Letting Go of the “This Year Will Be Different” Story
That “this year will be different” promise feels so good when it’s fresh… and so brutal when the old patterns quietly return. In this episode, Pete and Nikki unpack why that boom-and-bust cycle hits so hard for ADHD brains: the early dopamine of a new system (or a newly organized sock drawer), the unrealistic maintenance expectations baked into most productivity advice, and the emotional crash that follows when the setup doesn’t hold.
They dig into the real trap underneath the resolution mindset—living in the gap between who you were yesterday and who you hope to be tomorrow—and how to pull your attention back to the only place you actually have leverage: today. Along the way, they talk about why asking for help can feel so risky (hello, shame and RSD), how to regulate before you ask, and what it looks like to reframe help as advocacy instead of rescue. The goal isn’t becoming someone new. It’s learning to support the person you already are, with more time, more buffer, and a lot less self-punishment.
Links & Notes
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Pete Wright
Hello, everybody, and welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast on TruStory FM. I’m Pete Wright, and I’m here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer
Hello, everyone. Hello, Pete Wright.
Pete Wright
This is a continuation of the last two episodes we’ve been talking about as we waltz into 2026. And so we’re going to be talking about what we need to do to let go of the “this year will be different” story that we sometimes tell ourselves. And I think this is an important conversation, especially for those of us who might be carrying around a little bit of the OCD baggage and anxiety, in addition with our best friend ADHD. I think there’s some important stuff in here.
Nikki Kinzer
Aw, I’m so glad you said it’s your best friend. That’s so nice.
Pete Wright
Well, they’re best friends. Sometimes I’m invited.
Nikki Kinzer
Oh. Sometimes you’re invited. Okay.
Pete Wright
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Pete Wright
Nikki. Okay. Letting go of this year. Letting go of “this year will be a different” story. No. Letting go of, quote, “this year will be a different” story. The story.
Nikki Kinzer
There you go. You read that kind of right. I get you though.
Pete Wright
If there was a way for me to say it differently, I hope somebody is making note, because I’ll roll them all in. Set the stage for us. What are we talking about?
Nikki Kinzer
Right. Well, it’s not even like “this year is gonna be different.” It could be anything. It could be, “This notebook is going to make my life different.”
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
“This podcast that I’m listening to is going to make all of the changes that I need…” A podcast is probably not a great example because we’re a podcast, and I hope you’re listening for inspiration. But anyway, you get this big wave of motivation—whatever that is, right? But in a few weeks, the old patterns quietly return, and then there’s this emotional crash that comes where there’s a lot of guilt, confusion, frustration, madness toward your ADHD—all of these things, right?
Pete Wright
Madness, madness, I tell you.
Nikki Kinzer
Madness. Yes. And what’s so interesting about this is that motivation you had before fades, right? Because sometimes the system you’re building maybe wasn’t necessarily the right system for your ADHD brain. Maybe it wasn’t written for somebody with ADHD or wasn’t talked about with people that understand ADHD.
So I have a little story to share that I think will help people understand what we’re talking about. We’re in the middle of the declutter challenge, right? There was a question asked: how or why is it that I’ll get really motivated and I’ll completely organize my sock drawer, and it’ll be all nice and tidy and Marie Kondo-ish, but then in just a few weeks it goes back to a big hot mess. And that’s so common. That’s the sock drawer, but think about that in broader terms—in anything that you have tried, and then it kind of comes back to where it was before.
And I think what’s happening is we get excited about something and we mimic it, or we try to make it ours, but it isn’t something we can maintain long-term. So you get that little dopamine hit at the very beginning. You get that short-term, “Yo, I did this. It looks great.” But then the maintenance is just not reasonable. And then we feel bad about it because the maintenance is not reasonable and we think, “We’re wrong. We did something wrong.”
And so that’s part of what’s happening here. There’s this productivity trap that we live in. There’s this pressure of feeling like we have to be productive all the time. Every minute has to be productive. We’re trained to measure our worth by what we output—what we do. But the cost of chasing that productivity without giving yourself any kind of buffer or recovery time is exhaustion, guilt, and never feeling like you’re enough. Does that all make sense?
Pete Wright
Well yeah, because I think that’s the gap where I live. The trap is the gap where I live between a very recent memory of some space and time before now, and my aspiration of tomorrow. I never really sit here and recognize that the gap—the gap trap—is today, and that I actually have agency over today. I’m too busy comparing what could be with what was and being sad about that.
The muscle we’re building today is recognizing when we’re stuck in that trap. Recognizing when we’re stuck in that spiral, and when we need to put the brakes on and recognize: today is today. It’s not tomorrow. It’s not a promise we’ve made to ourselves or others about time we have not earned yet. It is just right now. And what can we do today, free of judgment and guilt, to move ourselves forward?
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Reframing there, right? And being where you are right now. And I think that’s the story: when we’re talking about, “Oh, this is gonna be different,” we are moving away from that. That is exactly what you’re saying.
Pete Wright
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer
We’re moving away from that when we’re trying to make something different.
Pete Wright
Yeah. It’s also the perils of resolution too. Resolutions, right? This is why we get in these naughty conversations with ourselves about what we resolve to change in January. And why we have often come out as sort of the antagonists to the story of resolutions. It’s because they exemplify the gap trap. I don’t know if that’s going to stick, but it’s fun to say.
Nikki Kinzer
Trademark that. The gap trap.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
So if we’re looking at this as: here you are now. This is where I am right now. My question is: what if the goal isn’t to become someone new or to do something completely different, but to support the person that you already are?
So what we’re doing here is we’re changing our focus from fixing what is really the wrong problem. We’re trying to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed. So the core question is: can you be okay with how long things can actually take?
A lot of times people complain about how long things take them. With ADHD, it takes longer to process. It takes longer to think things through, make decisions—all of that. So what if we stop trying to “fix” that? And I say that in quotations because I’m not trying to fix anybody, but let’s say that we’re not trying to fix how to make it easier for you to make decisions or how can we get you to do this faster.
We’re actually not looking at that as the problem anymore. We’re looking at: how can we be okay and have a level of acceptance that this is how long it is going to take me to do A? And how can I plan rest and recovery into that plan, and not feel guilty around it being not-productive time?
And so it is that shift—that mindset shift—of “I need to push harder to catch up.” But actually what we need is more time and support, and that’s okay.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Right. I want to make sure—because I brought up… I’m not sure how long ago, but I brought up that this is my year of margin, right? Because I’m feeling personally like I’m running out of margin to adapt to change. This is not margin, right? Because that would imply that you’re going to eat into margin to make up your extra time, and that’s not okay.
We’re talking about slowing down and backing out of the story of “I have to push harder to catch up,” and use all my available sanity time and rest time and recovery time to do stuff that is nine to five—stuff that should really be done throughout the progress of a normal day. And I can make myself feel horrible about just that activity—the ABCs of a normal day. I can feel absolutely horrible about it.
And that part’s not okay. That part’s not okay to carry that voice home with me and not finish my day-to-day work until nine o’clock, ten o’clock, because I just needed to push harder to catch up.
What we’re saying is: rewrite that story and recognize that the commitments that you make have to start with “I’m going to need more time for that” that you’re not going to get today.
Nikki Kinzer
So that leads into us doing something that’s really hard, and that’s asking for help. And that’s hard for anyone, period—whether you have ADHD or not. When we’re asking for help, we’re being put into a very vulnerable situation. It’s uncomfortable. We don’t want to ask for it. We don’t want to need it, but we’re in that position where we do for whatever reason.
With ADHD, it’s magnified. And that is because of all of these old stories: the fear of being too much for someone, being a burden. We were talking about over-apologizing. We have a show coming out soon about why that is something that happens so often with ADHD.
It’s risky to ask for help because what if the person says no? And even if they have a good reason to say no and it’s not personal, the person with ADHD is still going to have that RSD—rejection sensitive dysphoria—rear its head: “It has to be me. I should have never asked.”
