Unapologetically ADHD: Planning for the Future
Imagine the relief of a warm, understanding hand reaching out just when your carefully constructed plans start to crumble under the weight of ADHD. That's the feeling Nikki and Pete aim to instill as they wrap up their series on their new book, "Unapologetically ADHD: A Step-by-Step Framework for Everyday Planning on Your Terms." This week, they tackle the often-dreaded concept of "planning for the future," acknowledging the unique hurdles it presents for those with ADHD.
Forget rigid schedules and unforgiving to-do lists. Nikki and Pete encourage listeners to reimagine their planning systems as a circle of supportive friends, always ready to welcome them back, no matter how long it's been. They offer gentle guidance on recognizing the subtle signs of a system in need of repair – the overflowing inbox, the forgotten calendar, the siren song of the sticky note. But more importantly, they delve into the heart of the matter: the emotional turmoil that often accompanies these struggles. They urge listeners to face those feelings of fear, uncertainty, and shame with compassion, recognizing them as a natural part of the journey.
Pete shares a passage from the book, validating the immense effort it takes to maintain those carefully crafted systems, reminding listeners that "it is not easy. It's never been easy. The dirty truth is that it never will be easy." He celebrates the quiet courage it takes to keep trying, to embrace imperfection, and to find joy in the face of constant challenges.
The episode leaves listeners with a message of hope and self-acceptance. Nikki and Pete remind us that true success lies not in flawlessly executing our plans, but in finding the strength to get back up, dust ourselves off, and embrace the beautiful, messy reality of living "Unapologetically ADHD."
Links & Notes
-
Pete Wright:
Hello everybody and welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast on TruStory FM. I'm Pete Wright, and I'm here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer:
Hello everyone. Hello, Pete Wright.
Pete Wright:
This is it. This is it, Nikki. Did you see the dramatic zoom on the live stream? I just zoomed in on this.
Nikki Kinzer:
You zoomed in.
Pete Wright:
It's called a crash zoom. This is it. This is our last episode in... I'm sure it's not the last time we'll mention our book Unapologetically ADHD, it's-
Nikki Kinzer:
I doubt that, yeah.
Pete Wright:
For everyday planning, on your terms. But it is the last of our inaugural series on the book, talking about some of the big concepts that we talk about in the book itself. And so we're excited to do that. Today, we are kind of wrapping it up with planning for the future, which brings so many complex feelings and-
Nikki Kinzer:
Thoughts.
Pete Wright:
... thoughts, and-
Nikki Kinzer:
And anxieties.
Pete Wright:
Uh, it's so hard.
Nikki Kinzer:
And all kinds of fun things.
Pete Wright:
And so that's what we're going to do.
Nikki Kinzer:
We're going to ease you into it.
Pete Wright:
That's right. So before we do that, all you got to know is where to find the book, and you can visit unapologeticallyadhdbook.com. That's right, I secured the domain. Or, takecontroladhd.com/adhdbook. So many different places that take you to the same place. Invariably, they will take you to the buttons where you can go to one of the big stores and buy the book yourself. And it is available in your local bookseller. We would love to have you, if it's not in your local bookseller, have you ask and have them order it. It sends great signals. That's really nice. But if you see it on a shelf, pick it up. Otherwise, you can go to one of the Barnes & Noble, or Amazon, or Apple Books and get the ebook or hardcover edition. And yes, the audiobook is coming, and-
Nikki Kinzer:
Soon.
Pete Wright:
... it's coming soon. It's coming soon. So we're excited about that too. Now, planning for the future, where would you like to start? Oh, you're coughing now.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah, sorry. Okay.
Pete Wright:
Where would you like to start?
Nikki Kinzer:
Well, let's start with just sort of what the chapter is about. So the last section of the book is really looking at where some of your roadblocks might come when you have completed a planning system, right? So the last few weeks, we've been talking about how to choose tools, how to build them, what these workflows are. But we know that with ADHD, things are not consistent and things are going to come up where you're going to be stressed and you're not going to look at your task manager, you're just going to go straight into work. And you may be doing that for a week or two weeks, or three weeks. And all of a sudden, what you have built really feels like it's way in the past, and we know that. And so we want to make sure we're addressing that in this last chapter. And it's interesting because this last chapter was not even in the original draft, if you remember.
Pete Wright:
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer:
We had gotten this really nice... We were talking to our contact, and she was praising us about how easy we were to work with, and how we were making all of our deadlines and everything was so great.
Pete Wright:
And then we dropped the bomb.
Nikki Kinzer:
And then I was like, "I have a question. Is it possible for me to put in this last chapter?" And she was like, "Oh, well, let me find out." But I really felt it was important because I wanted to wrap things up, and I wanted us to be able to talk about these things that are going to happen with ADHD. So it really is around, what is a resilient system, and how do you make sure that yours is that way? So we start the chapter with reviewing the idea that your planning system is your friend, your planning system is friends with your ADHD. And you are friends with the planning system and your ADHD. So you're just this one big happy friend group, right?
Pete Wright:
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer:
So we're all friends. And what's great about this friend group is even if it's been a while since you've seen each other, you're always welcomed, right?
Pete Wright:
Mm-hmm, that's so sweet.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right? Yeah, it's like that person that you haven't seen in years, but then you go and have lunch with, and you guys just talk and talk and talk like there's been no time. That is what we're aiming for is that special friend. And people are probably like, "Whatever, Nikki. You're crazy." But that is what we're looking for. Because what is great is that you can come and visit and say hello, get reacquainted. And your planning system, whatever that is, your calendar, your task manager, all of those different tools that we've talked about, they're not judging you. They're not mad at you for not visiting, they're not shaming you. And that's a mindset change, right? Because we usually tend to not want to go back because we feel so bad about it, but they want you to come back. They want you to come and visit.
And if you don't remember exactly where to start, or you're feeling overwhelmed because there's just too many outdated things in there, and you just don't feel good about it, pick up the book again and start over. Because that's what this is meant for. It is meant to be a book that you use over and over again, as a refresher, as a reminder. It's not just a book you read once and then, "Oh, okay, I can put it in the bookshelf." It is really something to come back to because it will still give you the framework on how to get back into your system. And actually a little easier this time because you don't have to start all over, you've done it once already. And so that's the thing that we really want to highlight here. Before we get into watching for the warning signs, I'm just curious if there's anything you want to add before I keep talking?
Pete Wright:
No, I like it. You just described exactly the sort of... I mean for me, of course it's the cantina in Star Wars. But that's the environment that I'm thinking of as we were writing and as I'm reading the book again, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
It's that environment of kindness and patience. And the other way to look at it, which is the way I want to call out only because let's try to wean ourselves from this, is this idea that systems don't care about you. They're just systems. That's true. They're not judging you because they don't give you any thought. They're not humans, they're not people, they're not animals. They're not an angry cat staring at you from across the room. They're just your systems. But as soon as you reposition them in your mind as colleagues, as partners, your systems can take on a new role-
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
... in your life. Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
I love that. So there are some warning signs for us to be aware of when we start to notice that maybe something in your planning system is not working well. So I just want to highlight some of these things. And they're pretty obvious, but I think it's important that we bring awareness because awareness is power, right?
Pete Wright:
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer:
Once we know that this is happening, then we can actually do something about it, and not... Again, we're visiting and we're not feeling bad about what has happened. We're just going forward.
Pete Wright:
We're just doing it.
Nikki Kinzer:
We're just doing it. So if it's been over a week since you've reviewed any part of your Workbox, whether that's the calendar, the task manager, these other tools that you're using, it's a little red flag. Okay, it's been over a week. You're no longer doing any kind of daily check-in or planning of your day, you're just going straight in and working. Or responding to email, responding to text message, or whatever it is that you go to first. The last weekly focus. And a reminder, the weekly focus is that weekly plan. That if it's been over two weeks since you've actually sat and looked at what's ahead, what's coming up, that's a good red flag.
Pete Wright:
It's no longer a weekly plan.
Nikki Kinzer:
It's not a weekly plan anymore, right? If you're using the supporting tools like paper and sticky notes more than the main Workbox tools. If you're relying on the sticky note more than you are on your task manager, red flag.
