Acceptance, Avoidance, and the Tolerations Between Them
We’re revisiting a classic — and for longtime listeners, a foundational topic: the Tolerations List. These are the small, nagging things we put up with every day — the crooked picture, the squeaky door, the wrong clock time — that quietly drain our focus and energy. Pete and Nikki first talked about tolerations all the way back in episode 106, and a decade later, they’re still finding new lessons in this deceptively simple coaching exercise.
In this episode, they explore how tolerations evolve over time and how ADHD brains are especially vulnerable to letting them pile up. Nikki brings fresh perspective from her early coaching school days, where the idea originated as a way to identify and release mental clutter. They dive into how tolerations become invisible over time — from broken stove knobs and unpainted bathrooms to window coverings that never got ordered. Together they unpack the emotional undercurrent of these seemingly minor annoyances: why we live with them, how we rationalize them, and what it means to decide which ones are worth fixing versus simply accepting.
They also revisit one of their most endearing long-running debates: is it a toleration or a project? From broken dishwashers to cluttered garages, they draw the line between avoidance, acceptance, and intentional deferral. And, in true ADHD fashion, they discuss how everything feels urgent — until you realize that not everything is.
By the end, Pete and Nikki offer a practical guide to managing tolerations using the GPS Planning color system: identifying red (urgent), green (important), and blue (non-urgent) tasks, and intentionally tackling the ones that genuinely lighten your cognitive load. You’ll learn how to make the invisible visible, how to reclaim small pockets of energy, and how to let go — compassionately — of the things that no longer deserve your bandwidth.
Links & Notes
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Pete Wright
Hello, everybody, and welcome to Taking Control, the ADHD podcast on TruStory FM. I'm Pete Wright, and I'm here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer
Hello, everyone. Hello, Pete Wright.
Pete Wright
Nikki, what we're doing tolerations again today. We're doing tolerations. Do you realize
Nikki Kinzer
I know it's when when was the last time we talked about this? ten years ago?
Pete Wright
Well, it was the organizing show, right? It was episode 106 was the first time we talked about it. We've done it five times. We've mentioned tolerations, but we've done three specifically on tolerations. And I think the original, the foundational episode was something that most people have never heard.
Nikki Kinzer
Right, yeah.
Pete Wright
Because it was before we we rebranded. So only if you want to hear the original, become a member at patreon. com slash the ADHD podcast. More on that in a bit. but that is that's the the funniest part because I I think this is such an important subject. And it's always we coined this term in our head. We redefined this term in our heads about what was going on in our homes. And it it it lives with me every day.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, yeah.
Pete Wright
Every single day. So yeah, I'm excited about it.
Nikki Kinzer
I hear ya.
Pete Wright
So we're talking about tolerations today. Before we dig in, I said it. I said it. We would love, love, love. what? I'm gonna say it differently. We need, need, need your support this at patreon. com slash the adhd podcast. This show is brought to you thanks to the people who have said, what, this show has meant something to me over the years. It's changed the way I think about my ADHD. It's given me resources and introduced me to experts that I have explored much more broadly by the interviews. And I'm going to support this show directly at patreon. com. com slash the ADHD podcast. Few bucks a month gets you access to the whole whole community in our Discord server, including com the secret secret channels that you don't get on the public server, but it mostly it it gets you access to the people who are living their best with ADHD. And I learn so much from this community every Every single day. So visit there. You can always connect with us on socials, take control ADHD pretty much everywhere. Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Blue Sky, and you can jump into that Discord server for free. TayControlADHD. com slash Discord. that will send you the link to log into the free community. We invite you to join us, dip your toes, see what it's all about right there. And now tolerations. I was surprised when I logged in to our rundown to see just how much you clearly have been thinking about tolerations.
