Ho Ho Hold On! ADHD Strategies for a Calmer, More Organized Holiday Season
The holidays: a time of joy, connection, and… overwhelming and paralyzing stress? For many, especially those with ADHD, the rapid approach of holidays can trigger a last-minute scramble. On this episode of "Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast," Nikki Kinzer and Pete Wright offer a proactive approach to holiday planning, transforming the season from a source of anxiety into a period of manageable excitement.
Forget the stress spirals! Nikki and Pete kick things off with a simple but powerful tool: your calendar. Dust it off, check those dates, and make sure everything's up to date. Then, unleash your inner brainstormer! Grab a pen and paper (or your favorite digital tool) and let those holiday to-dos flow. Mind maps, master lists – whatever helps you wrangle those thoughts onto something other than the inside of your head. Important note: This isn't your actual to-do list, just a brain dump. We'll get to the action items later.
Next up? Taming the to-do beast by sorting it into categories. Think "Gifts," "Decorations," "That epic holiday party I'm totally going to crush." Once you've got your categories, it's time to plug them into your trusty task management system. The goal? A clear view of what needs doing, so nothing gets lost in the pre-holiday shuffle.
Now for the nitty-gritty: prioritizing. Nikki and Pete guide you through assessing deadlines, impact, and (let's be real) how much time you actually have. They also dive into the brilliant concept of "Priority Dilution" from Rory Vaden's book, Procrastinate on Purpose. It's like that moment when you keep adding water to your favorite drink and it becomes… well, less awesome. Learn how to avoid the Urgency Illusion, the Reactivity Trap, and other productivity pitfalls, and discover the power of a well-placed "no."
Feeling overwhelmed? Nikki and Pete have you covered. They recommend creating a separate daily list, picking just one or two tasks from your master list. It's all about small wins and avoiding that "where do I even start?" paralysis.
Finally, they share strategies for getting ahead of the game. Delegation? Yes, please! Accountability partners? Game-changer. Body doubling sessions? Pure magic. Regular check-ins with your task list? Essential. And remember, all progress is good progress. Pace yourself, schedule reasonable time blocks, and get ready to enjoy a smoother, more joyful holiday season.
Links & Notes
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Pete Wright:
Hello everybody and welcome to Taking Control, the ADHD podcast on True Story FM. I'm Pete Wright and I'm here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer:
Hello everyone. Hello Pete Wright.
Pete Wright:
Hello Nikki. We're making a podcast.
Nikki Kinzer:
We are. Here we are.
Pete Wright:
We planned ahead. Not very long term, we didn't plan ahead that long term, but we did plan ahead.
Nikki Kinzer:
We did.
Pete Wright:
For this show. And we have things to talk about and that is exactly what we're talking about. Not only are we talking a little bit about long term planning with your ADHD, but we're doing it in the context of the months ahead, the big busy holiday months. Planning for the holidays. And here's what I think is important about this. Usually, I think for a long time we shunned holiday planning episodes because we did them a bunch in the early years.
Nikki Kinzer:
We did, yes.
Pete Wright:
I don't know if you remember
Nikki Kinzer:
I do.
Pete Wright:
And then we said we got real bored of those. We got real tired of them.
Nikki Kinzer:
Like planning shmanning. The holidays are going to come.
Pete Wright:
The thing that is different is when we used to do those holiday planning episodes, we did them like during the holidays. They are useless to plan to the holidays. So my hope is here we are careening into November. We're earlier than we've ever done a holiday plan. So this is time to be mindful and to think about the holidays that are coming and whatever tasks we can help you break up into their atomic minniness to be able to start knocking things out earlier rather than late. That's our goal today.
Nikki Kinzer:
That is absolutely our goal.
Pete Wright:
All right, before we dig in, head over to TakeControlADHD.com and get to know us a little bit better. Listen to the show right there on the website or subscribe to the mailing list and we will send you an email each time a new episode is released. Connect with us, our username everywhere is TakeControlADHD, that's Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and of course we would love to invite you, cordially invite you to join us in Discord. Just head over to TakeControlADHD.com/Discord. That's our ADHD community and it's amazing. That's where everybody's living and learning and loving their ADHD.
