Repair Without Over-Explaining
If you have ADHD, chances are you've developed a deeply ingrained habit of apologizing — for being late, for forgetting, for talking too long, for existing in a way that feels like an inconvenience. In this episode, Nikki and Pete unpack why over-apologizing is so common in the ADHD experience and how rejection sensitive dysphoria fuels the cycle. They explore what happens on the receiving end when apologies become emotional labor for someone else, and why pre-apologizing can actually undermine your credibility and prevent others from having their own authentic reactions.
The conversation moves from apology into repair — a critical distinction. Where an apology is one-directional, repair is a two-party activity built on acknowledging impact, taking responsibility, and resetting the relationship. Nikki walks through the framework of acknowledge, repair, reset, and Pete shares a powerful lesson from his own therapist: your power ends with your skin. You get to own your part, but you don't get to own someone else's forgiveness timeline. They also dig into why self-compassion isn't optional — it's the foundation that makes real repair possible.
This episode also comes with a free downloadable resource: "Repair Scripts for Real Life: The ADHD Repair Guide," featuring five ready-to-use scripts for situations that come up for ADHDers every single week. Grab your copy!
Links & Notes
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Pete Wright
Hello everybody and welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast on TruStory FM. I'm Pete Wright, and I'm here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer
Hello, everyone. Hello, Pete Wright.
Pete Wright
Oh Nikki, hi. We are, boy, it's another, I think it's another banger of a topic if I'm judging by the outline that we have in our document here. We've got a lot to talk about today. It started with a subtle nod to how do we repair relationships without over-apologizing, and turned into a whole really robust episode. Not bad. Not bad, coach.
Nikki Kinzer
Thank you.
Pete Wright
I'm excited about this.
Nikki Kinzer
Thank you. Well, we'll see what everybody thinks at the end.
Pete Wright
You're right, we'll see. Before we dig in, you know the drill. Make sure you head over to takecontroladhd.com, find the show there, listen to it, sign up for the mailing list. We would love it if you'd sign up for the mailing list. You can get an email when the show releases. But there are lots of other things you can get when you sign up for the mailing list. You can sign up to get different kinds of news and announcements and it's all very, very exciting. And we would love you to at least check on your preferences there and make sure you're getting emails from us that you want, and maybe not the ones that you don't want. That's what we're hoping you can do. Takecontroladhd.com. You can also jump into our public Discord server at takecontroladhd.com/discord. That's where the community lives. So many people who are just trying to make their way in the world. We need like a song that is like one of those 80s-era sitcom intro songs. "Making your way in the world today, everything you got," right? Something like that for the ADHD community.
Nikki Kinzer
Oh, you should definitely write that.
Pete Wright
We should totally write that song. And that's where you can jump in and chat with us.
Nikki Kinzer
Or the Cheers song, remember the Cheers song?
Pete Wright
Honestly.
Nikki Kinzer
That was a nice one.
Pete Wright
That was actually the song I was singing.
Nikki Kinzer
Oh, was it?
Pete Wright
Yeah. That was the one.
Nikki Kinzer
Oh, I thought you were singing Family Ties.
Pete Wright
No, no.
Nikki Kinzer
I'm getting my 80s sitcoms wrong.
Pete Wright
I know. Anyway, the best way to hang out with us for sure is to become a patron. This is listener-supported podcasting. For a few bucks a month you get access to lots of other stuff, including the triple-secret channels in our Discord community. You can join us for the live streams of this show and get the show early and ad-free. So we appreciate you supporting the show. Patreon.com/theadhdpodcast is where you go to do that. Jump in, water's warm, it's really great, and you help us continue to grow and invest in the show itself. We appreciate it. Appreciate you. Thank you. All right, Nikki. How to repair without over-apologizing. Where did this come from?
Nikki Kinzer
Everyday life.
Pete Wright
Everyday life. Oh.
Nikki Kinzer
Right? Like I think it happens a lot. In fact, it's so interesting. One of the rules that we have in my GPS membership is that you don't have to apologize. So if you come in late, don't apologize. If you have a question, don't apologize. If you feel like you talk too long, don't apologize. If you feel like you didn't make sense, don't apologize. Like it's okay. We get you. And I think that that's the issue, right? Is that people are constantly feeling like they always have to say they're sorry when they have ADHD. And so that's where we want to start to kind of figure out where, why is this happening? Why do we feel like we have to do it? And what are some ways to apologize, but then kind of stay at just the one apology and help you be able to get past some of that shame, because it's a shame response really.
