Someone says something that stings. Maybe you freeze and say, “It’s fine.” Or maybe the words come out fast and wrong, and you spend the next week replaying them.
Either way, the perfect response usually shows up later, in the car or the shower or at 2 am.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. On the podcast (Saying the Hard Things in Real Time), Pete and I talked about ADHD and difficult conversations, and why saying the hard thing in real time can feel so out of reach.
Why are difficult conversations harder with ADHD?
Much of it comes down to emotional regulation. Research suggests emotional dysregulation shows up in somewhere between 30 and 70 percent of adults with ADHD. It’s a documented part of the condition, not a character flaw.
Timing plays a part too. We often assume ADHD means slower reaction times, but a large 2013 review found reaction time in ADHD is more variable. Sometimes it’s slow, and sometimes it’s lightning fast. So in a stressful moment, the words might be right there, or they might not be there at all.
A 2023 study added another piece. When researchers checked in with young adults several times a day, moment-to-moment swings in inhibitory control (your brain’s brakes) predicted emotional dysregulation. When the brakes are working, you can pause. When they aren’t, you might blurt, or shut down completely.
Are you a blurter or a freezer?
Most of us lean one way.
The blurt: You say something fast, it comes out wrong, and you carry the regret for days.
The freeze: You go quiet, say “whatever you think,” and write the real speech in your head afterward.
There’s another layer, too. The pace of a hard conversation is usually set by the fastest processor in the room. A pause can look like you don’t care or aren’t listening, when really you’re still catching up.
How do I say the hard thing when I’m flooded?
Start with your body. Before you can name what you need, it helps to notice the signals: a tight chest, a racing heart, a flushed face, a nauseous stomach.
Then find words that feel like yours. “Flooded” might fit you perfectly, or “overwhelmed” might feel more natural. What matters is having a phrase ready that tells the other person you need space.
Pete calls these slow sentences. A few examples:
“That landed hard. I need a minute before I answer.”
“I have something to say about this, and it isn’t ready yet.”
“I don’t agree. I’ll tell you why as soon as I can.”
The key is to memorize them ahead of time, so you don’t have to come up with them when your brain is already overloaded.
Taking a break without walking out
Relationship researcher John Gottman makes an important distinction. A break without a plan to return can feel like walking away. A break with a promise to return feels different.
So when you step away, say when you’ll come back. “I’m not leaving the conversation. I need ten minutes, and then I’ll be back.” That works with a partner, a coworker, or a family member across the holiday table.
A simple way to build the sentence
Once you’ve had time to process, the DEAR framework from dialectical behavior therapy (part of Marsha Linehan’s DEAR MAN skill) can help you put your thoughts together:
Describe what happened: “You made the plan without me.”
Express how it felt: “I felt invisible.”
Assert what you need: “I want to be asked next time.”
Reinforce why it matters: “I’ll say yes a lot more often when I’m included.”
You don’t have to remember every letter. Even “This is what happened, and this is how I felt” is a strong start.
Practice in low-stakes moments
These are skills, and skills grow with reps. This week, you might try:
Naming your feeling out loud in a small disagreement
Taking a break and saying when you’ll be back
Writing out one DEAR sentence for a conversation you’ve been putting off
A few questions to sit with
Am I more likely to blurt or freeze?
What does my body do right before I shut down or speak too fast?
Which slow sentence feels most like something I’d actually say?
There’s no perfect script. Start with one sentence that feels like you, and let the rest build from there.
👉 [Download Slow Sentences, our free companion guide]
Thank you for your time and attention.
