Why Being “Low-Maintenance” Is Costly

ADHD Emotions

Feb 19

Being called "low maintenance" feels like a win — until you realize the price you've been paying to earn it. In this episode, Pete and Nikki dig into why so many people with ADHD build their identity around not needing anything from anyone, and what happens when the bill comes due.

Pete defines maintenance as the information, time, supports, accommodations, and care that let you function without constant internal triage — and argues that nobody is maintenance free. Together they explore the privatized support behaviors that keep ADHDers silent: not asking for written instructions, not requesting deadline extensions while drowning, saying "whatever works for you" when you have strong preferences, and hiding the enormous effort required to look effortless.

The conversation introduces two low maintenance archetypes — the Ghost, who disappears when overwhelmed and returns like nothing happened, and the Fixer, who over-functions to become indispensable and then collapses. Pete and Nikki explore what both patterns cost: exhaustion, resentment, mystery anger, relationship distortion, and identity erosion.

This is an episode about learning to say "I matter" — two words that don't require a journaling practice or a checklist, just the courage to believe them. Plus, Nikki drops a powerful reframe: when you start asking for help, you open the door for others to do the same.

Links & Notes

Pete Wright
Hello, everybody, and welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast on TruStory FM. I'm Pete Wright, and I'm here with Nikki Kinzer.
Nikki Kinzer
Hello everyone, hello Pete Wright.
Pete Wright
Hi, Nikki Kinzer. I think it's gonna be a good show today. I think we have a topic that we need to talk about. And I'm very excited to talk about it. We're talking about low maintenance and high maintenance, and how striving for low maintenance is actually really quite costly. And we're talking about that because I think a lot of people may have this bit flipped in their head around how they represent their ADHD in public. And I want to start that conversation. So that's what we're going to do. Before we dig into the conversation, I want you to head over to TakeControlADHD.com. You can listen to the show on the website. You can join the mailing list and subscribe to the show and we'll send you an email each time a new episode is released. What we really need to talk about though is Patreon, patreon.com/theADHDpodcast. That's why this show has been running as long as it has — because of people like you who are generous and want to see this show continue to thrive, because you want to join the live stream and be a part of the chuckleheads that are in the chat, and want to chat along while we are actually talking about this stuff live, who want to ask questions to our guests live as we're talking about the show, who want access to the show early and ad-free. It's because of you guys. This is listener-supported podcasting. And we hope if you've been on the fence for a long time that you'll consider it for a few bucks a month. You get all kinds of access into our Discord server, into the private member channels on the Discord server, and we get to continue podcasting and growing this show. Again, patreon.com/theADHDpodcast to learn more. Thank you for your support. Okay, everybody, here we go. I want to start with the compliment that isn't a compliment.
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
You're so easy. You're low maintenance. Now, you and I actually had to talk. We had to pre-game about this conversation because of that line.
Nikki Kinzer
We did.
Pete Wright
And I want to hear your take on it.
Nikki Kinzer
Yes.
Pete Wright
Because when I say it's a compliment that isn't a compliment — you're low maintenance — what do you hear?
Nikki Kinzer
Well, as I was sharing with Pete earlier today, it confuses me because when I hear it, I think, okay, I don't know many ADHDers who get that compliment.
Pete Wright
Citizens.
Nikki Kinzer
I hear more of ADHDers — they're not complaining, but people are telling them that they're too much, or you're always late, or I have to wait for you, or whatever, which kind of makes it sound like they're more high maintenance than they are low maintenance. And so that was what stuck with me — I don't know how we interpret what maintenance means, because high maintenance is an insult, right? No one wants to be high maintenance. But do we strive to be low maintenance? And that's what your point is — it's this like, wouldn't it be great for people to think of me as being low maintenance and easygoing and
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
you know, yeah, I can do that, whatever. So yeah, it was the word maintenance that was throwing me.
Pete Wright
Yeah. And maintenance is the important word, right? It is the important word to come around, because low maintenance, high maintenance is common vernacular. It's the common way we look at other people in social and work situations. It's a word that is used often. I use it about others, others use it about me, I'm sure. And so it's important to wrap our heads around what it means in the context of ADHD. But first, what is it that we're talking about, right? Maintenance — as I've sort of jotted down my definition of maintenance — it's the information, the time, the supports, the accommodations, the reminders, the care that will let me function without constant internal triage. Right. It's the external supports that I need and that I need to be able to ask for without killing myself inside.
Nikki Kinzer
Right, right.
Pete Wright
Because I'm not able to get my job done. Nobody is maintenance free. Now I'm asserting that as a statement of fact, and I think I stand by it.