Pete Wright
Well, right, and that's the root of the big question. Why do we over-apologize? And I would say like we've been trained from jump to apologize since we were kids. What is that buried in?
Nikki Kinzer
Well, you know, it really, and this is where it ties into what we've been talking about, is that rejection sensitive dysphoria. It's that RSD reaction, emotional hyper-reactivity to perceived disappointment or criticism, right? We are very, very sensitive to that. And even small mistakes can trigger "they're mad at me, I've done something wrong, it's my fault, I need to apologize." Even if they don't know it's their fault, they're gonna automatically assume that it is. And so it comes up in a lot of different ways. The "I'm sorry, I'm just the worst, I don't know why I do this." Over-explaining can happen a lot. So you're apologizing, but then you have this dialogue of this confession of why things are happening and you know, really just really over-explaining is the best way of putting that. Or you're pre-apologizing for something that hasn't even happened yet, right? Because you fear that it's gonna happen.
Pete Wright
This is the big one for me. I don't think I apology avalanche. I might overexplain, but man, my gut is I pre-apologize. It's like I don't understand why. Like that's supposed to allow me to get away with stuff. Like I just feel bad before I need to feel bad.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, right. Absolutely.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Somebody might not even notice or care, you know, but you're apologizing for it.
Pete Wright
I haven't even done anything yet. Yeah. That's right.
Nikki Kinzer
And the problem with RSD-driven apologies. There's a problem with them. And this is the piece that I think I really want people to hear because it's important to understand not only why you're reacting to this, but what is happening to the person who's receiving the apology. And what happens is when you're doing this, it shifts focus from the situation to needing some kind of emotional reassurance.
Pete Wright
Right.
Nikki Kinzer
And so we're trying to make the other person manage our guilt. So I'm sorry and I want you to do something with that. Like I want you to make me feel better. So turning your guilt into someone else's emotional labor.
Pete Wright
That's what's happening.
Nikki Kinzer
That's what's happening. Is that what do I do with that if you're apologizing over and over and over again? Now I feel bad that you feel so bad and now I feel like I need to help you figure out what's happening. Now that's not going to happen in all cases, right? But it is important for people to understand that when you are over-apologizing, there is some emotional dumping that you're doing to the other person that's receiving it.
Pete Wright
Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. And I think you're making me think about one other thing around pre-apologizing, is you're not allowing the person you're talking to to have their own feelings. Right. You're putting them in a position of having to justify their feelings against your pre-apology. Like, I have real feelings. They're not what you expect me to have. So now let's have a new conversation. And that can get awkward and uncomfortable for everybody.
Nikki Kinzer
Well, and the next thing that I think is important to understand too when this happens is that if you pre-apologize and say you're in a work environment and you raise your hand, you're like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I know this is probably not the right time." It automatically kind of makes whatever the statement is next questionable.
Pete Wright
Are you not very confident?
Nikki Kinzer
Are you questioning this yourself? And so now I need to question it because you're questioning it. Where if you were just to speak, I wouldn't even question your credibility or what you're saying. Like I would just be listening to it. But now it gives me this little nugget of, well, what are they sorry for?
Pete Wright
Right. So I just think there's awareness there to think about. Yeah. Oh, for sure. So let's talk about it. Because one of the things I notice is we start talking about apologies, but really what we're talking about is repair. Can you talk just for a second about the difference between an apology and a repair?
Nikki Kinzer
I feel that it's about validating the other person's experience. So when we are apologizing, I think we can tell if an apology is real for the most part, right? I mean, unless somebody is a really good actor. But I think that when you are authentically sorry, like I've come late to the podcast. I am sincerely sorry for that. And you know, I'm sorry that you've had to wait for me. Thank you for waiting for me. I appreciate that. So I'm validating that Pete had to wait for me. I'm validating that he may be upset or disappointed. So I'm taking responsibility for that, but I'm also validating your experience. I'm not making an excuse for it. Although I could. I still could. Reasons, and they can all be valid. I got lost in traffic.
Pete Wright
Yeah. You got excuses for days. Yeah. For sure.
Nikki Kinzer
I actually got lost coming back home. No. You know, anything could actually happen.
Pete Wright
But it does imply that an apology is one-sided, like one directional. I apologize to you. Might as well be I apologize at you. What a repair is, is I'm taking ownership of a thing and I'm making sure that our relationship together is still strong after the ownership of that thing, that it's bi-directional. You get a chance to have a say in this rebuilding activity that we're doing together, that it is a two-party activity, not just me throwing words at you.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. And I think that, you know, we have to be a little bit careful, especially when we get into relationships. And I'm sure a relationship expert would have more to say to this than I do, but what Melissa Orlov says is we have to be careful of that parent-child dynamic, right? So when we're repairing, we do want to be more of a partnership and not blaming. "There you are, you're late again," you know, that could be causing more friction in the relationship. So I think that the person that is late, they've apologized, they're taking responsibility, but then the next step of repairing might be, next time I'm gonna make sure that I put a 10 minute timer on. Or I'm gonna, you know, next time I'm gonna make sure that I really try to have my stuff ready or whatever. And I think that that's not the stranger or the friend that you're meeting in the coffee shop. This is more of like the spouse that is really frustrated that you're late to dinner every night or whatever it might be, right? Like that repair part is what am I going to do to try to put that scaffolding around in my life to help me. But then there's also got to be some compassion from the other partner too. But then I think the reset, you know, I think acknowledging and validating the person, trying to repair it with whatever that looks like. But then also we can use our language as well. And I think one of the examples that I just used was, you know, yes, I'm so sorry I'm late. Thank you for waiting. And then you can leave it at that. Like, thank you for being patient. I really appreciate it. You know, how can we move forward from this? Or you know, I get it. I totally understand. We're good. Like all of these kind of things that we can reset to also make the two people that are in this relationship feel like they can reset. They're okay.
Pete Wright
Right. Well, and to avoid, this is another thing that I've taken years to just figure out for myself. When it's appropriate for me to apologize versus repair. And I like step one, acknowledge the impact without taking ownership of something that isn't mine to own. Right? And that's why I like acknowledging the impact, because when I acknowledge the impact, I'm running late because the bus that I was on broke down. That's not my fault. I didn't cause the bus to break down. I don't need to apologize for the bus breaking down. The bus is an inanimate object. It doesn't need my apology. I just need to acknowledge that I've done everything in my power to repair because of the consequences of the bus breaking down without owning it.
Nikki Kinzer
That's so true.
Pete Wright
And owning it is something that it's not mine to own. I don't have to own it. I don't have to lose sleep over it. I don't have to feel bad about it. The bus broke down. There was traffic, whatever the case may be. It wasn't mine. Now, if I did something, that allows me to see the difference between the things that I did that were mistakes, that merit apologies, and the things that were just universe. The universe acted. And I am bearing the brunt of the consequences just as much as you are.
Nikki Kinzer
Right. And I think that's a really good point, and a good question to ask ourselves if we're in the middle of an apology. Is this something that was in my control or is it something that's out of my control? Because if it's out of your control, you certainly do not need to over-apologize. But it's so easy for somebody to do that because for whatever reason, they still think it is their fault that the bus broke down.
Pete Wright
Right.
Nikki Kinzer
And so being able to kind of separate that. So I like that you say that because I think it gives you a chance to kind of think about what kind of apology is necessary and is it in my control or not.
Pete Wright
Yeah. And then ending it with whatever the apology is and with some kind of connection and not shame, you know, being able to reset, I think, is important. I really like that idea. There's acknowledge, repair, reset. And do all of those three things without taking ownership of that which is not yours to own.
Nikki Kinzer
But then what happens when you go home and you still feel the shame?
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Right? Even though it was not my fault, it was the bus's fault, but it still, for whatever reason, screwed up the meeting.
Pete Wright
And they don't trust that the bus really broke down, they think I'm lying.
Nikki Kinzer
Right? Like you could go down a shame spiral, right?
