What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do
You live with ADHD, so you know what it feels like to be stuck. But what happens when you tell an ADHD coach what you're going through? You get a whole new way to think about moving forward!
It all starts with that feeling of shame and embarrassment that comes under the weight of the tasks you feel you have not completed. That’s how this particular episode started, in fact, a set of conversations Nikki has had recently with clients feeling this same thing.
To get to the other side of it, we journey through that shame, the language of limiting beliefs, and come out the other side with a change to how we tell the stories of ourselves.
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Pete Wright:
Hello everybody. And welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast on TruStory FM. I'm Pete Wright and right over there, Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer:
Hello everyone. Hello, Pete Wright.
Pete Wright:
Hi, Nikki.
Nikki Kinzer:
How are you?
Pete Wright:
I'm good. We're sneaking around on people.
Nikki Kinzer:
I know we did this recording earlier than we normally do, and we did it really behind the scenes.
Pete Wright:
Really behind the scenes. We have no [inaudible 00:00:35]. It feels like episode one. There's nobody listening. There's nobody watching, stakes are very low. It's fine. We're going to be fine.
Nikki Kinzer:
We're going to be good.
Pete Wright:
We're going to be fine. I'm excited about this topic today. You were inspired and you just spit out an outline of things to talk about that just so resonate with me today.
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh good.
Pete Wright:
I'm very excited about this topic, what to do when you don't know what to do. So many implications to that around our time and our emotions and our choices. So we're going to be talking all about that before we do that head over to TakeControladhd.com. Get to know us a little bit better. You can listen to the show right there on the website or subscribe to the mailing list and we'll send you an email each time a new episode is released. You can connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest at Take Control ADHD. But to really connect with us, head over to the ADHD Discord community, super easy to jump into the general community chat channel. Just visit takecontroladhd.com/discord and you'll be whisked over to our invitation page where you can log in.
If you're looking for more, if this show is ever touched you and you want to make good on that head over to our Patreon page. Patreon is listener supported podcasting. With just a few dollars a month, you can help guarantee that we continue to grow this show and get access to all kinds of member only benefits. Like normally you could hang out with us and join us for the live stream of this podcast. You'd get early and longer episodes just for members. You get access to Pete's Placeholder podcast, which is available only to members. You can't find that in the public podcast directories. All you have to do to learn more is head over to patreon.com/theADHDpodcast. We'd love to have you there. All right, Nikki, let's do this.
The topic is what to do when you don't know what to do. How were you inspired for this topic today?
Nikki Kinzer:
Well, yeah, I was inspired by a couple conversations I had with clients this week. And even though what I'm going to talk about really was inspired by these particular conversations. This is something that comes up all the time. So it's a very common thing when somebody comes to the call and they're overwhelmed and frustrated and they're stuck, but they don't know what to do. And even asking the question of what do you need to do? I don't know. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm talking to you. So it can be really frustrating, but there is a particular scenario that I want to talk about that happened. And I'm hoping that that listeners will relate and resonate with this. A client came to their call feeling really ashamed and embarrassed that they didn't complete the tasks that they had set out to do that week. So the week prior, we set out some focus tasks that they wanted to focus on.
And when they came back to talk about the update, they were really very hard on themselves. Which happens a lot where they take the shame and the blame for everything, and they feel bad. And as they were updating me on the week, I could hear things in the conversation that were giving me clues. Now, as a coach, that's what I'm listening for. As a friend to a friend, you may not be listening to these things as a friend, you may not notice them. But as part of my job, that is what I'm listening to is what could possibly be happening here that maybe this client isn't seeing. And there were a few times where they talked about being distracted, some time blindness issues came about. Like I started late and then it just really felt like I was behind and tasks were taking longer than they expected.
And so all I look at these clues and these things as opportunities, right? Because I think, okay, well, if this person was distracted, I want to know what distract them.
Pete Wright:
Sure.
Nikki Kinzer:
And I want to know, is that something that we can learn from and possibly avoid next time but I want to have more understanding of what's going on. But as they were talking about their update, they switched from kind of the ADHD symptoms that you would expect to hear about why something didn't get done to the emotions that they were feeling. And this person was very disappointed in themselves, frustrated, angry, and really hurt that they couldn't get this done. And now we're not just talking about last week, we're talking about how they feel all the time.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. This is identity stuff here.
Nikki Kinzer:
This is life experience. Here's one more time where I have failed and I'm disappointed. And I also noticed that the client was having a really hard time getting into any kind of forward thinking. Because the conversation always stayed in the past. We never were talking about the present and we were just stuck with all of these other feelings and things that she was feeling. And so I asked, and this is the real question that I asked, what do you need to do to move forward? And her real answer was, I don't know.
Pete Wright:
Well, that's a good enough answer.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. They really didn't know.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. That's legit.
