Speak Up
Have you ever felt like you couldn’t say something for fear of what the other person would think?
I’m sure most of us can agree we’ve felt that way before.
However, it seems like ADHDers may feel this more intensely and more often. I would imagine this is a byproduct of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).
What is RSD?
If you’re unfamiliar with the term, that’s not surprising; it hasn’t been around as concept for very long.
One of the most knowledgable people on the subject of RSD, friend of The ADHD Podcast, Dr. William Dodson, explains it this way:
Rejection sensitive dysphoria is one manifestation of emotional dysregulation, a common but misunderstood and under-researched symptom of ADHD in adults. Individuals with RSD feel “unbearable” pain as a result of perceived or actual rejection, teasing, or criticism that is not alleviated with cognitive or dialectical behavior therapy.
What’s the point?
Now that we know a little more about RSD, it makes sense that an ADHDer would feel real fear at saying something to someone, afraid that even the slightest misstep could cause total rejection from the other party.
While a rational mind can agree that most conversations don’t result in the catastrophic, it can be a whole different story to get your mind to come to the same conclusion.
So, should we all succumb to the all-or-nothing limiting beliefs we’re being fed and never say anything? Absolutely not!
While it’s hard to overcome the fear of rejection, it’s not impossible. It’s important to say what is on your mind and share how you feel, regardless of whether or not it might upset someone else. How you feel and what you think matters and deserves to be heard!
Of course I can’t just leave you with that—here are a few techniques you can try to help bolster your courage and overcome the fear of rejection when talking to others:
Practice
Blurting out your thoughts cold turkey can be terrifying. Instead, practice what you want to say with someone you know and trust. This allows you to collect your thoughts and put them together the way you want. This is also a great way to get reassuring feedback about what you want to say.
Mindfulness
The act of practicing mindfulness allows you to train your brain to notice and acknowledge a thought or emotion—without judgment—and then allow it to pass by you, like a leaf floating down a river. You recognize your fear of rejection, but you don’t allow it to consume you. This is a hard task to master, but it’s worth putting in the time to learn it.
Write it down
Sometimes the biggest aspect of our fear is having to experience the perceived “rejection” in real time as you talk to someone face-to-face. If you find an in person conversation to be overwhelming, instead of giving up, find a work around. Write or type a letter or email with whatever you intend to share with the other person. It’s lot less scary talking to a computer screen than a face.
The bottom line is RSD sucks. It can be hard to live with, but it’s not impossible to move beyond it. The important thing is to not let it keep you from speaking up for yourself, no matter what catastrophe you may imagine will be the outcome. You deserve to be heard!
Want to learn more about RSD? Check out this episode of The ADHD Podcast from the archives where we interview Dr. William Dodson.
Thank you for your time and attention,
-Nikki
