Break out of the ADHD Try-Hard Trap
In episode 3001, Nikki and Pete embark on a journey into the heart of the "try-hard trap." It's a familiar snare, isn't it? That relentless, gnawing feeling that we're not doing enough, that we should be doing more. That we're perpetually falling short of some invisible, yet omnipresent, standard.
Pete and Nikki explore the insidious ways in which societal pressures, internalized expectations, and the ever-present lure of FOMO (fear of missing out) conspire to keep us perpetually spinning on the hamster wheel of "trying harder." But what if, just what if, the key to unlocking our potential lies not in more effort, but in less? What if, as Pete suggests, true progress comes from letting go of the illusion of control, the unattainable ideal of perfection, and the corrosive power of self-criticism?
This isn't about surrendering to inertia, sinking into the couch, and embracing a life of indolence. Far from it. It's about recognizing the inherent limitations of our ADHD brains, and working with them, not against them. It's about embracing "good enough" as a legitimate, even laudable, achievement. It's about finding a sustainable pace, setting realistic expectations, and celebrating the small victories along the way.
Nikki offers practical strategies for navigating the try-hard trap. She emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, understanding our individual energy rhythms, and communicating our needs to others. It's about recognizing that disappointing people is sometimes necessary, even healthy. It's about prioritizing self-care, setting boundaries, and recognizing that we are ultimately responsible for our own well-being.
Links & Notes
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Pete Wright:
Hello everybody and welcome to Taking Control, The ADHD Podcast on True Story FM. I'm Pete Wright and I'm here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer:
Hello, everyone. Hello, Pete Wright.
Pete Wright:
This is I guess, another milestone, Nikki. Do you know what episode this is?
Nikki Kinzer:
If I cheat and I look.
Pete Wright:
Don't cheat. You're not allowed to cheat.
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, I already cheated.
Pete Wright:
This is the first episode of our 30th season.
Nikki Kinzer:
30th.
Pete Wright:
As we number things. Yes.
Nikki Kinzer:
Season.
Pete Wright:
30th season, and we number at 3001. I like that a lot. As we crest into the new year of 2025. Yeah. 30th season of the show. I don't even know what that makes it in terms of just raw numbers because we use season and episodes.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
Is it somewhere around 638?
Nikki Kinzer:
Something, yeah.
Pete Wright:
Something like that, but.
Nikki Kinzer:
And it doesn't mean that we've been on the air for 30 years.
Pete Wright:
No. No.
Nikki Kinzer:
Because that would be weird.
Pete Wright:
Because we do two, roughly 20 21, 22 episode seasons a year. So we take two breaks and that defines our seasons. So we do two seasons. But it's still, I like the number.
Nikki Kinzer:
Me too.
Pete Wright:
I like 30. 30 feels good. I think it's going to be a great season. And we are starting our season with Atomic and just, it struck us like lightning yesterday. We're talking about how we should all try less hard.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. Not try harder, try less hard.
Pete Wright:
Try less hard. And that's what we're going to talk about today.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
Before we do that, you know the drill, this season 30. If you haven't memorized it, I don't know what you're doing. Takecontroladhd.com will allow you to get to know us a little bit better. You can listen to the show right there on the website or subscribe to the mailing list and we'll send you an email each time a new episode is released. Connect with us on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest or Bluesky, which now I'm no longer lying. We're officially on Bluesky.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes, we are.
Pete Wright:
At Take Control ADHD. I am at Pete Wright. And you're not really using your personal account, but you have it, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright:
What's your personal account? It's just Nikki Kinzer?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
Is it underscore Nikki Kinzer or something?
Nikki Kinzer:
Well, I put the name as just Nikki Kinzer. I don't remember. I think it was like Nkinzer.
Pete Wright:
Oh, okay.
Nikki Kinzer:
Or something like that. Yeah.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Nikki Kinzer:
I don't know.
Pete Wright:
Well, anyway, you're there too on Bluesky.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah, I am.
Pete Wright:
So.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
If you're on Bluesky, follow us up and let's chat over there. It's super fun if you're into a public discourse. A lot of the ADHD people in our community have moved over, so we've got a burgeoning community of ADHD creators that are over there that's really fun. And of course there is our Discord. We have another milestone on Discord. We've reached a fantastic milestone that we're very, very of and proud of all of you for being a part of our Discord community.
We've got over a thousand people in the Discord community right now, and that is just amazing. If you had asked me when we started this thing, I don't even remember when, five years ago, would be more than our favorite, 150, 200 people, and we just kind of top out there. I would've said, you're nuts. I think we'll have a small community. We now have a mighty community. I love it. I love that it continues to grow and people continue to get access and resources from one another in this place.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
It's very, very special. So takecontroladhd.com/discord if you are not in there and you are interested in jumping into there. Of course, if this show has ever helped you in your relationship with ADHD, we do invite you to support the show via Patreon. It's listener supported podcasting over there. Patreon.com/theadhdpodcast will get you access to more stuff.