Two of the three of those things is true most of the time they don't always love their ADHD, but they're at least there to support one another through the hard times. That's why I love this place. If you're already a member of Discord, you can just sign right in with your user account. If you're not, that link, TakeControlADHD.com/Discord will instruct you how to set up a new account now.
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And you can join us for the live stream of this podcast. Shhh. Don't tell anybody else. You can be in there in the live stream. You can ask questions during the live stream that we will answer and nobody else gets to hear it. You get your own personal podcast feed. There are perks out the yin yang. There's all kinds of perks. So please, please, please give it a shot if this show has ever touched you. Your patronage through patreon.com/theADHDpodcast helps everybody who works on this show to keep it coming to you every single week. Okay, I think I'm done. Let's talk later.
Nikki Kinzer:
All right, let's do it.
Pete Wright:
All right, here we are. Getting ready for the holidays. How to plan ahead when you have ADHD planning ahead seems like a cruel, ironic joke with ADHD does.
Nikki Kinzer:
It does.
Pete Wright:
How do we do it?
Nikki Kinzer:
That's a good question. But before we get to the how, I just want to explain a little bit about why it's so difficult. Because the ADHD time zone that we know very much or we know a lot about, there's this little thing called now and not now.
Pete Wright:
Yes, I've lived that.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. Now is here we are right now in October, end of October recording this episode, although you'll hear it live in November. But we're right here right now in October. We are not thinking of December or November, even though November is really only about a week and a half away from this recording. So it's hard to think ahead because it feels so far ahead, especially when you feel behind where you are right now. So it makes sense.
With the ADHD time zone though, time goes by really fast, so all of a sudden it is almost Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever holiday that you celebrate, and often we're waiting till the last minute to get these things done. It's very stressful. So hopefully this show is going to allow it to not be so stressful. It doesn't have to be. So I'm going to walk through some steps for you to follow, of course, tweak it as you need it.
But the first thing that we do in GPS, our planning membership. Whenever we do any kind of long-term planning, we're always looking at the calendar first and we're looking at what are the special events that are coming up? What do you need to be prepared for? Are you hosting a party? Are you going to a party? What appointments do you have around the holidays? Are your kids out of school? When do they get out of school? When do they go back to school? So it's really checking your calendar and figuring out what needs to be on it because a lot of the stuff probably isn't even on it yet.
Pete Wright:
How often do you recommend looking far ahead on your calendar? How often should you have your calendar at the ready? And I'm looking at the monthly calendar, to look out into the future when you're in this mode. The real question is, I'm going to set a reminder in my work box to tell me, review my calendar. How often should I set that reminder to go off?
Nikki Kinzer:
I think it depends on the season and how busy you are during the season. So it's going to be a different answer for everyone. But if you're a very busy person during the holidays, if the end of the year is, if October, November and December are really busy for you, then I suggest that you set that reminder in September and do kind of what we call a quarterly review.
Now, this is a very broad and not detailed review. All we're doing is looking at the calendar and just seeing what needs to be on it. What are those events. Now for some people that might be summer and so they need to do more of a quarterly review in June to be looking at July, August and September.
Pete Wright:
Because those are the times, especially when we're talking about long-term planning for the holidays, the in-laws are coming to visit. When do they arrive? Do they have their flight information? They're probably buying, if they're like my in-laws, they've bought their tickets six months in advance, we can put that on the calendar when they're going to show up because those are the big milestones, the big rocks in GTD speak that we're going to be planning around to make sure when they're in my house.
Nikki Kinzer:
And it can also help you make the decision on what you're going to do. So for example, my parents invited us to go to their home in Arizona for Thanksgiving. I made the decision in September that we were not going to do that. So then that way I didn't have to worry about when we needed to get airplane tickets and when we needed to do all this stuff. We actually just made the decision we're not going to do it. And it was nice to be able to make that decision early on because then we didn't have to worry about any of that. So it's kind of preventing some of that decision fatigue as you get into the season. And especially if you decide you want to do it, then you want to put that as a task to do sooner than later and not the week before Thanksgiving.
Pete Wright:
Sure.