Nikki Kinzer
No.
Pete Wright
I don't think I've ever met anyone who is free of maintenance. Have you?
Nikki Kinzer
Well, no, and you don't want to be. That's what makes us human, is that we want — we are here to
Pete Wright
Right.
Nikki Kinzer
be with each other, to support each other, to help each other. You don't want to be maintenance free because then you're just basically alone in the woods by yourself.
Pete Wright
Yeah, yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Right? I don't even think that's a goal that you would even want to put on a list somewhere.
Pete Wright
I don't think so either. And so I think what we're really saying is that the maintenance that we ask for from the world is shared maintenance. It's the out-loud, collaborative, request-based maintenance versus the privatized maintenance, right? The parts of triage that we take care of ourselves, for reasons we'll talk about, but we do it silently inside our body, inside our brain for ourselves. And living with ADHD, we know doing that is a constant treadmill that never ever ends. So what does low maintenance usually mean in the wild?
Nikki Kinzer
I love that. In the wild.
Pete Wright
Right, right.
Nikki Kinzer
In this universe that we live in that's wild.
Pete Wright
Right. In the context of Naked and Afraid, what does low maintenance mean?
Nikki Kinzer
Right? Yeah. There's ADHD here and then there's non-ADHD.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
So what does that look like?
Pete Wright
Exactly. Right.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
It's your identity that's built around not needing much, right? You're not asking for help or clarification or accommodations. You're presenting —
Nikki Kinzer
You don't want to be a burden.
Pete Wright
Yes, you're presenting as if you are low maintenance. You're being the easy one. And I think it's — you know, I think it's different for men and women, I think. I'm curious your take on this. For men, I'll say stereotypically, working towards being low maintenance means my needs are low because if my needs are high, that would be a sign of weakness, right? And that is a stereotype, I think, that more masculine energy tends to avoid, or tends to fear.
Nikki Kinzer
I don't know, unless you're sick, because there's a lot of men in my life that if you're sick, oh my gosh, you're dying, even if you have a cold.
Pete Wright
Oh yeah, no, that's the opposite. You're right. But see, that's not —
Nikki Kinzer
Where women are like, I have a cold, I may have pneumonia and I'm still picking up the kids and going to the store.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Of course you are.
Nikki Kinzer
So I don't know.
Pete Wright
But that's the same — that is the actual same thing. You're low maintenance. If you were able to show that you can be saddled with the burdens of life and never take a break.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Right, right.
Pete Wright
Right? That's —
Nikki Kinzer
But inside you're dying because it's so horrible, yeah.
Pete Wright
Inside you're dying, yeah. Right. Inside you're dying. You don't make demands, but you're dying on the way.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, yeah.
Pete Wright
Yeah. So I don't like to be hyper-gendered about it, but I want to say out loud that everybody is working on the same low maintenance, high maintenance spectrum. And nobody's free of it. So the social signaling around high and low maintenance — I'm not high maintenance like those people, where those people have visible needs — I think is internalized when we're children, right? And I think with ADHD, especially, because if you had ADHD and you were diagnosed as a child, then you were somebody who made use of accommodations and were seen as somebody who was higher maintenance by your peers, by other parents, by everybody, because you were constantly making use of them.
Nikki Kinzer
For sure, yeah.
Pete Wright
And as an outsider, you look at people who needed those kind of high maintenance requirements, and I'll speak for myself, even though I desperately needed accommodations, I didn't want to be noticed. For the love of everything.
Nikki Kinzer
Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. I see that with college students all the time.
Pete Wright
Yes, I just want to be and not be noticed.
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
Because who knows what that will lead to if I push over that first domino. And that's where things get costly. Right? Because if I need nothing, you can't call me needy. If I never ask for anything, you can't say no. If I'm always fine, you can't reject me for being too much.
Nikki Kinzer
Right.
Pete Wright
Right, in those circumstances.
Nikki Kinzer
Right.
Pete Wright
So the ADHD-specific layer — in our conversation earlier where you were poking this, poking at me about this concept gently — no, no, no.
Nikki Kinzer
I was not poking at you. I was just asking questions.
Pete Wright
It was right. And you used the word masking strategy and I want you to talk about that.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, because that was the thing, and you have it highlighted in the notes, which was wonderful.
Pete Wright
So highlighted.