It gets you access to potentially meetings with me and Nikki, if you're on our supreme tier. It gets you access to our happy hour if you're on the deluxe tier, where we get together once a month and just have a nice virtual party. It gets you access to coaching and tech stuff with me, other podcasts, bonus episodes, early access. We really try to create some new things for you as a creator. But mostly, it directly supports the people who put on this podcast.
So if you are a fan of the show, if you love the show, if you want to make sure that the show stays around for a long time, Patreon is the way to do that. It helps us put shoes on our feet and food on the table. So thank you. Thank you so much. Patreon.com/theadhdpodcast. And finally, this is the last thing I'm going to say, I swear and then I'll stop because I haven't said it in a little while.
Go get the book, "Unapologetically ADHD." It's a new year. You should buy our book. It's fantastic. We love the book. We're getting great feedback on the book, and we hope that it helps you in your journey with ADHD. Unapologetically ADHD, audible. The audiobook is out. We're very proud of it, and we hope you get something out of it. Thanks. That's it. Now let's go try less hard. What is the ADHD try hard trap? I just made that up this morning I think.
Nikki Kinzer:
I'll tell you what the trap is, but then I'm really curious to know why this resonated so much with you, because this was your idea. You were like, "I saw this and this resonated with me." So the trap I think comes in a lot of different ways when you have ADHD. I think that there's this innate responsibility that you feel like you have to do more or you have to try harder because for some reason you're not doing enough already.
And so perfect example would be, here we are during the day, you're supposed to be working and you don't feel like you got as much stuff done as you were supposed to or that you should have gotten done. And so now I need to bring this home and I need to work on it in the evenings, or I need to work later that evening to get this done.
But then it also can be just like home stuff. You're at home, it's the weekend. I should be doing all of these things. I'm not doing them. So I'm going to push myself and stay up all night long to make up for everything I didn't do during the day. So there's a lot of this trying to make up for something I think is where it stems.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I think that is a root of this particular evil. Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright:
And I think it's compounding, like compounding interest, right? You say yes to a lot of things because you're happy to please people and that's who you are. And it's good. You're a generous person. And you say yes to a lot of people and so you end up overextending yourself and you forget that boundaries exist for a reason.
And so you overextend yourself to the point where you're exhausted and you are doing poorer work as a result of it, right? You're exhausted, you're overextended, and your physiological experience in the world begins to fade, right? You are more prone to get sick. You are generally not functioning at your very, very best. And that's the cycle. And I put it in the cycle of trying too hard, the try hard cycle.
So you approach a thing that you've either said yes to because you want to help or it's just difficult or whatever. You put in immense effort, but you're probably doing it in a way that anyone, a neurotypical would do it. And it breaks your own ADHD brain, so you get frustrated, exhausted, you settle in as a failure and then repeat. Right? You just do it over and over and over again. And so what I feel like hits me with the try less hard, right?
Don't be such a try hard, is not that we should settle for more couch time. It's that we should really think about and be super cognizant of the little decisions every day that cause us to veer into that particular trap, the try hard trap. Things like FOMO, okay? Right? FOMO fuels over commitment. It is the thing that allows us to see other people doing a thing and imagine that we can do it too. Well, that's part of the trap.
So what do you have in place to say, "I want to make sure that I have a boundary so I'm not exposed to things that create FOMO?" Because I know I'm going to feel it anyway. I know I don't have the will, I don't have the strength not to feel that when I scroll Instagram or TikTok. I know I'm going to feel bad about myself. What do I need to do to put the brakes on that? So that's kind of where I started thinking about the try hard trap. Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
It's interesting because one of the things that I think is a little bit of a misconception, because you were like, "I don't think, it's not that we're looking for more couch time." If I was to talk, and this has happened before with a client, if I was to ask, "What did you do today?" The list is long.
The disconnect is that I didn't do as much as I thought I was going to get done or I didn't get to this particular thing because this thing took longer. So it's not even that they're wasting time, they're doing stuff, it's just that the expectations are so out of line that they don't see what they are doing, and then they're just beating themselves up for what they think they "Should." And I say "Should" in quotes, be doing.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. And I think that's exactly it. And here is what I would think about in terms of those expectations, the unrealistic expectations. Where are you putting pressure on yourself? Where does that pressure come from? Is it coming from the FOMO we were talking about, the social media or the social group comparison trap or the work comparison trap or the, "Oh my God, the lights on that house across the street are amazing. Why aren't mine amazing? How can I wrap myself up in that sort of project?"
Or is it legitimate internal pressure, right? That you feel like it's coming from inside of you and not from something you're witnessing outside. And I think that's a really important thing to be aware of in yourself, right? That's the sort of mindfulness thing. And I think people are going to be like, "Oh, mindfulness again, blah, blah, blah." The truth of the matter is, this is where it's these little decisions.
It's these little forks in the road where we have to train ourselves to be aware of our brain and what it's telling us to do. And I am not innocent myself. I feel it every day. I feel it every day that there's something I am not making, I'm not doing right. I'm not making up for. I'm a complete imposter.
There's no way my ADHD is going to allow me to do this thing. So I better just get on the treadmill and run as hard and fast as I and I better be emailing until late at night. Because that's just what it has to do to get done. And the piece that I find calming is when I'm able to realize that I am allowed, I have agency to release unrealistic expectations. Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
I can release the idea that I'm a failure. I can just let it go.
Nikki Kinzer:
Right. Because you're not, right? I mean, I know that sounds silly because Pete, you're not. Just believe that. And I know it's not easy to believe, but I think that it is that self-awareness. I mean, mindfulness and that self-awareness of wait a minute, like you said, is this an internal or external pressure that I'm putting on myself and is it fair?
Is it something that I would put on somebody that I love? Because then self-compassion comes into play because we're not treating ourselves the same way as we would treat somebody else. And that's very harmful. And it's certainly not going to help because we're taking the blame for everything. We think it's always our fault. And so yeah, we have to pause for a moment and let go of those unrealistic expectations and be okay with good enough.
Pete Wright:
Right. Right. Because good enough is still good.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. Yeah.
Pete Wright:
You know what I mean? I think we forget that.
Nikki Kinzer:
So we had this discussion at Christmas time about the lights. Because Thanksgiving was so late, and Christmas all of a sudden is just here, we talked about do we decorate outside? And we both kind of just decided, well, it's only three weeks until Christmas. Why bother? Inside is nice. We have a Christmas tree. Everything is beautiful inside. That's good enough. We don't need to go out and in the cold and do this if it's really... I mean, who are we doing it for?
Pete Wright:
Right. Right. That's actually a really great sort of metaphor for expectations and pressure. Right? Putting lights up on the outside of your house is performative, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
It totally is. Because we don't see them, right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
So who cares?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer:
But when I'm inside and I'm watching a Christmas movie and we're celebrating the holidays, that's more important to me than what we're seeing outside.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, for sure. So I mentioned this letting go piece and having agency to be able to let go. And I think there are some specific things that I was thinking, what is it that I let go of when I am letting go? Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
What is it that I... I'm letting go of the idea that I'm giving up. Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
Because I'm not giving up. I'm just changing direction. Right? Or I'm-
Nikki Kinzer:
You're adjusting.
Pete Wright:
... I'm adjusting. I'm adapting. I'm letting go of perfectionism. And that's very difficult to do. But largely that is the manifestation of unrealistic expectations.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
Because perfect can never be reached. In my head, perfect can never be reached. So I have to let go of the idea that perfection is a goal. I have to let go of self-criticism because self-criticism is the door to imposter syndrome. Right? If I'm criticizing myself, it means I'm not up to the task. I have to close that door. Because the truth is I am up to the task. And if I let go of all these things, I'm letting go of control. I'm realizing that not everything that I'm working on, that I'm doing in my home, that I'm doing at work is a thing that I'm going to be able to control.
And all of that creates space for smarter work, less pressure, new creative strategies, ability to ask for help, support. It allows me to find new and innovative tools and technology maybe, right? So much more. Letting go of those things actually unlocks potential. And that's the message that I feel is so important for me, that I have to let go of control and perfection and criticism and the idea of failure in order to see potential around the corner.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. Oh, I love that. Now I feel like we need to break out in Frozen song.
Pete Wright:
Okay. Let's do it. I'm open to sing.
Nikki Kinzer:
You may be, but I'm not.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. Yeah. But that's what comes to mind.
Pete Wright:
So what do you do? And there are two angles here. So coach hat, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
You're looking at, you're watching somebody who is on, let's say, the verge of that shutdown. Right? Of the breakdown that comes with the try hard trap. And we've talked recently about burnout. We've talked about emotional exhaustion and irritability, anger, rage issues. We've talked about all of those things. But let's look at some strategies that you use to help people figure out to suss out when they're in this space.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yeah. So I think with the try harder, and what we're trying to do is try less is really understanding what your pace is and being really, again, more realistic of what you can do. And so it is understanding where your ADHD shows up during the day. When do you have better energy? When are you medicated? When are you inspired? And really learning more about yourself to be more realistic about what you can do in a day and not feel that pressure of, "Oh, I have to do more. I have to do more."
And sometimes that we have to communicate to other people. And going back to what we've learned in past episodes with our good friend, Casey, we have to disappoint people. And sometimes that means that they're not going to get something as soon as they want it to get done or they're not going to have something, or "I can't volunteer for something." Or we go back to the boundary issues like, "We'll go to this thing, but we're only going to go there for an hour."
Whatever it might be. So really advocating for yourself and what you need is healthy. And making that the norm, and not this exception, but this is, you are responsible for you, so take care of you and whatever that means. And I think that we hit this a little bit already, but what is the underlying issue of wanting to do more and try harder? What are we avoiding? What's happening? Is it limiting beliefs? Are these old messages they just keep being played in your mind?
Is it the perfectionism? I think we have to get deeper into what is making you feel this way all the time. And then really understanding what your good enough is. In our example with the lights, it was good enough to have the decorations and be nice and cozy and Christmassy inside the house and not so much we don't care about the outside. So that's good enough. If you're feeling a lot of pressure with an event that's coming up, can you delegate? Can you... What's going to make life easier and not harder so you don't have to keep trying harder and harder and harder?
Pete Wright:
That's the thing that I think is so hard to let go of. And I can sort of hear people who live with a higher, let's say, a higher standard or a higher bar for perfection in work or creation or art or whatever. And I just want to say again, if your standard is working for you, then you're doing fine. Right? What we're talking about is the maladaptive approach to perfection and to work product that is competing with other neuro-normative brains that don't struggle with the things that we do with ADHD.
And we're just advocating. I am just advocating a reset to really use the transition into the new year as an opportunity to think about, to journal, document your processes and think about how you do the things you do and where friction exists. Is that friction useful? Is it supporting you?
Is it slowing you down so you're able to make better, smarter decisions? Or are you just working against it? Are there forces that you working against that you are not able to get to the other side of because of this imagined state that you're not going to reach? Right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright:
And I think for me, the part that I overthink, if I get into a perseverative thought spiral, it's that other people are judging me much more harshly than they would ever judge me.
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, absolutely. 100%.
Pete Wright:
Once I let go of that, I realize that the work I'm doing is good and sound and smart, and it is. And that good enough is still something to be really celebrated.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely. Absolutely. I agree.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Right.
Nikki Kinzer:
Good stuff.
Pete Wright:
What else you got? Do we have anything else? Is that good? Is that a good little-
Nikki Kinzer:
I think this is good.
Pete Wright:
That's kind of a mini episode to start the new year.
Nikki Kinzer:
I like it.
Pete Wright:
It feels a little short.
Nikki Kinzer:
It's all right.
Pete Wright:
We're a little short.
Nikki Kinzer:
That's all right. Sometimes you just need short and something's insightful to think about.
Pete Wright:
Well, I hope so. I hope people walk away from this and walk into the new year thinking about the present moment. Right? Accepting. Here's the thing, I wrote this down because I wasn't sure if I wanted to say it.
Nikki Kinzer:
Oh, but he's saying it, so that's good.
Pete Wright:
I'm saying it, right? Because there are folks who accept that they live with ADHD, and we use those words all the time. Like, we're in a relationship with ADHD. But at what point do you accept that ADHD is a core part of who you are? It's not something external to you that you have that you learn about, you academically sort of assess, but at what point is it a part of sort of your core identity makeup? Right? I feel like as the transition that I made in 2020 over the early parts of the 2020s, really through the pandemic, is less thinking about ADHD as a bag that I carry on my back, but as a separate sort of fuel tank that sometimes malfunctions.
Nikki Kinzer:
Sure.
Pete Wright:
But it's inside me, right?
Nikki Kinzer:
Right.
Pete Wright:
It's a thing, it's an identity. And all of that, understanding that part of me allows me to integrate sort of the solutions to my own systems more thoroughly. And I like that. I like that metaphor. So for me, it works, right? It allows me to stay more present, I think.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
Well, here we go. Here's to a great new year.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
It's going to be great. I know.
Nikki Kinzer:
Happy new year.
Pete Wright:
There are people who are nervous for any number of reasons, but it's going to be a great year. I'm just saying it loud.
Nikki Kinzer:
Absolutely.
Pete Wright:
We're going to have a great year because we're going to choose to do so.
Nikki Kinzer:
Yep.
Pete Wright:
Thinking about that.
Nikki Kinzer:
We're going to make it that way.
Pete Wright:
Pete Pollyanna Wright on the podcast. Thank you everybody-
Nikki Kinzer:
Signing off.
Pete Wright:
... for hanging out. Right. Thank you everybody for hanging out and listening to the show. We sure appreciate your time and your attention. Don't forget, we're heading over to the Show Talk channel in our Discord server. You can join us right there by becoming a supporting member at the Deluxe level or better. On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, I'm Pete Wright, and we'll see you right back here next week on Taking Control, The ADHD Podcast.
