Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable
This week on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast, Pete and Nikki explore what it means to be uncomfortable and why that's not always a bad thing.
The inspiration for this topic came from Melissa reflecting on a step in the GPS process where members review past experiences with strategies and tools from the previous week. She wondered whether it was the tool/strategy that wasn't working or if it just felt uncomfortable because it was new. Melissa asked if we're giving up too quickly on new things by saying they don't work for us when maybe we haven't given them enough time.
So, what does it mean to be uncomfortable or outside your comfort zone? Dictionary definitions describe it as feeling unease, awkwardness, distress or lack of confidence. Many ADHDers regularly feel this way, and these are feelings we try to eliminate with new strategies. So why stick with a new system if it brings up the same negative emotions?
There’s a bit of a sidetrack around systems with acronyms that can distract from the real effort, all while increasing discomfort, which poses the question: is discomfort important?
The bottom line? Don't let initial discomfort lead you to quit on a new strategy too soon. Stick with it, and you might find great benefits once you move past the unease of the unfamiliar. Discomfort doesn't have to last forever.
Links & Notes
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Pete Wright:
Hello, everybody, and welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast on TruStory FM. I'm Pete Wright, and I'm here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer:
Hello, everyone. Hello, Pete Wright.
Pete Wright:
I just have to say, for those who are listening to the audio version of this show, we don't release a video version of this show, but you are really missing out because starting today, our member live stream is showing off Nikki Kinzer with better lighting.
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, God.
Pete Wright:
Radiant.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
Radiant, Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer:
It's like I have a, what is it? Halo?
Pete Wright:
It is like a halo.
Nikki Kinzer:
A halo of light.
Pete Wright:
You can see sparkles when you smile, there's a little bling on your teeth just right. So yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
After 13 years, I got some-
Pete Wright:
13 years.
Nikki Kinzer:
I got some good lighting.
Pete Wright:
Now the lighting. I am really excited-
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, gosh.
Pete Wright:
... about today's show for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's a topic that I can really relate to, and I think it's the struggle of... we're talking through some of the issues that root in the struggle for change. But the other reason I think it's such an important issue is that the call is coming from inside the house. This was an issue that our very own Melissa ran into. Melissa advocated for it and put it in her notes as something we should talk about one day, and then today became the day. Our great thanks to Discord mom for bringing this subject to our attention and giving us the background to have a conversation about it, because I think it's really important, and it's probably something I wager we don't think enough about. Agreed?
Nikki Kinzer:
[inaudible 00:01:52]
Pete Wright:
Do you agree? Do you feel strongly about that?
Nikki Kinzer:
I totally agree.
Pete Wright:
Do you feel strongly as I do about that?
Nikki Kinzer:
I'm a little uncomfortable.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
I'm a little uncomfortable with how strongly you feel about this, but that's okay.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Nikki Kinzer:
We can move on from that.
Pete Wright:
Let's just say we might have some more writing to do, you and me. Okay.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
Here we go. Before we dig into our principal topic today, before we answer the call coming from inside the house, head over to Take Control ADHD and get to know us a little bit better. You can listen to the show right there on the website or subscribe to the mailing list on the homepage, and we'll send you an email each time a new episode is released. Connect with us on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest at Take Control ADHD, and jump into the Discord server. Please, please, please. That's where all the cool kids hang out. If you succumb to peer pressure like I do, you'll want to hang out with the cool kids in Discord. Just head over to takecontroladhd.com/discord and you can jump into our public channels. The invitation is open to any and all who are looking to find a community of support with ADHD.
If you want a little bit more, and if you want to directly support this podcast, we do a lot of stuff, but if you like the podcast and you want to support what we're doing together on the podcast, head over to patreon.com/theadhdpodcast and sign up there. You'll get access to a whole ton of new channels depending on the level that you sign up for on Patreon, new channels in Discord, and that will illuminate so many of the other conversations that people are having in our community. You will also be directly supporting the work and the time and the attention that this group of us behind the scenes put into this show. So for all of you who are already supporting members, already patrons, thank you so much. You're probably already hanging out in the livestream with us because that's a perk that you get as a patron, but if you're considering it, again, patreon.com/theadhdpodcast to learn more. Thank you so, so, so much. All right, Nikki, here's the deal.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
We're talking about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Now, why does my-
Nikki Kinzer:
Is it even possible?
Pete Wright:
Why does my enthusiasm make you uncomfortable?
Nikki Kinzer:
I was just being funny-
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Nikki Kinzer:
... because the whole topic is about being uncomfortable, so I was just pretending like I was uncomfortable, but I'm really not uncomfortable because I get it. I understand what's happening, and it is uncomfortable to be uncomfortable.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right? I don't know, is it possible to be comfortable with that, but there's got to be a way around it somehow, or we're always going to be the same.
Pete Wright:
Well, let's talk about the background because, again, as I said in the beginning, this was inspired by Melissa who brought this to the show. Were you there when Melissa-
Nikki Kinzer:
No-
Pete Wright:
... approached this reflection?
Nikki Kinzer:
... I was not there.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Nikki Kinzer:
No. She monitors one of the GPS sessions, so this is on her own as she was doing her own reflection and came about... so part of GPS, the very first part that we do is a reflection. We just spend a couple of minutes thinking about how did last week go? Was there something you tried, and how did it go? Did it work? Did it not work? It's just some time for you to have space to think about these things and not just assume that something's not working because we really didn't think it through, right?
Pete Wright:
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer:
That's really what all of this is about, is when you're evaluating if something's working, is it the tool or strategy that isn't working or is it something different because we feel uncomfortable about it or around it? So maybe because if it's something new, we're not good at it yet, right?
Pete Wright:
Yes.
Nikki Kinzer:
So after a week or so, you may feel like, "Oh, well, it just doesn't work 'cause I'm not good at doing it." It's a very quick assumption that-
Pete Wright:
Easy assumption. Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
Easy assumption and we're saying, "Let's put the pause button on that first before you give up on it.
Pete Wright:
Right. I think this is really interesting because it's endemic, it's present in all learning, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright:
I don't just mean sitting down to learn a new tool or a concept or a process that you're trying to put in place. It's all learning. It could be learning to fit in with a new social group. It could be meeting new people. It could be any time your brain is being wired for something new, you're learning and you're having to assess and process that level of discomfort. For me, before being able to talk about it, and again, I've said this before, The Navigation of Moods is such a great book, we'll put it in the show notes again, before being able to talk about it in the space of, "Am I in the mood to learn? Am I provoked to curiosity?" I am reacting emotionally to that discomfort, and that is a function of my RSD survival skills. Right? It's a function-
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
... of my assumption that when I'm uncomfortable it means my brain is getting in the way of myself again. I just don't want to deal with that, so I move on very quickly. It's a function of a lot of things and anxiety that maybe there's this other layer of, "I'm never going to learn to this. I'm never going to be able to adapt to this new thing, so I might as well not try. I'll just move on to something else." That makes me look like a flibbertigibbet, right? I'm just constantly moving from-
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
... thing to thing and not really giving enough credence to the discomfort part.
Nikki Kinzer:
And the learning curve.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
Right. Right. It's the adaptation of that learning curve. So what do you see when you are talking to other people who are struggling with learning, not because they can't learn, but because they haven't given themselves enough credit for working through the symptoms of discomfort?
Nikki Kinzer:
Well, I think one of the biggest things that I see is the emotion. There's so much emotion with ADHD-
Pete Wright:
Yes.
Nikki Kinzer:
... and it drives almost everything. Depending on how you feel about something or how you feel about yourself almost predetermines if something's going to work or not. So I think the first piece is not focusing so much on the strategy or the new thing you're trying, but what's your mindset around it? How do you feel about it? Is it something that you really see value in or is it something that you feel like you should do? We had this conversation yesterday in one of our workshops with GPS. It was such a fascinating conversation because we were talking about goals, and somebody says, "I would rather have a root canal than talk about my goals." Well, why is that? Pete, you said it before I even talked about it when we talked about this, and what did you say?
Pete Wright:
Well, I said, "I've never achieved my goals, so why the hell would I be excited about talking about new ones?"