Nikki Kinzer:
Or even in October it might be too expensive. So it's trying to get you to think ahead. So we always check the calendar first. But I going back to monthly planning, that's always a good thing to do too at the end of the month is just look at your month ahead and is everything on the calendar because that's the important stuff. That's the stuff that you have to be at some place. And so we want to make sure that those are documented so you don't have to remember it. We don't want to rely on your memory.
Pete Wright:
Right. So those are the big rocks.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes, those are the big rocks. And so now what we want to do is we've got everything on the calendar. So let's get our brainstorming skills in play here and start basically putting a master list together or brain dump, mind map, whatever technique you like to do about what you need to do for these events. So if you're hosting Thanksgiving, that's a project. And so we need to start breaking that down. So instead of putting it straight into your task manager or having a bunch of different pads of paper around what to do with Thanksgiving, we're doing kind of a brain dump first and getting everything out of your head and onto this piece of paper.
Pete Wright:
Got it.
Nikki Kinzer:
But.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, I was just acclimating myself to what to do. And now you're telling me there's a but.
Nikki Kinzer:
This is not your master list of things to do during the holidays. So I'll just use Thanksgiving as an example so we can zero in on one example. Once you do the brain dump, the brain dump is not your master list. So this is the most important thing because a lot of people will ask, "But what's next? Great, I got this brain dump, but what do I do with it?"
And if you use it as your master list, it's going to be really overwhelming because not only are you planning for Thanksgiving, you're planning for everything else that you have to do. And so it just gets to be too much. So what we want to do is take that brain dump because it probably has more than just Thanksgiving prep, and we want to start really organizing it by categories or areas. And so for example, it could be one project would just be Thanksgiving prep, what do I need to do for Thanksgiving?
Pete Wright:
And it's okay to keep it that broad.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
Like Thanksgiving. Just Thanksgiving. Just a giant bucket.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. And then you might have one for Christmas, if you celebrate Christmas. You might have one for Hanukkah, if you celebrate Hanukkah. You might have one for New Year's Eve if you have a big New Year's Eve party. So you're starting to separate. The reason we don't want our master list to be our working list is because you don't want New Year's Eve mixed in with Thanksgiving. That's going to be chaos and confusing.
So we want to start breaking this stuff down. And depending on your task manager, you can then start putting this in a digital format if you want. Or you can start putting it into a paper format. We've already talked a lot about planning tools and things. But the mission of getting it into your task task manager, whatever that may look like is for you to keep track of where you are in the project. So Thanksgiving is obviously going to be more important than New Year's.
So we're also doing some prioritizing here of what I need to focus on right now. And inside of the task manager is when you can start to think about, "Okay, well what are the deadlines with this? What do I need to have ordered?" All of those different things that can kind of start to happen when you're entering something into a task manager. And reminders to keep you on track, what alarms and things like that do you need to have. But you're basically breaking it down. So let me just review this because I know I'm talking a lot.
We do the brainstorm, we've got the big master list of everything that we think we need to do. We're breaking that up into categories, and then we're taking the most important deadline driven category first and breaking that down and putting it into our task management. Does that make sense?
Pete Wright:
Yeah, it does. And I think it's okay. That's why I mentioned keep it broad, because I think one of the things I can hear, like the ADHD part of me can hear is, "Okay, I know I'm going to start this activity and at the end my eyes will be like Shere Khan, they're going to spiral. I'm going to be just completely dizzy and hypnotized by overwhelm. And I think all we're saying here, all we're suggesting is start by prioritizing by time. Thanksgiving is more important than New Year's. Not because you love Thanksgiving more than New Year's, but because it happens first.
And I think this is a great area for when you're brainstorming to think in terms of a Kanban structure. I have a very wide notepad and I would write Thanksgiving and then Christmas and New Years and whatever. Name the big things across the top and then start brainstorming the tasks below them and you can move back and forth as things hit your mind.
Nikki Kinzer:
Great idea.
