I have a whole thing in my head.
Pete Wright:
Outstanding.
Nikki Kinzer:
It is really. But yes, still. Okay, going back to the emotional dysregulation, I'm going to have you talk about the science because these words are too hard for me to pronounce.
Pete Wright:
I think this is sort of a universe collide kind of a thing, because a while ago we did a show on the divorce podcast that I host, How to Split a Toaster, and we had a guest on who talked about the amygdala hijack. And this was some years ago. And at the same time we started talking more and more about emotional dysregulation and the role that the amygdala serves in regulating emotions. The amygdala is the portion of the brain that handles the emotional reaction and decision-making. And in times of stress in that case, divorce, in our case, ADHD, the amygdala takes over things that it should not take over. Our evolutionary response to, oh my God, there's a saber tooth tiger on that rock above me. That's when you want your amygdala to hijack everything and get you out of there. But right now, what is the greatest threat that we face? It's not a saber tooth tiger.
Nikki Kinzer:
No, it's opening an email.
Pete Wright:
I can all but guarantee...
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. It's making a phone call.
Pete Wright:
It's opening an email. So the amygdala is taking over services that need to remain clear and cogent, and that is emotional dysregulation.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely. Well, and it happens every day. So the occasional tiger sighting doesn't happen very often, but like you said with ADHD, this is happening all the time.
Pete Wright:
With every email is another tiger.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. And when you think about ADHD, you're already going to be prone to focus on what interests you. And so if there's a I don't want to do this for any reason, then you're going to avoid it at all costs. So you're going to let that go and try to... You're going to focus your attention on something else. So instead of thinking first, the ADHD brain is going straight to reacting to those very strong emotions. And RSD can come into play.
Pete Wright:
Rejection sensitivity for sure. And it's tricky. Tell me if you haven't heard this, you run into an I don't want to, you think, here's the thing that I don't want to do right now. I know it's the most important thing. I might have all of my faculties aware and clear that this is the most important thing, but I'm hijacked and I don't want to do this thing, and I'm really resisting it. And so I am retargeting. I'm redirecting my energy on doing something less important, less urgent, and then I get that dopamine response that makes me feel like I've done a good thing when I haven't done a good thing.
I might've straightened up the kitchen table and cleaned the kitchen and unloaded the dishes and done all the things that haven't gotten that contract signed that I really need to do, but I'm terrified of that, that I haven't committed to that next project that I'm scared to actually get done because I don't know if I'm capable of doing it and imposter syndrome and all of those things. It doesn't matter because I just gave myself a treat for doing something that makes me feel as if I did a hard thing when I did not.
Nikki Kinzer:
And it's so temporary. It's such a temporary treat, right? Because it feels good at the moment, but then an hour later, you're stewing in your self-loathing of I didn't do what I was supposed to do. So now we're in this spiral of just feeling terrible and bad about ourselves. And then that treat that felt good in the moment, doesn't even feel good anymore. It feels regretful. I shouldn't have been doing that. It's a crazy cycle.
Pete Wright:
It's the compounding fact or the compounding effect of the regret in an I don't want to situation. There's a writer, a guy by the name of Steven Pressfield, who wrote a book that is very, very close to me, important to me called The War of Art.
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, I have that book.
Pete Wright:
He has a really questionable... What?
Nikki Kinzer:
I have that book. A client gave it to me a long, long time ago, and I have...
Pete Wright:
But have you read it?
Nikki Kinzer:
I have it in my library. I don't know. Do you read every book you have in your library?
Pete Wright:
Not every one, but this one's really important to me.
Nikki Kinzer:
I know. Well, now that you say that, I need to find it.
Pete Wright:
We contain multitudes, and Steven Pressfield is a complicated guy, and he's an artist and a creative, and he has said on the record, I can't believe I'm repeating this, but he said on the record that he believes ADHD was created by the pharmaceutical conglomerates. So there are things he doesn't know about.
Nikki Kinzer:
Obviously.
Pete Wright:
But what he does know about is this thing that is the amygdala hijack, but he calls it the resistance. He says it is an energy field radiating from a work in potential. It is a repelling force. It's negative. Its aim is to shove us away, to distract us, to prevent us from doing our work. And in that, I read to prevent us from doing the thing we know needs to be done next, but are incapable of acting on it. That book is like my slightly inebriated uncle kicking my butt into gear. It is energizing and a little bit abrasive, and it just yells at me at just the right way. So when I really need to be yelled at in just the right way, sometimes I open a page of that book and I find it really, really energizing.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. I'm going to find the book.
Pete Wright:
This is the setup... Yeah, it's a good book. This is the setup to this whole conversation around how we find ourselves in a space of emotional dysregulation. We're hijacked.