Pete Wright:
Yep.
Nikki Kinzer:
Biggest red flag is that you just don't trust that what's in the Workbox is current or even going to help you, then that's an issue. So what we want to do is, when we build awareness, regardless if it's been a week or it's been five weeks since you've noticed this. The very first step to do is just sit for a moment and reflect on what is going on here, and address the issues. Is it because you're just in a really busy period, but now you're not? So now you can take time to actually get reorganized. Is it because it's not user-friendly to you? Are you going back and forth between two systems? We want to really figure out what's going on and address those issues, before we jump ship and go into a new program or a new system. We also have to, this is probably the biggest one, is deal with the emotions that are around-
Pete Wright:
I was just going to say.
Nikki Kinzer:
... how you're feeling about all of this.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. So much of the change that you see when you start dropping these specific tools from your system are based in fear and uncertainty.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
And that you're being judged by others. That you're incapable of doing the things that are on your list. That you haven't sufficiently broken down a task, and so it feels impossible. And all of those things cause you to drift.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
But drifting can be fixed, drifting can be resolved.
Nikki Kinzer:
It can, and it can be leaned into, right? So I was talking to a member of my GPS membership, and she's a ADHD coach, and she talks a lot about emotions with her clients.
Pete Wright:
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer:
And we were talking about shame, and avoidance, and embarrassment because it's taken so long to get back to someone. And one of the things that she said that I just really stuck with me is that, "You need to lean into those emotions. If we keep trying to fight them, then they keep being at bay, and then you keep avoiding." But let's lean into that, and let's feel that shame and feel like, yes, this is really uncomfortable. But then you're also, what you say, Pete, "Your future self is going to feel so much better when this is done." And so you're coaching yourself, right?
Pete Wright:
Right.
Nikki Kinzer:
And so those are all the things that we want to do when you're noticing that these systems aren't working for you. And believe that you can start again, and it's going to be okay. And we have a step-by-step way of doing that in the book. It walks you through taking time aside, what to do with that time. And I can tell you, I've done this enough with many, many clients. It's not as bad as you think it's going to be.
Pete Wright:
Never.
Nikki Kinzer:
It isn't.
Pete Wright:
Never is bad.
Nikki Kinzer:
It's not. I remember sitting with someone who was just, she was so scared to go into her Todoist because she just knew there were going to be all of these things. And it was so interesting to me the perspectives, because when I looked at her Todoist, I mean, I've seen some Todoists and some task managers that are like, you know?
Pete Wright:
That are rough.
Nikki Kinzer:
That are rough.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
Hers was really minimal, but her emotion around it was so big, it took us less than 10 minutes to get it updated. I mean, less than 10 minutes.
Pete Wright:
10 minutes. But this also plays into the timey wimey Jeremy Bearimy, ADHDers and time.
Nikki Kinzer:
Jeremy Bearimy. Yes.
Pete Wright:
Right? Because 10 minutes-
Nikki Kinzer:
Can you remind people what Jeremy Bearimy is? Because I think it's great.
Pete Wright:
It's so good. Jeremy Bearimy, we talked about it two weeks ago. Jeremy Bearimy is the timeline that describes the afterlife in the TV show, The Good Place. And Ted Danson stands up and does a whiteboard drawing of the words Jeremy Bearimy. And he says, "This is what time is like in the afterlife. And we named it Jeremy Bearimy because it kind of looks like Jeremy Bearimy in cursive." And that hit me so hard that what Ted Danson is actually describing is ADHD. Because the 10 minutes that Nikki is talking about right now, they just feel like an impossible 10 minutes to wrap my head around when I'm in that emotional state. That I can't deal with anything, so I won't deal with anything.
And I just watched, I posted my story on Instagram because it was so good. Russ Barkley was doing a presentation and said, "ADHD is not a condition of attention. It's a condition of a myopia around time." You can't see the future. You can only see what's right here. And so everything that comes up is huge because it's right in front of your face. That 10 minutes feels like it's huge because it's right in front of your face. How could you ever digest that 10-minute chunk, because it feels so big? It feels as big as writing a doctoral thesis. It's just too big. And there's no relative sensation of a practical approach to tasks. They're all the same size. And so I totally get it, and it's okay. It's okay to see the world that way because we do. We just do. Also, making it a practice to condition yourself to see what 10 minutes really is, doing so will make it better.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely. So anything you want to add around the last chapter, the last part of this book before we talk about what we want people to walk away with in general, overall?
Pete Wright:
Well, I'll hold... You brought up before we started recording that maybe there is a short, it's a short essay that may actually be applicable to this conversation, and I would love to share it. I think the last time we did any reading from the book in this five-part series was in part one.
Nikki Kinzer:
I think so. Yes.
Pete Wright:
And so I'd love to share just a little bit at the end. So let's transition.
Nikki Kinzer:
Sure.
Pete Wright:
All right, so what do you want the reader to walk away with from reading the book?
Nikki Kinzer:
Such a good question.
Pete Wright:
I know. It's a good segue, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. So many things. I think that the biggest thing is remember the title, Unapologetically ADHD. Throughout the whole book, we are keeping your ADHD in mind. And as we said earlier, even with our systems, we're partnering with it. We're working with it, not against it. We're advocating for ourselves. We're customizing these things to work for us. We're taking away the shoulds. There's so many shoulds when it comes to planning, and to-do lists, and what your schedule should look like. And you get one life, right? You get 24 hours. As we've already discussed, it's not the same 24 hours with the ADHD mind as a neurotypical. But regardless, it's still ticking. And we get to decide how we want to spend that time. And I hope that people walk away with a planning system. I hope people walk away with a reference to go back to when they need to, when it does start to break, or it doesn't feel good. But more than anything, I just hope that people are proud of who they are, and partner with ADHD, and live unapologetically. Because that's important.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, for sure. We've been talking about what it means to be unapologetically ADHD. And so many of the... We've been doing this whole media tour guesting on other people's podcasts, OPPs. Yeah, you know me. And-
Nikki Kinzer:
OPPs, that's funny. Other people's podcasts.
Pete Wright:
I mean, there's something beyond, just go out and educate yourself about ADHD, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
You should do that. And you should educate yourself specifically about how your ADHD works, because ADHD is a very broad spectrum, and so-
Nikki Kinzer:
It sure is. And it can look different in your life at different points. Yeah, for sure.
Pete Wright:
That's the lifetime journey of ADHD, is not just riding around with it dragging you through life, but owning it. Owning it and taking advantage of it when you need to. Documenting how your brain works when you need to, it will help you better communicate your needs to others around you, and relate to the world around you. Obviously there are the pieces as adults with ADHD and adult college students, knowing your rights, learning your rights, this is a part that a lot of people don't have to do. They don't really have to think of it. They exercise a privilege moving through life, not having to understand ADA and Section 504.
They don't have to deal with those things. But those laws are there to... sure to protect from discrimination, but to enable you for success, and that's important. You are your own best advocate, right? Request those accommodations if you need them, if you believe that they will help you. Do not hesitate to ask, because you're the only one who has to stand up and face the barriers that exist because of your ADHD. You're the only one. So figure that out. I was thinking about the three definitions of impossible. Do you know these three definitions of impossible?
Nikki Kinzer:
No. I want to learn.
Pete Wright:
Well, I may have just invented it, I don't know. Which implies they may be wrong. So impossible is impossible because it breaks an act. It would break an act of a law of physics. There are some things that are impossible because science.
Nikki Kinzer:
Like I can't just go outside and say, "Make it rain."
Pete Wright:
Yeah. I can't go to the moon and say, "Breathe without help," right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. Right. Okay.
Pete Wright:
I can't do that. Some things are impossible because we haven't figured out how to do them yet. I can't today jump a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon, but-
Nikki Kinzer:
But you could learn.
Pete Wright:
... maybe with rockets and wings, we could figure it out, right? It's impossible because we haven't figured it out yet. And some things are impossible because we stopped trying, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, yeah.