Nikki Kinzer
It's so highlighted. Folks, everything is black and white except
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
for this piece. The ADHD-specific layer is highlighted and it is what resonated the most when I was reading through this, because low maintenance as a masking strategy — oh yes, that is for sure a true statement. Because what are you trying to hide, right? You're trying to hide that you need extra time or you're trying to hide that I need to read through this a couple of times before it really resonates, or I don't have a great memory and I need to make sure that I have the tools around me to help with my memory, but I can't let Pete know that. So I need to be on the down low when I'm taking notes or I'm recording, you know, whatever.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
And so the masking strategy really hits because I think that is
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
part of that. You're masking, which is pretending like these things don't bother you or that you don't need the help. And that can get you in a lot of trouble.
Pete Wright
Yeah, it really can.
Nikki Kinzer
Way over your head.
Pete Wright
Way over your head, right? So I jotted down this list of privatized support behaviors, right? The things that we don't do because — and I just want to run through them and see if you resonate with the people that you work with, if people listening kind of resonate with these things. Not disclosing that you need written instructions instead of just verbal instructions, right?
Nikki Kinzer
Check.
Pete Wright
Okay. Not asking for clarification because it might reveal you missed something. Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Double check.
Pete Wright
Okay.
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
Not requesting deadline extensions while drowning.
Nikki Kinzer
Deadline — I'm sorry, check, highlight all of the stars, everything, yeah.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Here's one that I find I use all the time, and I'll tell you why after I say it. Saying, oh, whatever works for you, even when you have strong preferences.
Nikki Kinzer
Right. Yeah. That's almost like you want to fight, but you're not going to, so you're just going to let it go. It's almost like that "I'm fine." How are you doing, Pete? I'm fine.
Pete Wright
Yeah, that's true.
Nikki Kinzer
Right?
Pete Wright
That's true.
Nikki Kinzer
Like —
Pete Wright
What do you want to eat? Well, I want to go to Laughing Planet. Well, that's fine.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Pete Wright
Whatever you want. But in the truth —
Nikki Kinzer
Even though you hate Laughing Planet, right?
Pete Wright
I don't really — there's only one thing I eat at Laughing Planet, and I'm kind of tired of it, right?
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
So that's the — and I'll say I love Laughing Planet. No disparagement to Laughing Planet.
Nikki Kinzer
I've never — I don't even know what it is.
Pete Wright
Oh, it's a great little hippie Mexican restaurant that is here.
Nikki Kinzer
I'm just talking like I do, but —
Pete Wright
It's awesome.
Nikki Kinzer
Oh, in Portland.
Pete Wright
Yeah, yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Okay, yeah. Never heard of it, but all right.
Pete Wright
Anyway, never heard of it. Don't worry about it. But I find this is where I wanted to talk about context related to low maintenance. I have been told, and I believe that I am, an easy traveler, a low maintenance traveler when I'm traveling with other people. There is one area where I'm not, which is getting through airport security. I am high, high anxiety. But once I'm through airport security and I can relax, I'm totally fine. And I can bend to the will of others, no trouble. And I legitimately do not have any emotion tied up in going with the decisions of others because I'm so easy. As long as we're in line in time to get on the plane, I'm fine.
Nikki Kinzer
You're good.
Pete Wright
I really am.
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
And when I'm called low maintenance as a result of that, I take that as a grand compliment, right? But the problem is the feeling of being thought of that way is an addiction. I am addicted to that feeling. Even when in other contexts, I am not that way. I am somebody with strong opinions.
Nikki Kinzer
Right.
Pete Wright
I am somebody who likes to do things the way I like to do them. I can be particular. I can be high maintenance. The problem comes up when I feel like I am masking to pretend I'm low maintenance in contexts when I'm actually not.
Nikki Kinzer
Not, yeah.
Pete Wright
And learning how to walk across that bridge and be gentle but honor my own needs —
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
that is the part that I think is the biggest challenge here, right? That's the part where it causes an extra sort of spark of courage. You need an extra spark of courage to make that work. Right? A few other ones. Avoiding accessibility tools in shared spaces, like turning on captions when you really can't discern words on TV because other people are watching. I don't know why that's a thing anymore. I mean, that used to be a thing. Now it seems like my kids only want to watch stuff with captions turned on. That's crazy to me. Needing notes, needing timers, because it will disrupt other people, right? And it will expose your own needs.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
Over-functioning in relationships to prove you're not the messy one.
Nikki Kinzer
What do you mean by that?
Pete Wright
It can take a lot of stress in an intimate relationship or romantic relationship, right? It can cause a lot of stress to pretend to be someone you're not, to have to hide accommodations for yourself, to do the private acknowledgement of your needs while publicly — when I say publicly, I mean to your partner — pretending that you actually don't need all these things because you have it all together. And that's — I think that is a — it dams the relationship, ultimately, right?