Nikki Kinzer:
I don't know. And also made a comment feeling like I've tried everything, I don't know what else I can do. I really just don't know. And so the client, without knowing this is safer to stay in that I don't know what to do and avoid because that is what the client is used to doing. That's what our natural tendency is to this is hard. I need to shrivel away and forget it's happening. Even though, I know it's going to make me feel bad. My job is to keep asking more questions and not stay in that current mindset. Right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
So we have a couple things going on here. One is being stuck in the limiting beliefs, the old stories that you're telling yourself about your past. They can be true and they may not be true, right? I'm not questioning if they're true or not. And just to remind people what limiting beliefs are, it's that internal conversation that we're having with ourselves about what we think we can or cannot do. And they're there to protect us. They're there to help us not get hurt again.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Protecting us, sure.
Nikki Kinzer:
They're protecting us. So instead of trying again, I'm just going to tell you that, well, don't try because this is what's going to happen and I don't want you to feel hurt again. But they're actually doing the opposite because they're not helping us. They're making us, they're really keeping us stuck and making us feel worse. And they're telling us to believe that we don't know what to do. When I believe as the coach, she knew what to do. She just needed to get out of the mindset of not being able to believe that she could do what she needed to do. Does that make sense?
Pete Wright:
It does. It does. Can we just do it just a little sideline on what the implications are of living in this space, the space of uncertainty? What does that do to your interactions with other people or other people who have dependencies and are counting on you? Like how do your relationships get impacted? I'm thinking about people who may not know if they're in this cycle because they're too close to it. How does that manifest?
Nikki Kinzer:
Well, it depends, I suppose, on what the relationship is. I think it depends on the context. If we're talking about you're avoiding something and you haven't gotten something done for your work, that's going to be a different impact than if you didn't do something for your partner.
Pete Wright:
Of course, yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
That's going to have a different impact. But I think that the beliefs are keeping you stuck because you're not able to look at any of the other ways to help yourself and to help that relationship. Because it definitely impacts how you are reacting because think about even just a relationship. If you have somehow disappointed your partner in some way, you're going to want to avoid that. So now you're closing yourself off for many kind of communication, because you feel bad. When really maybe they now think you're mad at them. So there's a lot of miscommunication things that can happen that would get in the way.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
And our self-esteem.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Well, we did this episode online in ADHD sometime back, and this feels very much like a precursor conversation, like a prequel to that. Like you put yourself in a position where you're uncomfortably uncertain all the time, it might lead you to just like your instinct might step in. And again, as a protective measure, you might start saying things that aren't accurate. Even if they're true, they might not be accurate, right? Like, oh, I will definitely get that done next week when you're not going to get that done next week, because you don't know what to do.
Nikki Kinzer:
You're lying to yourself.
Pete Wright:
Lying to yourself, eventually you start lying to others. Anyway, I think that's an interesting thing to just note, to note about yourself as you start doing some of the things that Nikki's about to talk about.
Nikki Kinzer:
Well, so when I was having this conversation and I noticed that yet again, we weren't going into anything in the future. I pointed this out because I think it was important that the client understood what I was observing. Because I think that a lot of times, especially when you're not talking to somebody about this, you don't even know what you're doing. You're just living your life, the way that you'd normally live your life and you're not questioning it. And so what I want from this show in particular is I want people to walk away, challenging those beliefs and being able to say, okay, I see that you're there, but I don't need you right now. And I really need to believe something different because I don't want to stay where I'm at. And that's what I want people to really walk away with is notice when you're feeling stuck. Notice when you use the words, I don't know what to do, or I can't do this.
I want you to really be aware of that. Commit to not stay stuck, challenge those beliefs and commit to doing something different or believing something different. You may not even have to do anything different. Just believe it in your head that you can do this and you can get it done or whatever it might be. So the second thing that I would want you to do is when you notice that you're stuck, you're ready to commit that you want to get out of it. Also, take some time to really reflect on what's going on here and be curious about what your distractions are. Be curious about these ADHD symptoms that are coming up around time blindness, and what's getting in your way. And being curious is opening up the mindset of opportunity where judgment just opens up the mindset to sit still. So we want to be curious, not judgmental. And then I would ask yourself, what do you know?What do I know? Well, if you're listening to this podcast right now, you've done research on ADHD strategies, right? You're doing research, you're learning about your ADHD.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, this is one of them.
Nikki Kinzer:
This is it, right? So I am going to bet that a lot more than what you think you know. And so to break this down for people, I would say, choose one roadblock and maybe it's distractions. And just focus on that for a moment. What do you know about eliminating distractions? What do you know about focus? What have you learned? What is a strategy that you have tried before, or that's really resonated with you and I want you to practice it with just that one symptom, what that one roadblock.