Nikki Kinzer
Well, it was interesting because I I had a this is where the search button really comes in handy, right? When you have a computer.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
I put in tolerations in my search to see what would come up and Apparently, at some point, I did some presentation workshop on tolerations, and so the script came up. And I was able to to take a look at that, but I changed a lot of it too because you can just tell it was a long time ago when I wrote this and my m experience has grown, my insight is deeper.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
I don't know, maybe I'm more wise as I get older. I don't know, but it definitely felt
Pete Wright
Shocked. Shocked.
Nikki Kinzer
I had more to say than I said on the script that I did many, many years ago.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
So I'm glad we're we're revisiting it.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Well, a lot has changed, I I think, in just in terms of of the things that I that I tolerate, but it what I'm surprised is they're still there, right? It's just they're different. They're different. so I what I did just as a as a pre-game is I took all of the old episodes about tolerations and I made transcripts out of them. And then I fed them into AI and I said, just give me your key insights about what we have talked about in the past on tolerations. And, a lot of the stuff we're going to talk about. and it's It it's fine. But one of the things that I I that came out of it was the project versus toleration debate, which apparently is an ongoing thing that you and I have. It says here one of the most enduring and funny through lines, Pete and Nikki's friendly dispute about what counts as a toleration. I the fact that AI picks up on this as a friendly dispute tickles me to no end. So Let's start with what we're talking about here. What is a toleration, and then we can fight about it.
Nikki Kinzer
And then we can fight about it. That's right. Okay, so this is this is interesting because this is one of the things I had to really think about when I was reviewing the old script. What is a toleration? So this just to give people background on where this all came from. When I was in coaching school, back in a lot back in, I don't know, gosh, 2010, I think, I did
Pete Wright
Merely children we were. Merely children.
Nikki Kinzer
I was just a child and I did an online program for coaching and they have you do this exercise where you
Pete Wright
Yes.
Nikki Kinzer
basically write down your tolerations and then the goal is to get rid of five of them and see how that helps with your energy and And the way that they explained it is that tolerations are those little things that we just put up with, that we accept during the day or at any time. So You when you just look at them individually, it doesn't seem they're that big of a deal. But when you start Th when you start to put them on a list, it makes you feel bad. And it can be really overwhelming. And the the issue with ADHD is that It's always in the back of your mind with all of the busyness that you already have and all of the distractions and noise. And then you've got these tolerations you're living with that you don't really even know that you're living with, but they bug you. And so the whole thought is that what if we start to release some of these tolerations and actually work on them? And I think where we were
Pete Wright
I think we're more right either out for why wrong
Nikki Kinzer
trying to figure out who was right, which I don't I think we were both right, actually. I don't think that anyone is wrong in this situation, is what classifies as a as a toleration. And I came up with an example, a new one, a new example.
Pete Wright
I think I would a little way.
Nikki Kinzer
So let's say that you have a broken dishwasher and you haven't called anyone to repair it yet. That is a toleration. You are tolerating this dishwasher. Now you are being broken. Now, because it's broken, you have a sink full of dirty dishes. that you have to clean. And you don't want to clean dirty dishes because it's gross and it's not fun and it's boring and it takes time. That is avoiding the task of doing the dishes. But the toleration is haven't that you that you haven't repaired the dishwasher yet. So until you repaired the dishwasher, you still have to clean the dishes.
Pete Wright
Right.
Nikki Kinzer
And so what I wanted to try to point out is there we avoid tasks all the time because there are things that we don't want to do.
Pete Wright
Yeah, but then you're called another DM I talk about
Nikki Kinzer
But then there's these tolerations that have that go into a deeper level. Another example, I've talked about this recently. My bathroom, both of my bathrooms downstairs in the hallway and in my bathroom in my bedroom. have paint that are paint swatches of of paint that we were going to paint the walls with.
Pete Wright
They still have these things.
Nikki Kinzer
We still have these things after two years, three years.
Pete Wright
Yeah, because we've talked about this. This was in one of the transcripts.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So we have had those for years. That is a toleration. It I see it every single time I go in there and I think, oh wow, I should, we should probably paint this bathroom. I've even had people come and ask me, are you remodeling the bathroom? Are you painting the bathroom? No, no, that's just how we to decorate here at the Kinzer house. that is a toleration because it's not It it doesn't stop me from going and using the bathroom. It's not hurting anyone, but it's that little thing that, gosh, you better do it. it's there. It's there.