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
It dams the relationship. And I know a lot of people who have lived in that space and they're much better on their second marriages, right? Legitimately. That's where — I mean, these are the people I immediately think of, people in my life who were able to be honest only into their second marriages. And I think that's worth noting.
Nikki Kinzer
That's so interesting, yeah.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Wow. Huh.
Pete Wright
Hiding the effort required to look effortless. Scripts, making yourself scripts, the prep work, the recovery afterward, the self-monitoring when you're going into public situations.
Nikki Kinzer
Oh, for sure.
Pete Wright
Right?
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
Right?
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Yeah.
Pete Wright
Realizing that every event in your life is a performance is an incredibly high calorie burn event.
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm. And no wonder people are exhausted.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, absolutely.
Pete Wright
So I've got two types of low maintenance folks. We have the ghost.
Nikki Kinzer
This is interesting.
Pete Wright
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
Call it the ghost.
Nikki Kinzer
The ghost.
Pete Wright
This person minimizes their needs, disappears when overwhelmed, and returns like nothing happened. Do you ever find yourself doing something like that as an introvert?
Nikki Kinzer
Well, no, not me personally, because I might disappear for sure, but I don't return like nothing happened.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
I want to talk about it. I'm head on. Let's talk about this. Let's get this out in the open because I don't like the tension. That makes it icky to me. But when I first hear you talk about it, it reminds me of the passive aggressiveness of people where they'll be upset and then they don't want to talk about it and then they come back like nothing's happened. And it throws me because I'm like, really? We just had this heated conversation and you're just gonna pretend like it didn't happen? It's weird to me, because I want to talk about it.
Pete Wright
Well, you're — that's because you're the second type.
Nikki Kinzer
So —
Pete Wright
This is actually great because I think I can muster the second type, but I'm much more — and when I was putting this together I was thinking about my teen years.
Nikki Kinzer
Totally.
Pete Wright
Because that's when I needed the most support and hid from it most of the time. And so as a ghost myself, the number of times I can put myself back into that space of being at some sort of a party, being with friends, being with a girlfriend, and needing to leave — like Homer Simpson in the hedge, right? Backing into the hedge. I remember spending time in my girlfriend's parents' closet. They had a big walk-in closet and I would just disappear and go there and come back like nothing happened. I just needed the relief
Nikki Kinzer
Right, yeah.
Pete Wright
of not feeling like I was performing and having completely run out of extrovert runway, and I had to escape. So I became the ghost.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
The other side is the fixer. This is someone who — and I don't say this as a judgment or insult — but somebody who's working toward over-functioning, to manage everything, to make themselves become sort of indispensable, where "I'll handle it" is an identity. And then later completely collapse to recuperate. Right? All the energy, all the torque is applied immediately toward talking about stuff, toward moving things forward, and then later succumbing to exhaustion.
Nikki Kinzer
When I see that, I think of — because I am a caregiver in a lot of ways in my home, right? And I definitely see that as being, I'm just gonna take care of it because it's easier for me to do it. It's easier, I'm capable of doing it, I'm able to do it. And I'm the only one that really can, because of what I'm capable of and what others in my family are not, through no
Pete Wright
Uh-huh.
Nikki Kinzer
fault of their own. But yes, the collapsing later, exhaustion.
Pete Wright
Yeah, yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
It's too much, but I still have to keep going.
Pete Wright
Right.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
And this is the issue, because these patterns are learned, right? If you always say, "whatever works," then others will eventually stop checking, and you'll fall onto one of these trains. And I think this is where, you know, we talk about in the title of this episode, why is low maintenance costly? Well, this is when the bill comes due.
Nikki Kinzer
This is totally when it comes due, because if you don't accept the help that's given
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
or ask for help, then you are the one that keeps handling it. And it just is a cycle that goes over and over again. And I will tell you, I have wonderful family members who have helped me. And I have accepted that help and it has made a huge difference in our lives.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
And so yeah, I get it. I get it. It's so true.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
And this is what it looks like. And as we even say this, you're probably feeling these things, right? You're feeling exhaustion, right? The constant internal triage and the compensating and the rehearsing and the performing — it's exhausting. You're feeling the resentment, right? The resentment that comes from unmet needs for years while you quietly attempt to meet the needs of others around you. The resentment cuts like a knife.
Nikki Kinzer
It is. I think it depends on the situation. Because I'm thinking of illness, which obviously I have no resentment towards my family for their illness because it's not their fault.
Pete Wright
Of course. Nope.
Nikki Kinzer
Totally not their fault.