And if you feel like you've tried everything and things still don't work, that's a limiting belief. I want you to stop yourself, challenge yourself, ask yourself why you think it doesn't work, what do you mean by you've tried everything? Are you willing to give up? Of course not. You're not willing to give up. You can be listening to the show if you wanted to just give up. So you try again, and this time you do it with a different mindset. So the bottom line is really to keep asking yourself questions until you find the answers and have a place to start. And this is how you get away from, I don't know.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. You know what? As you were talking, it hit me that for me, I've tried everything is, it's one, it's a limiting belief. I know that about myself. It's also the language of exhaustion. Do you know what I mean?
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
I'm just another way of me saying, I'm exhausted, I'm done because I feel like this thing has beaten me. I feel like this challenge was insurmountable and therefore in my head cannon, I've tried everything. Which is probably not true and it's okay to be exhausted. But that doesn't take away the effects of reality on the way I feel about the thing that I have to do. And generally, if there's a stakeholder, I have to find a way over it or put it away and try it again some other time. It's okay to be fluid.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. Take a break from it or walk away for a day or ask, is there another way to deal with this? That maybe you're not the one involved in it. I mean, the thing is that I think I understand what you're saying that exhaustion of, I just have to keep trying. We all have to keep trying as humans. Life is exhausting. And with ADHD times two, times three, times four, times five. Absolutely, you have every right to be mad.
But don't let that anger get in the way of you doing what you want to do and achieving your dreams and your accomplishments. And it doesn't have to keep you stuck. And that's what I see and I think, again, that's why I want people to just dig into the questions. When you hear yourself feeling this exhaustion or feeling like I don't know what to do believe that you do, believe that you do know what to do and keep finding those answers. Because we, Pete and I have seen these successes. We've seen them in the community. I see them with my clients every day. There are other ways to do things, you don't always have to feel bad.
Pete Wright:
Well, and to that point exactly. How gratifying is it when people post in our community? Whether in the public chat room or in one of the Patreon channel chat rooms that they post, that they've solved this thing that they've been talking to us about for years, that they've just resolved. It's okay if solving this problem takes time. If it's a problem that you're not giving up on in some way, shape or form. And that's a real gift. And I think it's worth using that celebration as momentum to conquer something new, conquer something else.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely. Well, and before we did this recording with sharing my ideas about what I wanted this show to look like with a client of mine. And he gave me two really good ideas that I have to pass along that I thought were great. The first one was, he says, when he doesn't know what to do, he does one of two things. So he kind of has these two backups. One is he focuses on breaking the project down and then planning on how and when it's going to get done. So he's just focusing on the planning. He's not looking at the actual steps. And then in fact, he's the same inspiration of our podcast that we did on the football analogy.
Pete Wright:
Sure, Sure. Block and tackling and tackling and blocking.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. Yes. And that's where he's coming from is that I know I'm avoiding this so the first thing I'm going to do is break it down and just plan. And then he said, the other thing that I'll do is I'll just do something. Just to break the stillness of the non-movement into some kind of movement. So he'll do something small just if it's moving it forward. So I loved that, focus on the planning and also just do something. The second thing that he said that I thought was really fascinating. I've never actually heard of it in this way.
What he does is he has a journal and almost every day he has some kind of question that he answers in that journal. So he'll write it down. So he'll say, what do I need to do today to move forward on whatever? What is the impact on this task? What do I want to work on during the body double sessions? And he might do a bullet point of things. And he said, why this works so well for him is that he's not just keeping it in his head. He actually is visually writing the question down. And he says, it's almost like my myself coaching. I'm almost asking what would Nikki ask me in this moment?
Pete Wright:
Perfect.
Nikki Kinzer:
And then he's putting that question down and then he's answering it. And he's like that the activity of thinking it and then writing it and then seeing it, really helps him figure out what to do next. And he's not just living in his head. I thought that was a great idea.
Pete Wright:
To just cement it, to cement it in the world. Like it's a real thing.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
Give it matter.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
I love it.
Nikki Kinzer:
And the thing that I've done, that's somewhat similar to this is sometimes I'll tell people to put on a sticky note, what am I doing right now and is it the right thing? Sometimes I'll have them do that just as a reminder to get back on task if they need to. But I never really thought about doing this on a daily basis. And I just thought, especially when you're stuck, this is a great thing to do.
Pete Wright:
I love it.
Nikki Kinzer:
So that's what I have today. My hope is that the people that are listening to this at the next time, they hear something in their head about not knowing what to do or just feeling really bad about being stuck. That they can see this as a red flag, they can challenge themselves to figure out what they do know and how to keep moving yourself forward.
Pete Wright:
I can think of no better way to end it than that. Thank you, Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer:
You are so welcome.
Pete Wright:
Fount of inspiration. I appreciate that. Thank you everybody. We appreciate you for downloading and listening to this show. Don't forget, if you have something to contribute, you can head over to the show talk channel in the Discord community and you can hang out with us there. All you have to do is become a supporting patron at the deluxe level or better. Thank you everybody for your time and your attention. On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, I'm Pete Wright, and we'll see you back here next week on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast.