Pete Wright
Oh for sure. Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
So what is this shame loop? It's replaying that moment over and over and over again, magnifying it, and really again taking that blame. And so this is where a little Brene Brown work comes back into play, right? What is the difference between guilt and shame? Guilt will motivate that repair and that reset where shame is going to paralyze you. Because you're gonna feel like I'm bad. I shouldn't be their friend. The guilt, and again, you gotta decide, is this something that you did or don't have any control over? Is it something bad that happened? Okay, I was late. I feel guilty about that if it was because I didn't prepare well enough or whatever.
Pete Wright
But we have to know the difference. I got on the bus, but before I did I slashed its tires.
Nikki Kinzer
Right. That could feel a little, I might feel guilty about that and a little weird that I did it.
Pete Wright
Right. Exactly. Yeah, why do I slash tires indiscriminately now? This is who I am?
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, who is this?
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Whole other problem that we would have to dissect.
Pete Wright
But here's the thing.
Nikki Kinzer
But here's the thing with myself living with anxiety and ruminating on all kinds of things all the time, we have a couple of little things that you can do. One is to ground yourself. Remember when we were talking about our nervous system before? If we're not feeling safe, we need to feel safe. So going on that conversation, what was the title? Because we'll put it in the show notes since I'm referencing it.
Pete Wright
The one that we just recorded on Wednesday. Oh, "Emotional Regulation When You're Already Depleted."
Nikki Kinzer
Yes, because what we're doing is we're trying to break that loop, right? So what Pete Wright has taught us in that show is that we need to not only take a deep breath, but we need to remind ourselves that we're safe. We need to do something that releases whatever, if that's a physical thing that you need to do, like run or if you're angry, you take it out on a punching bag, whatever it is, right? To try to ground ourselves. Remind ourselves, okay, this happened. I already apologized. I did what I needed to do, and now I'm moving on. So we can kind of ground ourselves in the present. We can reframe that self-talk. I made a mistake, but I did what I could. I'm moving on. Again, I took the responsibility. I have to be compassionate with myself. So now we're going back to that very first episode we did at the beginning of the year where we're talking about how to reframe that compassion for ourselves. So when we screw up, because we will screw up, we are humans. How do we treat ourselves the same way that we would treat somebody that we love? You know, ground yourself, talk to yourself nicely. And sometimes honestly, I just need to be distracted too.
Pete Wright
Honestly, I just need to be distracted too.
Nikki Kinzer
Good old distraction sometimes works.
Pete Wright
Yeah, for sure.
Nikki Kinzer
You know, to try to stop that. The other thing I notice with my own anxiety, and I don't know, Pete, if you notice this too, but it's always the worst at night. And then the next morning, I'm like, hmm, I wonder why I was so worried about that.
Pete Wright
It's amazing what the light will do.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Oh, it's always worse at night.
Pete Wright
The dark feels like the world is compressing around me if I'm in an anxious or compulsive state. I think we just feel generally lonely, alone at night when we're in our own thoughts.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. And it just feels so much worse. So I think, you know, that might be something else to remember, that in the morning there's going to be light and you might have some different ways of thinking about it.
Pete Wright
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So we're so far talking all about us when we need to apologize. What about if it's the other way around?
Nikki Kinzer
It depends on the relationship, right? Because if it's a spouse or a partner, it's definitely gonna be harder to figure out what we want to do with that because the person that's receiving the apology feels hurt or feels, you know, they're getting the impact of ADHD as well. But I think that when it happens, again, it kind of goes back to that repair. What can we do together to repair it? Like I'm taking responsibility. I understand the impact. What can we do to rebuild that trust going forward? It is harder the closer the relationship is. It's also hard if it's like a boss and an employee because if that boss has lost some trust in that employee, you might feel like you have to overcompensate a little bit more. But yeah, if that other person's having a hard time letting go, I think that there's definitely work to be done on the repair part and maybe getting some professional help to help you figure that out, especially if it's been a pain point for a long, long time.
Pete Wright
There's an interesting lesson in here though, which is one that I really resonate with. It's this idea of determining what the boundaries are for repair, which is that you get to be responsible for the you stuff, right? This goes back to something I think we've talked about a decade ago, that lesson I got from my childhood therapist who told me your power ends with your skin. It ends with what you can touch. You don't get to influence people by thought, right? Your boundary in this case is your responsibility to what you do to repair and rebuild the relationship, whether it's your boss or someone who works for you or a peer or a family member or a friend. It does not matter. What doesn't get included in that, what you don't get to take on, is their forgiveness timeline. You don't get to take ownership of their process of forgiveness. Only what you did to try to make it right. And that means at some point you get to stop trying to make it right. It's okay, you did your part. If they won't let it go, they'll have to figure that out on their own. Right? And that is one of the hardest things to do, is to let go when you're in a space of RSD and you feel like you can't do enough.