Pete Wright
No, and again, not all of these for all situations, of course.
Nikki Kinzer
But if you are in a work situation and you're taking care of everybody else and no one is acknowledging that and no one — they just expect that you're gonna do that?
Pete Wright
Mm-hmm.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, resentment for sure.
Pete Wright
For sure.
Nikki Kinzer
So yeah.
Pete Wright
Well, relationship distortion, right?
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
If you're not in a place where you're — you know, like you are and we're talking about illness — people genuinely don't know what you need if you don't ever tell them what you need.
Nikki Kinzer
And the other piece to that, Pete, is they don't know what they need. So even when you ask, they don't know.
Pete Wright
They don't know how to talk about it.
Nikki Kinzer
And yeah, they don't want to talk about it or they don't really know what's too big, what's too small. And so I think that's where you also have to maybe ask other people who've been in a situation that's similar, what helped you so that I can help my person. Because a lot of times they just don't know either.
Pete Wright
Yeah. Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
So —
Pete Wright
And how does that bubble up, right? For me, it bubbles up in mystery anger. Right?
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
I get mad, but I don't know why, which makes me more mad. And I've told the story before about my old boss who — I was the person in charge of emails, setting up new email accounts at work, and she wanted me to use an email address for a new employee that was really long, and I had a suggestion that I really liked. But years
Nikki Kinzer
Oh, I remember this.
Pete Wright
of backed up, untargeted resentment had built up. And when she said no, I want you to do it the long way, I freaked out. I freaked out in the middle of the office and I walked out and slammed the door, right?
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah.
Pete Wright
That's the kind of relationship distortion that is —
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah. Mystery anger. Where did that come from?
Pete Wright
Mystery anger. Right.
Nikki Kinzer
Yeah, totally.
Pete Wright
Right. Of course it leads to health consequences. We've talked about this
Nikki Kinzer
Mm-hmm.
Pete Wright
before. Chronic stress, anxiety, burnout, depression, your nervous system gets stuck, right?
Nikki Kinzer
All those things, yeah.
Pete Wright
It's just tough. Identity erosion, losing track of what you want because you practice not wanting things. Right? You eventually forget your needs and you just get frustrated that you may not realize you have some. That's the bill. That's the itemized bill that comes from maintaining an aspiration at a low maintenance, blend-in lifestyle. I feel like I overwrote my outline. There's way too much in here. Nikki, it's just way too much.
Nikki Kinzer
There's a lot.
Pete Wright
There's a lot.
Nikki Kinzer
There's a lot.
Pete Wright
I got excited. I mean, it clearly this hit me hard.
Nikki Kinzer
But you know, maybe this is something that I can work with for a free download.
Pete Wright
Oh, that would be great.
Nikki Kinzer
For our listeners. Yeah, absolutely, because Pete has some great things here about practices on how to stop being low maintenance. We can put that in as a download.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
We can get this ready for you guys to practice and help yourself work through this.
Pete Wright
I think so.
Nikki Kinzer
I think that's fabulous.
Pete Wright
I think it could be useful both as something to work on and something to just put up in front of you. Right? Something to put on the whiteboard, to tape up to the whiteboard or put on the wall behind the monitor that reminds us that we get to own our identity. We get to own our own needs and our own desires and our own requests and our own lunch orders, for crying out loud.
Nikki Kinzer
And I'll tell you something that I bet happens. When you start asking for help and when you start accepting that help, then people are going to ask you to help them.
Pete Wright
Yeah.
Nikki Kinzer
Because they'll feel like it's a safe place, right? Because you probably most likely are working with or living with other people who are afraid, just like you are.
Pete Wright
Yeah, right.
Nikki Kinzer
And so you're opening the space up for this wonderful collaborative relationship.
Pete Wright
Huh. That's good. That's really good. I think that's true. I think the call to action is be contagious. Right?
Nikki Kinzer
Isn't that great?
Pete Wright
Yeah, that's really great.
Nikki Kinzer
I love that.
Pete Wright
Well, thank you everybody for listening to my therapy session. I so appreciate you guys hanging out and listening to this. This has been a really — I hope it's useful to others to think through these questions of how we represent to the world. Thank you for your time and your attention. Don't forget, if you have something to contribute to the conversation, we're heading over to the Show Talk channel in our Discord server. You can join us right there by becoming a supporting member at the Deluxe level or better, patreon.com/theadhdpodcast. On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, who is neither high nor low maintenance, just right down the middle, I'm Pete Wright, who aspires to be low maintenance, perhaps pathologically. We'll be right back next week, right here on Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast.