Less Is More
They say ‘communication is the key to any relationship’.
In fact, if you search “communication quotes” online, 99% of the results mention communication as the essential piece needed in any type of relationship.
Here is one of my favorites from the search results—a quote from life coach, Tony A Gaskins Jr. It really seems to sum up what everyone is saying:
Communication [is] to a relationship like oxygen is to life. Without it, it dies.
Pretty powerful, right?
So, if communication is this important to maintaining a relationship, can you really have too much communication?
Pete and I got together to talk talking during a recent episode of Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast, and we determined that yes, you can definitely overdo it—especially if you have ADHD.
It turns out, the act of over-talking is a common symptom of ADHD. It falls under the impulsivity category of ADHD symptoms.
A little science
There is a piece of a neurotypical brain that acts like a gate to impulsive thoughts and actions. It allows someone evaluate before acting. ADHD brains don’t have a working gate. This causes people to act without thinking, sometimes regretting the impulse after it’s already happened.
With over-talking, the inability to focus paired with a broken gate leads to constant talking as your brain hops, skips, and jumps from subject to subject, sometimes without any visible connection between topics.
How do we “fix the gate”
While there isn’t a physical way to fix the missing filter, we know the best way to manage ADHD symptoms is to learn to work with what you have; don’t dwell on what you don’t have.
It’s time to get to work building something new!
Try this!
Here are a few tricks you can try to work on building new barriers around your impulsivity and over-talking.
Be a detective
You know the “what” (over-talking). You know the “who” (you). But you still need to figure out the “why”. Sure, we know the ADHD brain chemistry is part of the reason, but it’s not everything. If your brain design was the only reason, you would never stop talking. It’s time to figure out “when” you over-talk, and what causes it. So put your Sherlock Holmes hat on and ask yourself a few questions:
What topics tend to trigger you to talk a lot?
Who do you most often over-talk with?
Are there specific emotions that cause you to over-talk?
If you have ever been told you talk too much, have you been given specific details about your talking that make them feel that way? (Do you talk too fast? Include too many unnecessary details? Constantly go off on unrelated tangents?
Once you have a better understanding of the “why” you’re more likely to recognize these triggering factors and be a lot more mindful of your words.
Practice, practice, practice
It might sound silly, or feel a little weird at first, but it may help to practice conversations with someone you trust. Explain your desire to become a better, more efficient communicator and ask them to give you honest feedback. The only rule is you can’t get mad or upset by the feedback you’re given. Approach this without judgment as a scientific experiment of sorts.
What do you see?
When you are in a situation where you are currently the person talking, whether it’s to one other person or a group of people, be aware of the other people in the room. Look for social and physical body cues from the other people to gauge their feelings. If you find the other person(s) is no longer giving you eye contact, they’re checking their watch, they’re no longer verbally acknowledging what you’re saying, it might be time to take a breath to assess whether you have gone on for too long.
In the end, I agree with the majority: communication is a very important part of any relationship. Just make sure you stop every once in a while to allow it to go both ways.
Thank you for your time and attention,
-Nikki
Want to hear more of our episode on talking which was, ironically, one of our longer episodes?