Nikki Kinzer
Very good point. Yeah.
Pete Wright
So we got to acknowledge that that's really hard and the rest of it is just not real. It's not yours. You don't get it. You get to do your part. You don't get to do theirs too.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, that's a really good point. Very good point.
Pete Wright
I don't know about that, but we'll see if it matches lived experience for some people. It certainly does mine.
Nikki Kinzer
I think so. Well, and I think the last thing I would want to say is just reference back to what Dr. Hallowell, his wise, wise words about ADHD isn't an excuse, but it is an explanation. And a lot of these things that we're saying we're sorry for is a symptom of ADHD. And so it does help being able to put that in perspective too of, okay, I understand why this is happening. It gives us some insight of what's going on. And it allows us to have that effective repair instead of that self-punishment, right? We can say, okay, I understand this is not me in the sense of who I am and I'm a terrible person. That's shame that I'm carrying. No, it is the ADHD. I get it. I can start looking at the repair and not have to beat myself up doing it. And one of the things that I read recently was that apologies are necessary, self-compassion is non-negotiable. And I think that is really, really true. Even when we feel horrible about something, we have to also be able to let that go ourselves.
Pete Wright
Yeah. That's like one of those, not beautiful aphorisms, but like blunt instruments. Like just reminder, you have to be able to be compassionate with yourself in order to move forward. Because one thing we can guarantee in this negotiation of rebuilding relationships is that you might not get what you want. You might not get it. You might not get it. And you're going to have to live your life knowing that something was broken irretrievably. And that has to be okay. Not okay meaning it's all right and everybody's happy, but okay meaning it is the new state and everybody has to move on and live their lives. And that is so hard to do, but that's the muscle we're talking about building. We're not talking about building a muscle in order to get everything you want when you apologize.
Nikki Kinzer
Right. Wouldn't that be nice?
Pete Wright
It would be lovely. But it's to know when you get to stop. When you get to stop trying because you've done your part, you've owned your part.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
And you get to have a life that might be different. And that's okay too. It's okay. It's all okay.
Nikki Kinzer
Absolutely.
Pete Wright
I think this might be apocryphal. But maybe John Lennon said, "It'll all be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not the end." Maybe that was Gandhi.
Nikki Kinzer
I don't know, but I like it.
Pete Wright
I like it. Yep.
Nikki Kinzer
We'll go with it.
Pete Wright
We'll go with it.
Nikki Kinzer
So this is something exciting. I really enjoyed putting this download together because we have a download for this episode.
Pete Wright
Oh my gosh, a download? What?
Nikki Kinzer
Yes. So one of the things that I often hear from clients is that they want the script. They want to know what do I say when this happens.
Pete Wright
And boy, do we have you covered.
Nikki Kinzer
Because this is called "Repair Scripts for Real Life: The ADHD Repair Guide." And it goes over five ready-to-use examples. And these five things I can pretty much almost guarantee happen to every ADHDer every week, if not every day. So definitely grab your copy in the show notes. It gives you the example of what's happening, what the ADHD impact is, and then gives you something to say.
Pete Wright
I love it. That's perfect.
Nikki Kinzer
So go check that out.
Pete Wright
Check it out. Link in the show notes. And we would love you to check it out. Let us know what you think over in Discord. This was fun. It was a good one. I feel like it might have ended on a downer of a note. I hope people don't think it ended on a downer of a note. "Oh well, sometimes you can't apologize." That's not the message.
Nikki Kinzer
No, no, no, no. No, it's okay to let it go.
Pete Wright
Yeah. It's okay. All right. Well, thank you everybody for hanging out with us. Thank you for downloading and listening to the show. And thank you for your time and your attention. Don't forget, if you have something to contribute to the conversation, we're heading over to the Show Talk channel in our Discord server. And you can join us right there by becoming a supporting member at the deluxe level or better. Patreon.com/theadhdpodcast. On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, I'm Pete Wright. We'll see you next week right here on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast.