Pete Wright:
You don't have to do it all in one column. You jump around, make connecting lines, draw, whatever you need to do to get those out of your head. But I feel like that is a thing that removes some of the overwhelm, the task overwhelm by just being able to see it sort of in a little bit of an organized way when I put it down. I'm not over organizing at this point. I'm not putting dates to anything. It's just here's the stuff in a very broad category.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. And it's a constant work in progress. So this first part, like you said, is very broad. And then when you really start to break down Thanksgiving, then it can be like plan menu, create the grocery list, go to the grocery store, delegate who's going to bring what. You can start to break it down, but you don't have to do it all at once. And I think that as soon as the overwhelm starts to kind of really kick in, which it's already kicked in, but when it starts to get blurry and you start getting frustrated, then take a break.
Pete Wright:
Walk away.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah, walk away. Because the nice thing about doing this ahead of time is you have plenty of time to take a break and come back to it tomorrow. And if we go to what we learned from Dr. Dini about visiting the task, then that's a really beautiful thing because I can come back tomorrow and visit this and not be as overwhelmed because I know that I've already started the process and I can start to work with this planning in my schedule and in my own time and not feel stressed out. That's the key, is we just don't want to get so stressed out. So you have something on here that's really interesting to me, priority dilution.
Pete Wright:
Priority dilution. So sometimes you read a book and it has some fancy words in it. My job is really the search for metaphors that helped me live my life in a new way, that's settled science. And so I've been reading this book called Procrastinate on Purpose by Rory Vaden. And he comes from kind of a sales background, and so it's got a little bit of that vibe to it. But one of the things he gets into is this concept he calls priority dilution, which is this obstacle to being able to see time clearly, where new seemingly urgent tasks constantly interrupt or overshadow existing priorities, ultimately derailing your progress on what matters.
And how he explains it is you have a really strong drink, your favorite drink that has a really strong flavor. It doesn't have to be alcoholic. Picture your favorite drink, it's a Dr. Pepper. All right, so you've got a Dr. Pepper and then you slowly start adding water. How long before you can no longer taste the vibrancy of the Dr. Pepper. How long before it's just mud water?
That's priority dilution. It's kind of an ugly space, and I'm sure as I talk about it, people are going to get it. But here are the steps. Here are three major categories to what he calls priority dilution. And then he has a couple of solutions, supposedly.
The urgency illusion. So priority dilution stems from our tendency to equate urgency and importance. We talk about this all the time. Urgent is not important. Important is not urgent. We're naturally inclined to react to urgent demands because that's what our lizard brain tells us to do, even if they have little long-term significance. We react to the now because that's how our brains work. These urgent tasks create the illusion of productivity, making us feel busy even though we're not making meaningful progress. So here we are planning in the long-term, but we're so diluted by the urgency illusion that we're doing the urgent stuff now that has no impact on Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Year's or whatever. We're just doing the stuff that shows up and screams loudest.
This leads to the reactivity trap. So priority dilution traps us in a cycle of reactivity. Instead of proactively choosing which tasks we want to focus on that we get to own and have agency over, we become simply reactive, constantly responding to incoming requests and incoming demands. And again, anyone who steps up to the mic. And that leaves us with no margin. No time for important, but less urgent tasks or activities or things that really fall into the actual plan that we're putting into place for our medium to long-term planning.
And finally, the significance drain. Here we go. By constantly shifting our focus to new and urgent tasks, even though they might not be relevant, we dilute the significance of our original priorities. They become less meaningful. So the stuff that truly matters is pushed aside, it loses momentum. Our long-term plan sort of deflates in importance and like limit theory in mathematics, the closer you get to it, the further from it, you really are. You're not going to ever reach your goal because you keep being overwhelmed by urgent things that are yelling at you.
Nikki Kinzer:
I think that's a day in the life of an ADHD-er.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much.
Nikki Kinzer:
So true. All of those things.
Pete Wright:
So Vaden, he has his language. He says that he's got this thing he calls the focus funnel, and it is for him a key to combat priority dilution. You're systematically filtering tasks through this model. Eliminate, automate, delegate, procrastinate on purpose. Those are the big steps. Eliminate, automate, delegate, procrastinate on purpose.