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. Right. So then the conversation went on to SMART goals and should our goals even be SMART? There was resistance to that too like, "I hate SMART goals, they're stupid. They're not smart, they're stupid." Then somebody chimed in and said, "Yeah, but what about the research? The research says that this is what we need to accomplish." But then that person caught themselves and said, "Wait a minute. There's that other should that I should do this because this is what research says."
Pete Wright:
Yes.
Nikki Kinzer:
So then I wrote down a little thing that says, are SMART goals really ADHD friendly? I don't know. That might be a podcast that we talk about it-
Pete Wright:
That should probably be a pod-
Nikki Kinzer:
... that we do.
Pete Wright:
We should say, we've been talking about SMART goals and the general thing about SMART goals is that it's an acronym. You're not just making goals that are intelligent.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
They're specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time bound. For those who haven't heard of SMART goals, that's what SMART goals are all about.
Nikki Kinzer:
I think the point that we're getting to is that that's the issue, that no matter what it is that we're trying, there's such an emotional baggage that comes with it that it really makes it hard to see success. Plus, I think with ADHD, it's such a black and white thing that if it's not the success that you had in mind, or if it's not this, I don't know, picture of calm and, "All right, everything's okay now," we were talking about accepting of ADHD last night too. It's not like you accept your ADHD and then all of a sudden it's unicorns and rainbows everywhere and everything's great, that's not necessarily what it is. So I don't know, there's a lot of layers there and I think it comes back to emotion. How do you feel about this?
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. If you listen to my opinion on some of these things over the last 13 years, you can see the overall arc of change. I think now that I am older, 13 years older, I think I have stronger and more relaxed opinions about a lot of things. I think SMART goals, as an example, are great for some people, and I think everyone else should just relax. Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes. Yes. Yeah.
Pete Wright:
I think as soon as you assign an acronym to a process, you have done the thing that is going to curse the process. You are going to overthink it because you're going to think every goal-
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, yes.
Pete Wright:
... has to have a word that fits in the acronym, and it doesn't because that's not how it works. So relax. Stop overthinking it.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
This is the new hill I want to die on. I'll see you in 13 years and see how it holds up. What is the atomic minimum for something that you want to do, right? Once you figure that out and the best place that thing is going to remind you to do the thing that you need to do, stop thinking about anything else, right? Because our-
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
... ADHD brains can't... they don't attune themselves very well to that, and it causes the space of discomfort. So I know I'm getting a little bit off the rails with our topic there.
Nikki Kinzer:
No, no, no, I think this is great because this is what happens with time blocking. I always get pushback about how time blocking doesn't work for people.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
They don't do what they say they're going to do. Things take longer. They think that they need to know exactly how long things are going to take. All of these things, these rules get wrapped around time blocking, and so they don't want to do it. But I love what you just said because a measurement of success in time blocking is, did you actually spend some time that week doing what you wanted to do?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
And I think that-
Pete Wright:
That's it.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
It could not be [inaudible 00:13:30] of that.
Nikki Kinzer:
That could be it, right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
Because we are so limited, we're busy, we only get to do so many things in a day, so the question I get a lot in GPS is, "How do I make time, and how do I get to these other things?" Well, first of all, we have to prioritize what is most important because we don't have enough time to do everything. So we got to decide what do we want to do this week that is important, and then let's intentionally plan for that to happen so that you have a plan, you're setting yourself up for success, you're making the time. Otherwise, if you don't do it, your chances are so more on the slim side of it getting done. But that's what I love what you just said is that the success is that you actually made time for something that you didn't think you had time to do.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, that's it.
Nikki Kinzer:
That's it.
Pete Wright:
That's the only thing that matters.
Nikki Kinzer:
That's all.
Pete Wright:
Making that a practice, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright:
All it is just remembering what the atomic minimum is. What is the minimum level of achievement to have said you actually did the thing that you say you're going to do? For me, if I put down work on my calendar and I sit down and work at the time that I said I was going to do that, then I've achieved something. It might not have been the best work. It might not have been the most focused work, but I sat down to do the thing that I said I was going to do when I said I was going to do it, and that's a win.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. Yeah.
Pete Wright:
Anything else, any other more specific attribution of specific elements of the work that I'm doing, like qualifying and quantifying the nature of the work that I'm doing is likely overthinking it, especially if I'm trying to do that before I do the work, right? If I set-
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah, I agree.
Pete Wright:
... the goal for a session to be something wildly outlandish, I'm not very good at that yet, then I haven't-
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
... I haven't settled down.
Nikki Kinzer:
Well, and this is the time to be selfish. What I mean by that is when you go to do something-
Pete Wright:
Can I just say the thought that jumped to my head is it's time to be selfish? We should create selfish goals and write it all out as if it's an acronym, but it's not an acronym, it's just selfish.
Nikki Kinzer:
It's just selfish. Just be selfish.
Pete Wright:
That makes me laugh. ADHD, selfish goals-
Nikki Kinzer:
It is. That's good.
Pete Wright:
... what does that mean? No, it's just selfish.
Nikki Kinzer:
Selfish. Really, what I mean by that is that they're about you, not about anybody else.
Pete Wright:
Yes.
Nikki Kinzer:
So take out any shoulds and comparisons and what you think the expectation should be and make them yours. Make them just about what you feel like you can do and be proud of, and if you want to push yourself a little bit, what is that for you? Make it a selfish thing, not something that you're doing for someone else or something. Like who are they and where are these feelings coming from? It's why these things need to be so customized too.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise, I think that dirty should, oh, God, part of what you just said is part of why I have such trouble with these acronyms is that it's not even, "Do I think I should be time blocking? Do I think I should be..." It's that we're shoulding at that atomic level of a task or of something we want to do and that, I think, is really hard. How can you live up to an acronym? How can you possibly live up to that? If you're trying to live up to it, then you're giving vastly too much credit to an acronym which does not care about you. The acronym doesn't care.
Nikki Kinzer:
The overthinking, I think you hit that really right to a T is that the overthinking then comes.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
Everything has to be a SMART goal. Everything has to have this. What does this mean exactly?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
What if this goal looks different than this goal? Yeah, there's just a lot of things can go wrong.
Pete Wright:
Well, so we got to bring it back into this discomfort conversation because I think it's really important because we've just described the environment that makes me uncomfortable, but not for the reason that I'm adapting to something new, right? This is an-
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
... example of discomfort serving the right purpose, right? For me-
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
... it's serving the right purpose. If I'm feeling uncomfortable because I'm not living up to an acronym or somebody else's system, then that's a discomfort I feel like I need to listen to. I need to be able to have that red flag that says, "I'm uncomfortable because this is no longer serving me," and not that I haven't given it enough time to process and adapt and learn to see if it's not serving me. Does that make sense?
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. This is where limiting beliefs come in. So I think it's also identifying how you're speaking to yourself. So are you using the nevers, the can'ts?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
What are you thinking about this and how are you feeling about it? So I think it's both of those things and being able to identify that, okay, maybe it's not this big huge mountain. Yeah, it's a little hill, but it doesn't have to be maybe as big. I think it's acknowledging how you feel about it, what you think about it, and is it going to help you? Going back to that selfish, time blocking may not be for everyone. I think it's a great strategy. I love it. I don't use it every day. I don't even use it every week, but when I use it, it works, and I really appreciate it. So that's what people have to figure out is if they love Pomodoros and it works, then keep using Pomodoros. So you got to figure out what is working for me when I give it a shot, when I try and get through the learning curve, if it's really beneficial to me, how do I keep getting through the uncomfortableness of that? So I think that's important, and I think we have to be truthful to ourselves.
Pete Wright:
I don't know about that. I don't know about that.
Nikki Kinzer:
This is hard-
Pete Wright:
I think we should just keep lying to ourselves.
Nikki Kinzer:
... 'cause lie to ourselves, and we're really good at it.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
So I know for me personally, I can tell you, "Oh, I don't have time to exercise, Pete." Oh, come on. Of course, I do.
Pete Wright:
Of course, you do.
Nikki Kinzer:
I just haven't made the time to do it-
Pete Wright:
Right.
Nikki Kinzer:
... and I don't want to do it. I don't feel good about those feelings.
Pete Wright:
But see, that's a deceptive should, right? Should is different than can but won't. Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Pete Wright:
What are the triggers that help you understand when you are in discomfort versus learning?
