Find Your ‘No’
“No.”
It’s such a small word. Only one syllable; just two letters.
Why is it that this teeny, tiny word is one of the hardest for us to say out loud—especially to someone else?
We care
We care what people think!
Many ADHDers are people pleasers; possibly a defense mechanism used to avoid the effects of RSD.
In general, most people are naturally social; seeking to create and foster relationships with others.
The complication
The problem many of us run into is our perception on how to keep those relationships.
We can feel like we will be abandoned if we aren’t doing everything in our power to make them happy. Often that means saying ‘yes’ to anything and everything you might be asked to do, go, be, and any other verb that keeps you busy and them “happy”.
This is a perfect example of that “all-or-nothing” and “limiting belief” thinking I talk about all the time!
Here’s an example:
“If I don’t agree to work overtime, my boss will be unhappy, they won’t have someone to work—which inconveniences them—and they’ll think I’m not a team player or a good worker and I’ll never get promoted.”
…or how about this:
“None of the other moms on the sports team ever volunteer to bring a snack for games, so I have to keep saying ‘yes’ when the coach asks me, or else the kids won’t have a snack after every game.”
Did you notice, in both examples, the employee and the mom expected the worst outcome was inevitable if they didn’t agree to sacrifice their own time to please others?
What about you?
If you’re consistently fretting about the opinions and wellbeing of everyone around you, who is doing the same for you?
Very often, if you’re not considering your own needs, opinions, and feelings, you may realize you will continue to be neglected.
I think it’s high-time someone thinks about you…don’t you?
JOMO > GONSY
Seeing that heading, you might assume one of my cats walked across my keyboard. In reality, it’s just a couple of silly acronyms, but those letters carry a lot of meaning:
The Joy of Missing Out is greater than the Guilt of Not Saying Yes
It’s natural to feel bad about not being able to be there for everyone that asks for your help, but there’s only so much of you to go around. If you give all of yourself to everyone else, what’s left for you or your family?
It may take a while to get there—learning to be ok with turning down certain things you’re asked to do—but the joy you can experience from not overextending yourself and heading towards more stress, anxiety and burnout, will hopefully start to outweigh any temporary guilt you might feel after turning someone down.
How to say “no”
You may feel like the old adage ‘just say no’ won’t cut it for your situation. So, how can you decline a request politely and professionally? You know I’ve got some ideas!
“Let me think about it.”
This is a great option, especially if you’re prone to impulsively agree to something before you know if you actually can. Let the other person know you will follow up, but you need time to check your schedule. If you say no after some time, they will be more understanding, knowing that you tried to make it work.
“I’m sorry, I’m not available that day, but I believe Jill’s mom said she might be available…”
This option says no, but offers a positive solution to solve the asker’s problem without you needing to be involved at all. Win-win!
*cricket sounds*
Don’t say anything! It might feel like you’re being rude when a group text or email pops into your inbox, but you are not obligated to respond, let alone be the first one to respond, that means even if no one else responds either.
Practice makes it better
Impulsivity is a common symptom of ADHD. You may be prone to spout the first thing that pops into your head. That ‘first thing’ is usually your go-to response.
If you find your go-to is normally ‘yes’, practice different scenarios using sample answers like the ones I offered, or others that fit your situation. You can practice by yourself in front of a mirror or even record a video of yourself with your phone and watch it back. You can also ask a trusted friend or family member to go through some practice scenarios with you.
You may not be able to always control your impulsivity, but if you rewrite what your go-to answer is, you’re less likely to overcommit yourself.
Remember: When you say ‘no’ to someone else, you’re saying ‘yes’ to yourself and what’s important to you!
Thank you for your time and attention,
-Nikki
PS. Before you go…
October 2022 is ADHD Awareness Month! Everyone at TCA has been working hard to put together extra content, special promotions, and big announcements to really embrace this important time!
Here’s a peek at what I mean:
Group coaching
If you have been searching for an ADHD-centric group coaching experience, your search is over! We will be opening enrollment later this week, so be sure to stop back to the site and sign up!
25% off all TCA Online Courses
Many celebrations include giving. So I’m giving you the gift of savings! Use the code ADHD2022 at checkout to receive 25% off your order of one of my online courses. Learn more.
TADD Talks brought to you by ADDA
Our friends over at ADDA are bringing back TADD Talks again this year. And, they asked me to return as a guest speaker again this year! Sign up.
Finally, make sure you are following @takecontroladhd on Facebook and Instagram to stay up-to-date on all our ADHD Awareness activities throughout the month of October!