When we protect those priorities from being diluted, they get to maintain their importance and their significance in our long-term plan. And then he says essentially, don't be afraid to disappoint people. The importance of saying no is a crucial element in getting yourself out of the dilution process. So if you look at the, I mean these are new words to describe some things that we talk about quite often. And yet I find sort of the mental model, a neat way to describe the challenges that I face with ADHD. The most important thing for me right here in this new model is the significance drain. And I don't think I've ever thought about it quite this way. When I'm distracted by urgent, not important, the important become less meaningful. That's a big kind of awakening for me.
Nikki Kinzer:
So when I hear that, when I first heard that explanation from you just now, I was thinking the notification that comes up in email. And so here I am working on something and then I see the notification in email, I check email and now this becomes more important than what I was working on. Is that what you're saying here?
Pete Wright:
Sure, absolutely. Any of these kinds of grenades that get thrown into your inbox, whether it's a text message or an email or whatever, that is the urgency illusion. It becomes the next thing you have to do right now. And this is , you remember I could get pretty fired up about the power offset in email that says, I can spend five seconds writing an email that will take you two hours to address because it's easy for me to say, "Hey, can you do this thing for me?" This thing that is going to take a considerable amount of your intellectual power. So that's the urgency illusion by saying, "Oh my God, here's a new thing that's just entered my orbit. I have to do it right now no matter what." Our brains are tricking us. They're not that urgent. That's not real.
Nikki Kinzer:
So repeat the focus funnel again. It's eliminate, delete.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, eliminate, automate, delegate, procrastinate on purpose. I just want to say about procrastinate on purpose. This is as close to Kourosh Dini's visit concept as I've seen. It's this idea of being intentional about saying, "Here's a thing that I know I have to do that might be important but not urgent, and I'm not able to make headway on it. Put it aside." Be intentional about opening it up and looking at it and then saying, "Okay, I'm going to procrastinate on this right now. I got to let it stew." It's not saying "I know it's out there and I'm going to ignore it, I'm ostriching it right now."
It's getting all your materials out and making an effort and knowing when to say uncle right now. It's knowing when to say uncle. And so I think that's an interesting sort of concept that it keeps coming around that we hear this message from multiple different people about how to counter intuitively achieve goals and do work by not doing work in the immediacy.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. Well, and in our membership program, one of the things that I'm trying to get people to be comfortable with, and this is what you're saying, is that it's okay to have a review date on something. It doesn't have to be a due date. It's a review date. It comes into you and you're reviewing it. And if it's not the right time or you don't have the space to do it, it's okay to move it forward. And I think we get so stuck with that because we feel like we should do it right now, because we haven't been doing it and we get stuck in that spiral. But really getting comfortable with, like you are saying, you're procrastinating on purpose. It's okay. And it's not a procrastination in a bad way. You just don't have time to do it right now,
Pete Wright:
Or you don't have the connection to the creativity that you need to do it right now, or you don't have all the answers that are coming to you. Something is blocking. But as long as you're making an intentional effort to sit down and look at it and touch it as Kourosh Dini says, then you are actually, you are moving it forward. You're moving it forward with intention. This is one of the things I miss. So, so much about OmniFocus. Can I nerd out just briefly.
We've moved on to so many different tools. I don't even know how many tools since OmniFocus. And we don't use OmniFocus because OmniFocus does not allow you to work collaboratively with other people. You can't share projects. It's just an individual thing. But OmniFocus was amazing for this very reason because it was so built around the GTD mentality methodology. There was a review cycle built into it. So there was a third date that said, "This thing is due on this date. It needs to be started on this date, and it needs to be reviewed at some interval leading up to those things."
So I can say, "I want you to show me, just by default, every task that doesn't have a date, I want you to just give me a new view that's the review view where I can just look at it and touch those things and say, yep, that's still on my list." And then you click, this has been reviewed and it kicks it to the next week, the next time you need to touch it. That was extraordinarily useful. And I haven't found any tool that actually accomplishes the review cycle the way OmniFocus did. And it's a huge miss, massive opportunity for these other tools like Todoist and all of these to actually give us a review cycle the way OmniFocus did is extraordinary.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah, we're going to have to figure out a workaround. I just wrote a note about label tag, something that would be a review to get these things back in front of you.
Pete Wright:
And GTD talked about it a bunch. It's not great for ADHD. It's overall not designed for you. There are some things in it that are extraordinary. And for me, the review cycle prevented me from losing projects.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. Yeah. You're always able to take a temperature of them.