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. Yes. So Melissa, our Discord mom has a perfect example here about shoes, and I think that this is really a good idea. She says, "Give it time. It won't always feel uncomfortable." I think that's very true. The more we practice things, because you have to practice to see how things work for you and how you need to customize them. But with her shoes, she was saying if you tried your shoes on, you're wearing a new pair of shoes, this is very true with sneakers, the first time you wear them, they're uncomfortable.
They're stiff. You're probably doing all these things to twist them around, trying to make them bigger. But the more you wear the shoes, the more comfortable they become. Then after you've had some time to wear them, you get that full benefit of having a comfortable pair of shoes that you can walk around Disneyland in and feel good about it. So I think that that's a really good point, is that remember that in time you do get better and you learn more about yourself. I'm going back to being selfish. You learn more about what works for you, and that's all that really matters.
Pete Wright:
Yes. I think that's the most important part. I love the shoe bit. Shout out to my favorite shoes, my Blundstones, New Zealand, Chelsea Boots. Love them so much. Took a long time to figure out how to wear those, right? Now I've had them for three years, and they're the most comfortable shoes I have.
Nikki Kinzer:
That's great.
Pete Wright:
There you go.
Nikki Kinzer:
I like my slippers.
Pete Wright:
Well, I have slippers too.
Nikki Kinzer:
Okay.
Pete Wright:
They're Geckoman slippers. I got to shout out to Geckoman too. All right.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
I think the discussion about how to get through the discomfort zone, the zone of uncertainty is to continue to ask yourself, you don't have to say it out loud if you don't want to, but to continue to ask yourself, "What are the specific points that are making this not feel like it's working for me?" Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright:
Because so much of our reaction is based in emotion, it is a-
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
... fight to be specific, and-
Nikki Kinzer:
You're so right on with that.
Pete Wright:
Right, it might be a signal.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
The lack of ability to be specific might be a signal that, in fact, you're just adjusting and you'll figure it out, because the things that you are able to mine for specificity might be the things that will change over time. To the shoes, they'll loosen up. They feel too tight, well, they're leather, they'll loosen up. Okay, well, maybe I could give it a little bit more time. But if there's nothing else that feels like it's not just a instant hot take gut reaction, then maybe that's a signal you're responding emotionally and your specifics aren't actually going to tell you anything-
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
... that's serviceable about this. On the other hand, your specifics might be very clear, right? If you ask yourself, "Okay, wait a minute. I am now on a team. I'm working on a project team that is making me uncomfortable because it is a team for which socially our ideologies are so out of whack, they cannot understand my perspective. This is making me uncomfortable because it is uncomfortable with the level of questionable diversity or DEI behavior." That can be a significant reason to have to not work on that project team, right? There are environmental-
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
... concerns that are real and legitimate, and you have to be aware of that. If you are not aware of that, if you're not able to say those things, then you're not able to make change. You will just sit and suffer, and that's taking discomfort. The suffering is not the strategy either. You have to know exactly what it is that you are feeling and practice, practice, practice talking about it to yourself, to your close friends about why it is that you're having those feelings of discomfort because that's the only way you know if it's something you can learn through or if it's something you really substantively have to change.
Nikki Kinzer:
I love that.
Pete Wright:
Okay. That's my take.
Nikki Kinzer:
Great way to end it.
Pete Wright:
Is it? I hope so-
Nikki Kinzer:
I think so.
Pete Wright:
... 'cause I think we're done.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
If it's not a great way to end it, woo.
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, we'll have more to say-
Pete Wright:
Well, because we have a whole-
Nikki Kinzer:
... at some point.
Pete Wright:
... shoe-related episode coming up, which is going to be very exciting. A whole selection of slippers that we're going to bring to the show, it's going to be great. You're not going to believe it. Thanks, everybody, for hanging out this week and talking about this. Again, thank you to Melissa for bringing us both the shoe analogy and the topic that precedes it.
Nikki Kinzer:
That's right.
Pete Wright:
We sure appreciate that. We appreciate all of you for downloading and listening to the show. Thank you for your time and attention. Don't forget if you have something to contribute to the conversation, we are heading over to the show talk channel in our Discord serve. You can join us right there by becoming a supporting member of the deluxe level or better. On behalf of Nikki, I'm Pete Wright, and we'll see you right back here next week on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast.