Pete Wright:
That's the one that hurts with ADHD, because you know that it's possible. As an external witness, I look at somebody with ADHD, and I see opportunity. I see possibility, and they stopped trying.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
They stopped trying.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
So it's effectively impossible. You can go around the semantics all you want, but you stopped trying. You stop doing it, it's impossible for you to do. And that really is the mindset thing that we're talking about. That really is the piece that is so important to remember, and to think about when you are going through your day to day. Is it impossible because you stopped trying?
Nikki Kinzer:
Uh, very good.
Pete Wright:
You want me to read just a little bit?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
Okay. I'm going to read just a little bit.
Nikki Kinzer:
Just a little bit. Here's Pete Wright reading just a little bit.
Pete Wright:
This is an essay from the book, just a little bit. That's not what the book is called.
Nikki Kinzer:
No.
Pete Wright:
And for those who haven't started the book, this is addressed to Jordan. Jordan is the avatar for everybody who has ADHD, and my avatar for an ADHD person like me in the book. "Hi Jordan, this has been quite a ride. If you've been keeping up with the book chapter by chapter, creating your new systems and muscling your way through it all, I'll bet dollars to donuts that you're exhausted right about now. This is ADHD. Let's take a breath or two and embrace that exhaustion. Planning with ADHD is a high-calorie burn activity. You think typing a few calendar entries into your planner or marking up a page in a notebook should be easy because you've been told all your life that it's easy. It's not easy, it's never been easy. The dirty truth is that it never will be easy. So breathe it in, hold onto it.
Recognize that what you are doing is hard. Because once you let that breath out, it'll be time to move forward again. This is ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD 25 years ago. I've spent those 25 years trying to figure out two things. What in the hay, who took so long for me to get the diagnosis in the first place? And how do I keep moving forward in my life from that point? Whether you're new to your diagnosis or you've been living with ADHD since you were a kiddo, you might just know a thing or two about those feelings. So maybe you've lived with ADHD for a while. You survived the dark and anxious years. You soared through the introspective we-must-learn-everything years. You somehow hung on through the did-I-lose-all-my-friends years. Maybe you lost some jobs. You probably quit some jobs.
Did you ever run away from some jobs? It's way too easy to reminisce about the challenging times while staring joy square in the face. In spite of all those hard times, ADHD has also illuminated the dark corners of uncertainty in my own life. It has allowed me to unlock pieces of myself that I didn't know existed. I'm amazed to this very day when I learn something about myself that serves to rewrite my story in some way. And thanks to ADHD, I'm learning new things about myself all the time. How does all this apply to the systems we use to plan? Outstanding segue, Jordan. I believe that people living with ADHD who commit to developing resilient systems that allow them to live the lives they want to live are people of utmost courage. These are people who have conquered the fear of trying, who have discovered the desire to connect to a world beyond themselves and engage with it.
They are people who understand that they will sometimes break the promises they make to themselves and others, because their brains are fascinating and unpredictable. In spite of this unpredictability, they stand up, return to their systems and try again. Courageous people know they are not perfect, and even so, they are willing to keep trying. Last words on the subject, I promise, then I'll move along. But it's important, and I hope you've picked up on it, every page leading up to this one in this book. You're going to put a lot of time into building systems that you believe will work for you, and they're going to fall to pieces. But that's okay. It's okay because you're still here. You're alive and breathing. You're an agent of action, and learning, and creativity, and you'll be ready to something new tomorrow. This is ADHD."
Nikki Kinzer:
Applause. Uh, you're so good.
Pete Wright:
Uh, that's fun. Thank you.
Nikki Kinzer:
This is why we co-authored the book. You are so good. So good. I hope people really take that in. Great job, Pete.
Pete Wright:
Thank you everybody for hanging out with us and listening to the book. We sure appreciate you, and we appreciate you for giving the book some consideration in finding a home on your own bookshelf after you've read it, of course. I will add... Thank you, Melissa for reminding me. We did a special bonus episode for members. If you're listening to this in the livestream, that means you, anybody who is a part of our Patreon community, check your Patreon podcast feed. The Podcast to Pages bonus episode is live. It's been out there about a week, I think, and it is... We just kind of document the story of writing the book, a little bit of behind-the-scenes if you're interested. So, thanks everybody. And we'll return to regularly scheduled programming next week, right here on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast.