Pete Wright
Yeah, yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
And not even you better do it because I could actually live my whole life in this house without doing that.
Pete Wright
Exactly. And I think that's the that's the issue with tolerations.
Nikki Kinzer
And it's fine.
Pete Wright
And and also why I tend not to think of tolerations as something that is related to work deliverables, right? I don't I don't think about tolerations on my work task list, things I have to do for clients.
Nikki Kinzer
No, I really don't either. No.
Pete Wright
These are the things that I live in my house and I have gone, they've they have grown invisible to me because I'm so accustomed to just walking by.
Nikki Kinzer
Pete Wright
This whole thing started years and years ago bec for me because of the broken knob on my oven, on my stove. So I couldn't turn the stove on without pliers. And the toleration was We just got used to using pliers. you do on your old remember your old TV set when the knob broke, you just use pliers to turn the channel.
Nikki Kinzer
Right
Pete Wright
It was that. So silly. And and it I tried I actually in trying to solve the problem, I did a lot of things that were kinda dumb. I ordered that Do you remember the molding clay that was specifically designed to harden into plastic so you could mold your own knob?
Nikki Kinzer
Oh, yeah. huh.
Pete Wright
That was a horrible failure in this process. And it turns out had I just started with ordering replacement knobs for this particular oven model, I could have solved it with Amazon in about 15 minutes.
Nikki Kinzer
Right.
Pete Wright
And so, but instead we actually waited until the entire oven broke and got a new oven. So the toleration solved itself. New knobs came with new oven. This is what we're talking about. The things that you that set up that that just take roost in your peripheral vision and you get you just get numbed to them. They're invisible.
Nikki Kinzer
Well, and we're talking about daylight savings is coming up, right?
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
that is the clock that's in the dining room that it has the same time that it had at the last daylight savings, but why change it? Because it's gonna be accurate in just in four days.
Pete Wright
No. Seriously? Wait, are you telling me you have a clock that is set to to fall time? Right now?
Nikki Kinzer
Not not right now, but I will tell you it was there for a long time before we changed it.
Pete Wright
And the fact that you actually thought for a minute, it it's the same thing as why do I make my bed in the morning when I'm just gonna mess it up at night?
Nikki Kinzer
Right. Yeah, yeah.
Pete Wright
But this is months, months of living an hour off.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Because you just know it's not right. So it's whatever.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Yeah, your brain just reassociates.
Nikki Kinzer
But
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you think I'll get to it or whatever. Because it's not hurting me in any way. Now it might hurt somebody that's visiting and sees the bathroom and then and now actually wants to know what time it is.
Pete Wright
Yeah. That's a challenge. Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
My house is a mess. but yeah, when when
Pete Wright
Oh my god. That one's that one's diabolical. That one really is diabolical.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
Just messes left life for everybody.
Nikki Kinzer
So this is a good reason this is this is a good thing that we talk about this.
Pete Wright
Comes in your house. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
And the sad thing is it's actually My my son has inherited this because I got into his car the other day and his clock is wrong in the car.
Pete Wright
Okay, cars are a special breed because often resetting the clock in cars is impenetrable.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. It's a lot harder to do.
Pete Wright
it's who knows what buttons to push
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
Yeah, the name of the U.
Nikki Kinzer
And it's not a brand new car, so it doesn't do it automatically. And yeah. Yeah, it's all kinds of stuff. But but there are it is interesting. I just want to go back to I agree with the the work tasks I don't think of tolerations because they're Things that we have to do. And I think that that's the that's the key is that there's just stuff we have to do and some of that stuff is gonna get avoided.
Pete Wright
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer
But then it becomes a toleration when we're living with it. it, and if we were to take care of it, would it somehow make us feel better or lighten that load?
Pete Wright
Yes.
Nikki Kinzer
And I want to go back to the ADHD perspective, is that that's what's so important is that With ADHD, you just have so much noise already. So can we can we lessen that noise even by, 10%? How would it make you feel? or would it build up the confidence that I can start something and and finish it or, whatever it it might be. But yeah, we have lots of examples, but I hope that people understand what we're saying.
Pete Wright
Well you I I I just want to say what what you're bec to get it out of my head. One of the things on the ADHD front is you you we've talked recently about egg the gift, I think it was with with Nachi Felt about expansionist thing. thinking. we're really good at thinking about the what could come of a potential a potential project. And I think part of the reason that tolerations can live so long in my house is because it's so easy for me to jump to the aspirational finish. in my head and that feeling is good enough. Right?
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
The feeling of, oh, once I do fix that knob, things will be great. So I'll live in the feeling of what it's to to have a fixed knob when I'm doing something else, right? When I'm at the sink and not really using the stove. It's only when I'm actually using the pliers to turn on that I realize this is stupid. What am I doing? and so the paint swatches, it's easy for me to go into the bathroom and think, look at those rich colors. Those are gonna be so great for future Pete. I can that's its own little dopamine hit for me. And so I can live in that space, and that's one of the reasons I can ignore the actual finishing of the job.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, I'm just gonna go
Pete Wright
Does that make sense?
Nikki Kinzer
Right, right. Yeah, yeah.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Well, and I think there is a diff a a degree or level of degree of your tolerations what do I want to say? It's not the level of it, but when does it become too much where you just want to get something done? Right? You just want to do it. So the the the priority becomes bigger because it is a bigger impact. So when our dishwasher broke, we weren't gonna I wasn't gonna live with that. mm-mm, no, we're calling the person, we're getting this fixed, because I don't wanna be hand washing dishes. So that had more of a sense of urgency than something else where right now our our electric fireplace is broken. And I would really to get that fixed, but it doesn't have the same sense of urgency.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
see. So I'm living with that right now.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
But once it gets fixed, I'm going to really enjoy it and it.
Pete Wright
Sure.
Nikki Kinzer
And the future me is going to be really happy.
Pete Wright
And that's it. you it's it's amazing how long you can live in that warm space. well long with future you.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
That's it it's a long time.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Yeah.
Pete Wright
A long time.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. And the whole practice, I think, when it was a coaching exercise when we were, learning to be coaches, is that When we're talking to our clients, what are those things that we could help them release?
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
What are the things that we could help them unload that isn't necessarily because I know that one of the tolerations that we talked a lot about and is still one today is my garage, right? And that is a toleration.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Let's talk about that.
Nikki Kinzer
I I live in it. Yeah, I live in it.
Pete Wright
Right.
Nikki Kinzer
I live with it. I can't find anything in it. it's
Pete Wright
But that would the garage has been an interesting roller coaster for you, right? Because you have organized it before.
Nikki Kinzer
I've gotten to the point where it was good enough. Yeah, yeah.
Pete Wright
Okay.
Nikki Kinzer
I got to a point where I felt oh wow, this is the best it's been
Pete Wright
Well, and I think this is why it's it's important to acknowledge, what is it about this particular particular toleration that's getting in the way? Is it that there that sustainability is the problem? you get it to the point where it's livable and then you just can't maintain it what is the particular splinter for this one because the this is where the the garage is it's almost kind it it's a weird toleration because as a room it's easy to ignore
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
But as a project, it's vastly larger than any individual toleration.
Nikki Kinzer
Absolutely. Right, right. So I think it's something that if it was just me living by myself, it I I wouldn't have this issue.
Pete Wright
Yeah. It would be done.
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
And it wouldn't fall apart again.
Nikki Kinzer
and and it wouldn't fall apart, at least not to the point that it is, because I wouldn't have as much stuff. Right, I wouldn't have as much stuff. So I think that part of it is that I live with a family of of three other people that have come and gone in the house that are active and they camp and they we have a boat and th they we have a lot of yard stuff and my husband likes being in the yard and then now my son moved in so half the garage is all of his stuff. So it's there's just always stuff coming in and out.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
So part of it is the maintenance and part of it is just the the roller coaster of life. Things happen, you can't expect it to stay maintained.
Pete Wright
Right.
Nikki Kinzer
when things get put out and then don't necessarily get put back. And then we don't spend the time to put it back and then it just keeps getting, worse until I decide to go back out during a declutter challenge. and figure it out. So it's an ongoing thing. It's an ongoing toleration that I've accepted.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
I don't love it, and I do want to continue working on it, but it is something I've accepted.
Pete Wright
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Nikki Kinzer
And I think that some tolerations you do just have to accept because I'm not in a place in my life where I can take care of it
Pete Wright
Yeah, that's a good thing.
Nikki Kinzer
And it and I think that that's the biggest thing too is that I have decided this is not a priority. It doesn't hurt enough for me to make it a priority.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Pete Wright
Because it's so because you have workarounds. your workarounds are we park in the garage and we go in and out through the front door and we don't ever think of the garage.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Right, right. Right.
Pete Wright
It's a place for storage.
Nikki Kinzer
You can close it, no one sees it, it's fine.
Pete Wright
Yeah, and it it's all gonna be fine.
Nikki Kinzer
it's all it's all gonna be fine.
Pete Wright
So at some point do you think maybe it the toleration, the result of is to just reprogram your head and think this isn't a toleration anymore. It's serving exactly the purpose that it needs to serve in our lives.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, and I think that that's where the insight has grown since we've talked about this last, is that it feels yeah, that's a project and it's a toleration, but it's not one that I need to spend a lot of time on.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
It's not one that I really need to where it would help clear my energy. I think inside the house would clear my energy more.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
I think. I think that doing one of the bathrooms would be really nice to do because it's something I see every day. It's something that, I could update and may maybe throw in a new towel and freshen it up a little bit and be happy in that space. And, I think that that's where my focus would would be better suited.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
And I think that's what we have to do is decide which ones do matter.
Pete Wright
And I think that's what we can do all the time.
Nikki Kinzer
Because when you go back to this toleration list and you look at all of them, you're damn, I'm putting up with a lot more than what I thought. And of course your ADHD brain is going to be hijacked and that's going to be oh, this is too much. It's just another thing I have to do. and so in the exercise, it was what what are pick five things so you have to prioritize what are the ones that have the biggest impact and then what's a small thing that you can do, to start breaking it down. And I think that that's where you got this summary from AI. And I think that this is where AI can also help us, is that I've got this bathroom that needs to be finished. Break down the steps for me. so that I don't have to figure out how to do it. And then I can start to say, all right, buy the paint.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Because I don't even know what the color of the paint is anymore.
Pete Wright
Right. Because we I in toleration, we know what the big picture is because we have a sense of that ideal, but we have a very difficult time. figuring out first of all I think maintaining the list of things that are invisible because by nature you generally when we're not thinking about them it's because they're invisible and we're not thinking about them. So you only see them when you use them. I and so I want to talk about the practicals a little bit. you you were talking about the tolerations list exercise. Let's walk through that because I think developing the muscle of being able to document your tolerations. is is a really important step toward figuring out what weight they have on your psyche.
Nikki Kinzer
I'm gonna go into a little bit of what we do in GPS, our planning membership, because that is how we prioritize things. And a lot of the prior or a lot of the tolerations that we're talking about are what we would consider to be blue tasks. And what by that is they're not important right now and they're something that we could do two plus weeks out. So if we're looking at our color coding situation or our color coding method, red tasks are things that are urgent that need to be done this week. So that's more of your day-to-day work stuff, those kinds of things that you need to be doing. The green tasks are important, but you don't need to necessarily do them in this week. It could be in the next couple of weeks. The blue tasks are the things the the painting of the bathroom is a perfect blue task. It's not really important in the sense that there's a deadline or urgency to it. it doesn't have to be done right now. So that's that's the toleration. Now, if you have another toleration of what's the toleration you have right now, Pete?
Pete Wright
We got new windows in our house. I want to say two year, two maybe two and a half years ago, and we've never figured out window coverings.
Nikki Kinzer
Okay.
Pete Wright
Especially for our living room, which has giant bay windows just open to the universe.
Nikki Kinzer
To come and see what you're doing.
Pete Wright
And It's super lame and we c you can't really watch a movie satisfactorily at night because the outdoor lights shine through the windows. I just want to be able to close curtains and And have mostly for my mewing, my move mewing, my movie viewing r experience.
Nikki Kinzer
Right. Yeah.
Pete Wright
I want to have that fixed. So right now, getting this project, it's a It's a toleration because we've ignored it, but it your garage, it's a bigger project when you actually look at it.
Nikki Kinzer
Right, right. Okay.
Pete Wright
So now
Nikki Kinzer
So now we have let's say that our that your tolerations are my tolerations. So now we have this, we're starting to build this list of window coverings. The painting in the bathroom, the garage. I'm assuming yeah, you did get your knob fixed because you got a new stove.
Pete Wright
We got a new oven, yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, a new oven.
Pete Wright
New stove.
Nikki Kinzer
I lived with the toleration for a long time, where our microwave our microwave broke. And so we ended up taking a small microwave and put it on the counter and used that for a long time. instead of getting the other one fixed. So that was a toleration I had on my list. So right, so we're starting to collect these. We have a a car door that doesn't lock correctly.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
the child's lock never unlocks. I'm never gonna fix that one though, because it costs thousands of dollars to fix it and it's not worth it. So I'm never gonna fix that one.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
So that's not even a toleration. That's just Part of the car now.
Pete Wright
That's crazy. That's crazy just how that's one of those things that you're not that's just invisible because who cares?
Nikki Kinzer
Well yeah, and it's so much money to spend.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
a crack in a window. We have a crack in one of our windshield in our windshield in one of our well actually we had them in both of our cars, but we got one fixed. So that's now a part of this, right? So we're starting to add this up. So we're doing this brain dump and figuring out what What are the things that I'm tolerating? And then what we want to do is start going through this prioritizing thing. For me to say that the broken car door lock or the child's lock is just not important anymore, that's a release of me thinking that we have to fix it at any given time.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
That releases some energy. So if there's anything that you can just know that you can delete or take off the list, that's great. take it off.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Don't think about it anymore. Just accept that that's the way it is. Then we're looking at more of the urgent things. Now, a lot of these things are not going to be red tasks unless you want them to be.
Pete Wright
yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
For example, if I'm hosting Thanksgiving. And I want that downstairs bathroom to be done by Thanksgiving, then I have put a little bit of external motivation and a deadline in that.
Pete Wright
Yeah, that would be all
Nikki Kinzer
And so that has been bumped up now to, oh, I would really to get this done before the holidays.
Pete Wright
Yeah, it's it's become a commitment.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, so I've bumped that up on the on the urgency piece. Now, some of these other things, I can start categorizing them by this is red, this is green, this is blue.
Pete Wright
Yeah I'm sorry on the open screen the authentic screen. I do with the when I'm ready.
Nikki Kinzer
A lot of them are still gonna be blue. we're not trying to
Pete Wright
What's the I was on with the in the bottom?
Nikki Kinzer
make them all important. And this is the thing that we got to be careful with ADHD is that everything's going to feel important.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
But we know that it's not because we haven't done it in years.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
So it's not that important. And so it's really making a decision of what you want to do first.
Pete Wright
That's that's one of the things that that I think is really important because we're not doing a traditional prioritization. process here, right?
Nikki Kinzer
No
Pete Wright
We don't have to do that, right? But I think what comes with the reason tolerations are important, once you have this list down and you have this new category, this new language to define certain things, you can say what is it that is time sensitive, I want to do this by Thanksgiving because people are coming to that.
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
And what is it that I am somehow a little bit feeling the weight of embarrassment or shame because this thing just shouldn't be broken in in my home. This thing sh I shouldn't be still dealing with this.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
And that's one of the reasons window coverings has not risen to that level of importance because when people come in our home during the day nobody notices. We have window coverings in the guest room, so nobody notices that problem. And so it hasn't risen to the level of priority, and I'm not generally embarrassed by it.
Nikki Kinzer
Right.
Pete Wright
It it's and and and I don't care. There's no time sensitivity to it.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah Yeah, that's exactly it. And so, and you're absolutely right. This is really a different way of thinking about how to prioritize. And it also wraps back into the future you. You what will you appreciate the most?
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
What what is the biggest impact for you and your family? Because the outside world isn't necessarily going to see it. So what impacts you? but I think one of the things that, once you can get this zeroed in, you do have to think about is this the right time right now to do this, to tackle this? Because I haven't been tackling it. So do I have, if I'm going into the holidays and and business is a little bit slower, maybe now is a good time to tackle one of these tolerations.
Pete Wright
Yeah, we're gonna go
Nikki Kinzer
or you're going into the summer and the the weather is a little nicer and I don't mind being outside and I know we're gonna be using that yard work or those yard tools. So it'd be nice to have some organization there. So that future you, I I could see myself doing this in the spring. you start thinking about what what makes sense for you. but with anything, you start, you you start small and you figure out this is the one thing I want to tackle, and we start breaking that down and we start figuring out, what is that first step. When can I intentionally plan for it? Because blue tasks, these types of tolerations, will stay tolerations if you don't put some intention behind it.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
you do have to say, I'm going to do it this weekend. I'm going to do this thing, this part this weekend. You may not finish it, but I'm going to go out and buy the paint. I'm going to buy the supplies. And then the weekend after that, we're going to do the painting. And, just really setting the intention behind it and blocking the time to get it done.
Pete Wright
this is really faster to be buttons.
Nikki Kinzer
and that is such a pivotal piece of of getting these things done.
Pete Wright
Yeah. And let's have a little
Nikki Kinzer
is putting a little bit of of intention behind it, which is not easy for ADHDers.
Pete Wright
No, no. And I and I think part of it is reprogramming yourself. because, we we talk about them as tolerations and And the emotional drain and the the embarrassment or shame that you have these things around, you're avoiding them. But I I think in order to really move through those feelings and get these things done, you have to r do some as as our friend James Ochoa would say. You have to visualize the joy that you'll feel of having done it, right? You have to put yourself in that space of I'm painting this weekend and I know it's a pain in the rear and I don't want to do it. But I know when it's done, it's gonna be awesome. And you have to really feel, you have to put yourself in a space of really feeling putting the paint away and cleaning up the drop cloth and taking off the tape and visualizing what it's going to look when it's painted, when it's done, when the window coverings are actually hanging. because I I just think that that that space, living in that space for a little while can help you get over the hardest parts. of of breaking through a toleration.
Nikki Kinzer
Right. Yeah.
Pete Wright
There's a lot of joy in having a new oven when the the old one was broken.
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
There's a lot of joy in that, right? I didn't want to spend the money on an oven. But it was once we decided this is a thing that has to happen, it was easy to visualize everything working. Right.
Nikki Kinzer
Right, right.
Pete Wright
That's that's nice.
Nikki Kinzer
And then having how yeah, the benefit of that for sure.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Right.
Nikki Kinzer
And I think it's interesting the beginning of the conversation, you're we still have these tolerations. Absolutely. I think we always will, right? that's part of of life. And I think that that's part of accepting too of what you want to tackle and what you don't want to tackle. And there was a question in the chat that I just wanted to bring up on the show because I thought it was a good good question around if there are positive tolerations. What are your thoughts around that?
Pete Wright
I need some more context. I d are there positive tolerations? How does that do you have an instinctive example?