Pete Wright:
Absolutely. It's a complaint I hear from everyone about their digital to-do systems. I'm afraid to put new projects in there because when I put too many in, I lose the stuff. That is really important. I get it. I get it. We have to figure out how to manage that.
Nikki Kinzer:
How to get it in front of you. Yeah, that's great. This is great, Pete. Thank you.
Pete Wright:
Well, that's useful.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
Honestly, I'm going to withhold a full-throated recommendation of the book Procrastinate on Purpose because I haven't finished it yet. It just so happened I was reading it and got to this part and thought, "Wow, that is super appropriate for today."
Nikki Kinzer:
Well, it definitely resonates, that's for sure, that's for sure. I want to leave just a couple of tips for people going back to the holiday stuff about getting things done, GTD in our own way. That's not necessarily from somebody else.
Pete Wright:
Non-trademarked.
Nikki Kinzer:
Non-trademarked. But especially when it comes to the holidays, delegate, that was one of the things that we talked about with the procrastination stuff too. But delegating, you don't have to do everything on your own. So really think about what can you give to other people? How can you make things easier for you? And don't be afraid to ask for help. And also don't be afraid to set those boundaries and say no. If you got too much on your plate, too many things on the calendar, we've got to remember our boundaries.
Pete Wright:
That's a huge trick. I feel like we need to amplify that because I can hear people saying, what about I'm not married, I live by myself with my cat and my dog, and I'm very happy and I know I have these tasks to get done, but I don't have anyone to delegate them to. And I just have to say, is it worth doing? If you are overwhelmed and you can't delegate a task, is it a task that's worth doing? And that becomes a really important question because if is the answer is yes, then you have to do it and something else is going to have to give. The opportunity cost of prioritization.
Nikki Kinzer:
And going back to that too, is how do you make things easier? So maybe you're saying you're going to bring a dessert to some place. You don't have to make the dessert. You can buy something that's already been baked or whatever. So trying to make things easier for you too, and setting those boundaries.
Pete Wright:
I would recommend a hearty tiramisu. Never go wrong with a tiramisu.
Nikki Kinzer:
You cannot, cannot go wrong.
Pete Wright:
You heard it here.
Nikki Kinzer:
A couple other things, accountability and body double sessions are really fun to do during the holidays. I love going shopping with my friends and my family during the holidays. It gives you that focus of, here I have a list, we're determined, but you also make it more fun because you're doing it with somebody else. And body doubling sessions, especially if you have gifts that you need to wrap or things like that, you can make it more fun. That's engaging it, engaging your ADHD brain. I always watch a Christmas movie when I'm doing some gift wrapping. Just things like that to make it kind of more fun for you can make a big difference.
And then I just want to go back to visiting the task. We're going to keep talking about this on and on and on because it's so important to keep these things in front of you and all of the progress you make matters because it will make you feel better about what's coming up, make you feel more in control, not so last minute. And it gives yourself a chance to pace yourself because Not everything has to be done at once. So yeah, those are a few things to think about on getting some of this stuff done.
Pete Wright:
I love it. All right, that's it. We've done the holiday episode.
Nikki Kinzer:
We did it.
Pete Wright:
Now we're just going to go back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
Whatever that is. Hey, everybody listening out there, thanks for hanging out and for listening to the show. We appreciate you. A public service announcement. I hate this kind of stuff. I really do. I'm not this kind of person, but I just have to say if you've listened this far and if you are an honored purchaser of Unapologetically ADHD, our book, we're very happy with this book.
And it would be really great if you would take the book after you have read it and write a review. That helps us so much. I know, I don't have anything else to give you. I wish I could, but my undying gratitude is going to have to serve. A kind review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble, anywhere reviews are accepted really helps us go a long way. So thank you in advance. We appreciate it.
And we appreciate you for downloading and listening to this very podcast. If you have something to share, we'd love you to head over to Discord, jump into the show talk channel chat along with us. You can get in there by becoming a supporting member at the deluxe level or better. On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, I'm Pete Wright, and we'll be back next week right here on Taking Control, the ADHD podcast.