Nikki Kinzer:
We're hijacked. Well, we don't want to stay hijacked. I know that. So we're going to basics, because we know this is what we're feeling, and we don't want to stay here, so we have to do something, otherwise we're going to stay here. So that's going to require us to think about what our next step is to get out. I have another visual of being stuck in mud. You're stuck in mud. You've got... Again, this is a rainy, stormy day, and I'm in a...
Pete Wright:
Lone saxophone in the distance.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. And I have big yellow rain boots on and I can't get out of the mud. I'm stuck. So you got to think about what are your options? How do I get out of this mud? I have to lift my foot up, and then I have to take this forward step, and then I have to put the foot down, and then I have to balance myself, and I got to get the second foot, the left foot up, and then move it forward, get my balance. It's a step-by-step thing. It's these little steps.
Pete Wright:
So how does it... As you're talking, it makes me think about just that reminder of the difference, the nuanced difference between I can't versus I won't, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
Because what you're describing is I retain the ability to make choice about lifting my foot and putting it forward in the next step in front of me. And the other voice is, oh, but because I'm hijacked, I won't do that. I won't pick up my foot to the next thing. And I think that means we have to step back and figure out what is the emotional experience? What is the thing that is limiting my capacity to believe in my ability to lift my foot and put it in front of me.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. Because there is a difference between can't and won't. Because if you physically can't because you are in quicksand, or it's like you've lost your movement of legs completely, then we have to think of, okay, what's the other option? I need help. I need to get help so I can get out of this situation. How do I get help? So maybe it's screaming or yelling or something that will get somebody's attention. So if you physically can't do something, then again, we still have to look at the options that we have around that. What else can you do to get yourself out of here? And the thing about if you think about, well, really, I just won't do it then...
What you're saying is you have to confront those limiting beliefs. You have to confront what makes you think you can't do it, because you can do it. You can answer that email, you can make that phone call. There isn't anything physical that's saying that you can't actually go and do it. So again, we have to look at our options and what does one step forward look like? And I guess separate a little bit, because your emotions are so high and it is really difficult to have any space in between them. So let's get out of the mud. We're going to not use that story anymore.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, because it's just really great because what you've just described is limiting beliefs as a spectrum, which says there are limiting beliefs, which is like, well, I can't do that, but at some point, the limiting belief becomes a tantrum. And that's what I don't want to is. That's what I won't represent. It's an emotional internal tantrum that says, I am putting up walls around what my next step would be, whether it's a step out of the mud or answering an email or picking up the phone to check my voicemail or whatever. I am in a tantrum state, and we have to recognize that me being in a tantrum state should not dictate a refusal to do the most important thing. That's what we have to navigate between.
Nikki Kinzer:
And that may need some space around it. It may need a little bit of time to let those feelings be. But then the next day, it's a new day. I get to start again, make a different choice, because time does do something. It does help us in a lot of ways, and especially with emotions. It can help the heightened emotions start to calm down. It's just like the storms that James Ochoa talks about. You get through them. It's hard and crazy and scary when you're in it, but eventually you do get to the shore. And I think that that's what is happening here, is to get yourself into a place where you can take that next action and feel like you can take that next action. And if you can't, if you in this really depressive state, ask for help. If you don't see any other way out, you don't see it, that's where you really need to say, I need help right now. I need something more than just coming from me. And that's okay.
Pete Wright:
Totally okay. But the reality is when I am compromised is not the right time for me to try to litigate limiting beliefs in my own head and heart, because I'm compromised.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. You're compromised.
Pete Wright:
But when I'm not compromised, the mantra of self-talk, which is if I waited to do everything that was on my list for when I felt like the space was right, when I felt good...
Nikki Kinzer:
You're never going to do it.
Pete Wright:
I'll never get anything done ever.
Nikki Kinzer:
You're never going to do it. Yeah, absolutely.
Pete Wright:
I read this article about ADHD scheduling and the setup is always like this. Why do people with ADHD resent schedules? Well, it's because if you're neurodiverse, then you tend to feel more inclined to improvise with your time and to follow the nature of whimsy. This was in Chat At It Today on their blog. And there is a lot to that. And that doesn't change the reality that we live in a culture that demands at least some adherence to time, scheduling and responsibilities. That's just our reality. And so we have to figure out how to adapt.
Nikki Kinzer:
And that's where I think that mindset is important. I think identifying those limiting beliefs are important and finding the strategies that help you get into that next step, which is what we talk a lot about here. We talk about using body doubles, we talk about Pomodoro methods, we talk about intentional planning. These are the things that will help you get out of that and get you into that first step. And so I think it's giving yourself enough time to let the emotions go down a little bit, but then saying, what can I do? And I keep going back to when my daughter was in elementary school and they were teaching growth mindset. And I still remember her saying, mom, you can do hard things.
Pete Wright:
Oh my gosh, that's so lovely.
Nikki Kinzer:
And that's almost like what you have to keep repeating to yourself is, I can do hard things. And I think your point to waiting for motivation or waiting for the right time, I think what I'm talking about is we're waiting for the emotions to be a little bit less, but you can't wait for the right time because you're absolutely right. It's never going to happen. That motivation, you're not going to all of a sudden be motivated to do a bunch of communication work when you don't want to do it. So then we have to figure out how can you make it a little bit more engaging, less hard? And then you look at these strategies.
The thing that you have to be careful of, and this doesn't happen often, but it does happen every once in a while where I'll be talking to somebody and I'll be going back and forth on these strategies, and I'm always hearing a, yeah but... Oh I tried that but... I don't think that's going to work for me. So there's always a reason that they have somehow convinced themselves that this particular strategy doesn't work. And I've been doing this long enough to know that just because it didn't work for you, maybe two or three or four years ago does not mean it's not going to work for you today. And so anything that you're questioning, I would really recommend that you keep trying again and look at it from a different point of view.
Pete Wright:
Can I just throw out a thing I haven't thought about until just right now?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
I have this thing that I've been saying for decades that my tendency is to back pocket success. I have a thing that I feel really good about. Let's just say I've written a couple of books that I have never published. They're fiction books. They're just sitting in a drawer. And part of my hangup, my mental malfunction is that I back pocket success. I keep those books in my back pocket, and I say, well, I've written the book, but I'll never know if it would've been successful because it's not published. It's like Schrodinger's book. So I can feel good about doing it, but also constantly punish myself for not finishing the job.
And I think there is something to that, speaking about my behavior writ large, around trying new things around systems. When I find myself really pushing back on a system, sometimes it's because the bigger question than why have I not done it is what if it works? What if it works and I find new ways to fail? What if I unlock something but uncover that the reason it hasn't worked for me before is not because it hasn't worked for me before, but because I'm a bad person? That's the limiting belief that's going on in my head, that I'm going to uncover some related malfunction that I am going to hate knowing about myself. So I better keep it a secret and keep the walls up.
Nikki Kinzer:
And for some reason, you feel you're protecting yourself.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, and it hurts so much to say that crap out loud. But I also know on some level, I am, like you said, I'm protecting myself from something that I believe is worse. That's inner lunacy for me. Why would one do that? But that is at the root when I'm compromised, that's at the root of my, I don't want to, because I have already written the script about why this doesn't work so that I don't have to face the monster on the other side.
Nikki Kinzer:
And not asking yourself what if it did work?
Pete Wright:
Right. I don't think I've ever put all of those words together before about myself. I don't want to judge anybody else, but I just reflect that because maybe someone hears what I just said and says, oh God, I do that too.
Nikki Kinzer:
That's it.
Pete Wright:
I wonder if I'm alone.
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, I don't think you are.
Pete Wright:
That's going to be something to reflect on.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. For sure.
Pete Wright:
For sure.
Nikki Kinzer:
For sure. And I think that's the key is that when we're in the state, what do we need to dig deeper around? That resistance. Where do we need to ask ourselves some hard questions? But also I think what you have said and added is really important too. But what if it does work? What if this is a good thing? What if I send this email and it actually... They're not mad at me. They're actually saying they're sorry. There's a lot of different scenarios that could be more positive too, and we tend to really forget those.
Pete Wright:
For sure.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. It's not an easy thing to get by.
Pete Wright:
I'm exhausted.
Nikki Kinzer:
I know. There's a lot to think about here, but it's a good conversation. I'm glad that we have it because it is something that we all do and don't always catch ourselves doing it.
Pete Wright:
We appreciate everybody for a number of different things. The first one is members who were looking forward to a live stream last week and we had to cancel, we're sorry. We hope this episode somehow makes up for it. And for everybody else, thank you so much. We so appreciate your time and your attention. Don't forget if you have something to contribute, I'll still create a thread in the show talk channel to talk about this episode as it goes out. And we appreciate your comments. Head over there and see what's up and share your thoughts. Hopefully something connected on this one. It's a big one.
Nikki Kinzer:
I'm sure we'll come back to it.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, for sure. You can join us over there by becoming a supporting member over at patreon.com/theADHDpodcast at the deluxe level or better. On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, I'm Pete Wright. We'll see you right back here next week on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast.