So there’s that fear. What if you want to ask, but you don’t know how to ask? Because executive dysfunction gets in the way. “I can’t organize my thoughts. I know I want to ask for this help, but I’m not really sure who to ask or how to get it.” And then there’s that old belief that comes in and says, “I need to try harder. I should do this on my own.” So I’m going to keep doing it on my own and I’m not going to ask for help.
All of that really makes sense when you start to think about why it’s so hard for a person to ask for help.
Pete Wright
All of the symptoms we’re talking about—the self-judgment, the RSD, the shame, the guilt—I think the one I want to make sure is there is just the straight-up sadness. Because sadness for me is a meta experience. It’s like I’m stepping outside of my body and watching this other person not being able to get his stuff done. And I’m looking at him, and I’m feeling this overwhelming sense of melancholy—sadness—that that guy is stuck in such a place of torment.
And I think for me, I have to find a way to move through that experience of sadness in order to find what we’ve been talking about for the last two weeks: safety. In order to find that place where I feel like the people who are counting on me, and the people on whom I am counting, help me feel safe—and feel safe to work with me, to be with me, to comfort me, to receive comfort from me. And that is incredibly challenging to do.
So I want to acknowledge that because we’re talking about a lot of very sharp feelings, a lot of very acute pain—emotional pain. And there is this other layer, this meta sadness that exists on top of it all. It’s the hopelessness that you may be living with that says you’re never going to get this done and you’re going to have to live with that. And that’s what we’re trying to rewrite. That’s what we’re trying to rewrite.
Nikki Kinzer
And part of that can be done with self-compassion, right? Holding yourself the way that you would hold a dear friend or someone that you really love, because you need that at that time. You need that most at that time when you’re feeling sad.
So one of the things that I wanted to help our audience with is: I know it’s hard to ask for help when you don’t really know how to. And so we have a free download this week.
Pete Wright
Oh my goodness. Keep them coming.
Nikki Kinzer
How to ask for help without the guilt.
Pete Wright
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer
Yay. There are a few different things here on the download, so please take a look at that and download that off of our show notes. But I want to talk about two of my favorite tips here on the show that I think can help people break through some of that shame or sadness that they’re feeling when they need some extra help.
One of the things that really resonated with me was: redefine what help means to you. Help is not a rescue mission. You are not in the middle of the ocean waving your hands. And if you don’t get help, you’re going to drown or get bitten by a shark.
Pete Wright
That’s so good. That’s so good.
Nikki Kinzer
Right?
Pete Wright
I don’t know why it strikes me as so funny, but I’ve never thought about it in those words. It’s kind of hysterical.
Nikki Kinzer
It’s true, though, right?
Pete Wright
Yeah. There are no sharks.
Nikki Kinzer
There’s no sharks.
Pete Wright
There are no sharks.
Nikki Kinzer
There’s no, like, octopuses that are going to wrap you around their little legs or anything like that.
Pete Wright
There is no giant squid.
Nikki Kinzer
No, no, no. So what you’re doing is you’re advocating for what works best for your brain. And we’ve talked about this before when we’ve talked about: do you tell people about your ADHD at work? Should I disclose it? And I think the consensus has always been: you don’t need to disclose it. You just tell people what you need and how you work best. And that’s what we’re doing. We’re advocating for ourselves.
So: “I do best when I have clear timelines and visual check-ins.” Or, “If you see that I’m overwhelmed, can you help me with a reminder?” Or can you help me…
My husband—bless his heart—we’re doing the declutter challenge and he’s doing it with me. And he asked me, “Can you help me go through this cupboard? If you help me, I know I’m going to be able to make the decisions easier, and I will probably get rid of more stuff,” which is true.
So asking for that: “I’m not falling behind. I’m pacing myself.” “It’s taking a little bit longer than I expected. That’s okay.” “I need some extra help.”
I asked Pete to do an outline for our next podcast. “Hey Pete, do you mind doing this?” Happy to help. I could have done it, but I wanted some help.
So there’s those things. But you’re not rescuing the podcast. We’re doing good. We’re doing okay.
Pete Wright
Right. It’s just asking for help. That’s right. There are no sharks in the podcast. Unless y’all want some sharks—we’ll pander.