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, I I my instinct is that if you're tolerating something You're accepting it as it is and that isn't really necessarily positive or negative. It's just a level of acceptance. and you're letting it go. you're letting it be, the garage. I don't have great feelings either way about the garage, but I would not say I feel positive about the garage. it's still a toleration that I'm dealing with. I've just let it go be and be what it is. So I don't know if I would necessarily define a toleration as being positive. And I don't even know if it's negative. again, I think it just takes up energy. It's just another it's it's
Pete Wright
I think I think it's negative because of how we feel about it. I think ideally, I totally hear you.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, right.
Pete Wright
I want to not have baggage around tolerations, but invariably when I'm when I'm standing in the bathroom with paint swatches, when I'm standing in front of the stove with a with that's broken and I'm using my toaster oven for a year.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
year, those things make me feel a certain way and that's generally not positive.
Nikki Kinzer
You're right. And it's the the feelings that are attached to it. The what I should have done this a long time ago. and it's also always these reminders of everything that has to be. done. yep, the fireplace isn't fixed yet. Yep, I gotta get that done. that's another thing on my list. So yeah, I think that they tend to definitely be more negative.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
I don't see a lot of positive energy coming from them, except for the order of if you've accepted them, then you've let that go.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Nikki Kinzer
But I think you're right. I think for most ADHDers it's still gonna be, but I still need to get to the garage. I still feel that way. I may have accepted that this is the way it is right now, but I still wanna do it. I still wanna clean it up.
Pete Wright
Well and and let's look at the darks the the dark cousin of acceptance that this is serving the purpose that it is is that it's pretty it's pretty slippery to go from there to a compl Disaster, right? it may be functioning and messy, but it's not a complete disaster because it's still functioning. And if you really accept it, then oh my goodness, look what could happen. Right. That implies that you're not gonna let it get worse.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, and see, that's a really good distinction. Yeah, you you're implying that it's not going to get worse, and you're also implying that you will take care of care of it at some point.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
It's just that it's not a priority right now.
Pete Wright
That it's in maintenance, right?
Nikki Kinzer
So it's yeah.
Pete Wright
That it's maintained.
Nikki Kinzer
So the acceptance may not be the best word now that we're talking about it because yeah, it is, I think it's accepting that it's not a priority. That I don't it's not an urgent thing.
Pete Wright
Right. But you're not an active antagonist to it.
Nikki Kinzer
But you're right.
Pete Wright
You're not making it worse.
Nikki Kinzer
No, and I don't I don't want to just say, oh, this is just the way it is and always going to be, and and I'm just gonna keep adding.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
bags to the yeah and boxes to the garage.
Pete Wright
Totally.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
All right. Tolerations are I I think it's I think it's good to have your have your head around you. So grab your notebook. And st and keep something handy so that you can write down your list of tolerations as you are thinking about them, as you are experiencing them. Because when you're not using them, you're probably gonna have a hard time doing a core dump on what your tolerations are. So something handy to start building your list.
Nikki Kinzer
And please don't make this your daily to-do list.
Pete Wright
No, it is not your daily to-do list.
Nikki Kinzer
This is not the things that you have to do on a day-to-day basis.
Pete Wright
No, no, no, no, no.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
Yeah, keep that keep it completely separate. You don't want to prioritize your tolerations in the work that you have to do.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
every day. That's not the function.
Nikki Kinzer
No, no.
Pete Wright
So this is going to be great. You're going to love it. And share your tolerations. We'd love to hear them in the community. All right. Are we good? Did we do it? Did we make a podcast?
Nikki Kinzer
We did it. We made a podcast.
Pete Wright
All right. Well, thank you everybody for hanging out with us. Thanks for hanging out in the live stream. If you're a Patreon member at patreon. com slash the ADHD podcast. thank you for your time and your attention. As always, don't forget, if you have something to contribute to the conversation, we're heading over to the Show Talk channel in that very Discord server. And you can join us right there by becoming a supporting member at the Deluxe Level or Better. On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, I'm Pete Wright, and we'll see you right back here next week on Taking Control, the ADHD podcast.