But that’s really it. And here’s the receiving end of that, right? For me it’s an important reflection, and I have to say it out loud because sometimes I forget when I’m in a position where I need to ask for help, which is: I’m totally fine helping out to do this thing.
And I thought exactly nothing of it beyond: do I have the time and bandwidth to say yes to this request? If the answer is yes, it is easy and I moved on.
Now, when I’m in the position of asking for help, I usually have a 120-page script working through all of the reasons you wouldn’t want to help me, you would be judging me for even needing help, and you would be changing the tone and tenor of our relationship for years to come because you feel like I’m an empty husk unable to even muster the barest flint of productivity moving forward through my day.
That is so not true. It was easy. And I need to say that. I think we all need to say that to ourselves a lot: what do I feel like when someone else asks me for help? I try to do my best to help them. That’s what I have to expect from other people when I ask for help, or else I just get tied in knots.
Nikki Kinzer
Absolutely. And you know how we’ve been talking about the nervous system in the last couple of shows. We’ve been talking about that safety place and how do I get back to that spot.
So this leads into my second favorite tip on this download: regulate yourself before you ask. Because if you do have a lot of shame, if you have that fear of what they’re thinking spiking at high levels, let’s ground yourself first. Let’s get that center—that nervous system center—calm. Take a few breaths. Think about what you want to say or how you want to ask for help.
Writing—we’ve talked about this before too—as a little hack: before you talk to somebody, bullet-point what you want to say. There’s nothing wrong with that if that helps you feel more comfortable in the ask, to really be able to see it.
And I think visualizing: what is the outcome that you would like to have? When your nervous system feels safer, then asking becomes more possible. And we know that from what we’ve talked about in the past. We’ve got to get ourselves to feel safe to ask, which makes a big difference.
Pete Wright
So as we get toward wrapping up, tell us about the small, like, 8:00 a.m. Monday morning—tiny things you can do for yourself every day to help encourage this shift in mindset while not requiring yourself to be completely fixed from day one.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. You know, one of my favorite sayings—or I don’t know if it’s really a saying—is: go into things with curiosity instead of judgment. And I think that really is important. So if you’re going into the day and you’re starting to feel whatever it is you’re feeling—overwhelmed, fear—be curious about it. Don’t judge it. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t take the blame. Be curious about it and see where that takes you. Be that little kid again. Ask those why questions, and really try to reset that story—that mindset.
Name your wins, even the small ones, which aren’t small. That’s the thing that’s so mind-boggling to me. I’ll ask somebody to tell me what their successes are and, “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t really have any.” And then they start listing like ten things they’ve already done this morning. Like, hello—there’s so many wins in that. So really noticing what you’re doing right, being curious and not judgmental.
And having that reset time, that buffer time, that recovery time. Listen to the things or do the things that bring you joy—whether that’s music, stepping outside, being with your friends, your family, your pets. All of those things that make us feel safe, right? These are all anchors that we want to have that will pull us back into: “Okay, I am safe. I can handle this.”
And I’m okay. I’m okay with who I am. And it doesn’t have to be bigger and better.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Well, that’s a really good point, especially as we wrap back around to the central idea of this conversation, which is: we’re letting go of the “this year being different” mindset because that doesn’t serve us necessarily to move forward into whatever new reality is ahead of us.
We don’t have to live up to aspirations that we did not meet yesterday, nor do we have to live up to aspirations that we have not met today or tomorrow. We just have to do our very best in a given moment.
Nikki Kinzer
I love that.
Pete Wright
That’s good. I mean, you know we’ve been doing the show for a long time, and this is still the stuff that I think about every day.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
Every day.
Nikki Kinzer
So true.
Pete Wright
Okay, everybody, thank you so much for downloading and listening to the show. We sure appreciate you being here. We appreciate your time and your attention. Don’t forget, if you have something to contribute to the conversation, we’re heading over to the Show Talk channel in our Discord server, and you can join us right there by becoming a supporting member at the Deluxe level or better at patreon.com/theadhdpodcast.
On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, I’m Pete Wright, and we’ll see you right back here next week on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast.
